~ The Cliffs Notes of my Life ~

AGE 3 Saw my father slip away in a diabetic coma & he never woke up
3 – 4 Became homeless w/ my mom & baby brother after my father died
5 Saw my grandfather have a heart attack & die right in front of me
6 Molested by a male babysitter who was a cemetery caretaker (lived on the property as well) which he used as a great scare tactic
6 – 13 Molested by my other grandfather every morning of every summer[/COLOR]
3-16 Physically & psychologically abused by my mother who suffered from PTSD, OCD, & bi-polar (life was threatened on numerous occasions). I begged God to just kill me
16 Placed in Foster home while I took my grandfather to court (was traumatized by the court system, entire family disowned me, & my life was threatened again)
16 -17 Was stalked daily & finally raped by a person living in that foster home. I finally got him off me by holding a hunter’s knife that I kept under my pillow to his genitals – I don’t know why I didn’t use it…)
17 Was sent to another foster home for a while before being sent back to my mother.
18 The day after I turned 18 & graduated from high school, my mother kicked me out. I joined the military because it was my only option. I didn’t have my birth certificate so, the recruiter took advantage of me & said if I performed oral sex on him, he would get me a waiver. I didn’t think I had a choice
18 Brutally raped in military tech school. Wasn’t believed until evidence was found during the investigation and in the meantime, I was made to go to school with my rapist. He & his friends made my life difficult & I threatened his life if he ever touched me again. He reported me & I was sent to a Psychiatric Ward against my will where I had everything I owned taken away from me including my shoelaces! Sometime later (days, weeks?) I was released by the base commander with a “Sorry, we shouldn’t have been put you in here. Where do you want to go, you can be at your new base tomorrow”. I never found out what happened to my rapist or if he got punished. (I doubt it)
19-21 During this time, I was harassed by a direct supervisor, found out I had PTSD, diabetes, & cervical dysplasia bordering on micro-intrusive cancer (4 years of painful treatment)
21-23 Discharged by the military, married, lost #1st baby, & worked for an all male prison (poor choice on my part)…
24-25 Lived in Turkey during longest strike in Air Force history, the horrible earthquakes of ’98, lost baby #2, had a nervous breakdown & wanted to die
26 Moved back to the states. Divorced.
27-33 (current) Remarried, had a baby (extreme high risk pregnancy), abused by spouse (getting counseling but another divorce is likely), found out I have more illnesses besides PTSD & Diabetes such as, hypertension, secondary major depression, anxiety/panic attacks, Fibromyalgia, migraines, PVCs, tachycardia, & diabetic neuropathy/nerve pain in 3 limbs (1 surgery). My PTSD symptoms have become worse along with my health so, I’ve applied for state disability with my doctors & therapist’s approval and I have been turned down 2x now.
* I try not to give up hope but, I don’t know how much more I can possibly take – I feel so weak. God, please help me be strong! Well, that’s it for now.

I tried to remove those tags but, I was getting fustrated & got tired of re-typing! Thank you for fixing it for me.

I'm forgetting to list some others but, here's a few more events that didn't make it in the 1st time:

1. Before leaving for Turkey, I was one of the 1st El Nino accident victims in Ca (almost drowned, beat up on rocks & cliffs by 2 story waves, & airlifted out to the ER).

2. Almost died during one of my surgeries (I remember bits & pieces even though I was supposed to be under).

3. I've been in a few crazy car accidents (including hitting a deer) but, the one I was in when I was 8 months pregnant was the scariest! A semi's truck tires blew out all over my windshield - he was swerving, I was swerving, & off the highway I went. I can't tell you how bad that anxiety attack was. Well, guess I can - it started pre-term labor!

I'm sure I'll be back to list more - it's a work in progress & hard to get out all at once! Thanks for reading & caring!

What do you believe to be your worst traumatic event from all this?

Thanks Anthony for responding. I don't know which event is the worst. I have nightmares about being stalked, raped, beaten, & then some dreams are just so sad, I wake up crying & can hardly breathe. Sometimes when I'm walking, I feel the ground shake & can only assume it's some left over crap from the earthquakes I was in because no one else feels them. I see cars colliding with me on the highway (even though it's not really happening) & I've seen my grandfather walking by (even though he's been dead for years) but, I'll feel sick & vomit because he's one of the people who molested me. I honestly don't even know how to tackle these problems because there seems to be so many & they all affect me in some way or another. I don't even know where to start!

And, as I'm sure you can figure out, each one of these posted events is a long story that I haven't been able to fully get out yet. Like just the strike in Turkey - it was harder to deal with than just that phrase. Nothing on the base was open, not even the grocery store & I was pregnant. We had to go on special buses and take different routes to a turkish store so terrorists or angry union members couldn't attack us (like shooting at us, or putting ground glass in our food, etc.). It was a nightmare watching our trash build up on the streets & the rats start coming in & worrying when it would ever end. I had a good friend (& his family) shot at whilst driving under a bridge. We had a missile scare & I for one thought we were going to die but, it either hit some mountains or was just a scare because it didn't happen thankfully. Then next thing you know the earthquakes hit & I lose my baby. It just sucked!

I think I just gave myself an idea on how I can work some of my issues out! I sort of listed everything like a grocery list (I'm sure to spare myself of more trauma & emotion). Maybe if I go through each one, describe what happened, get it out of my head, maybe that will help?? Well, here goes...

age 3: My only memory of my father was the day he slipped into a coma & died. I remember wanting to run to his bed & hop up there (we loved each other so much!) and my mom (who was crying) said no. She tried to tell me to leave him alone, tried pulling me away, & finally bribed me away with ice cream (I was 3 so it worked) but, I know I didn't want to leave him but, my mom was crying & I was scared. I started crying because I knew something was terribly wrong, & as my mom had a nervous breakdown & I never saw my dad again, I learned what anguish felt like at 3 years old. (my mom never really spoke of him again & we were too afraid to mention him or ask questions because we didn't want to bring her pain).

age 3-4: Not much to say here except my mom sold everything she had to move closer to her parents after my father died. But, they didn't help us & instead, we ended up in a Salvation Army (my mom was only 24, I was 3, & my brother was an infant). I remember before we were taken in, it was soooo cold & I couldn't walk anymore & I was jealous that my brother got to ride in the stroller (again I was just 3!). I remember being scared sleeping there because of all the strangers in the make-shift dorm room.

age 5: Family relations got a little better after my mom got on her feet (no help from anyone) & we started seeing them. I remember seeing my grandfather have a heart attack & die right in front of me in the garden where I was helping him plant vegetables just minutes before. I was horrified as his face morphed into one of terrible pain & he collapsed at my feet. I ran & got help & that's the last thing I remember. I wasn't allowed to attend the funeral though & I remember wanting to say goodbye. No one talked about him either after he passed away.

age 6: I was repeatedly molested by a male babysitter who was a cemetary care taker. He lived on the property in a little house with his mother. After we were dropped off, we were separated so he could molest me in private. I don't know if anything bad happened to my brother as we were kept apart every visit but, I pray to God that he wasn't hurt. To this day, I have anxiety attacks passing by a cemetary or seeing long-haired, middle-aged, hippie-looking men.

age 6-13: My other grandfather sexually abused me every morning of every day of every summer. This went on for years & I never told anyone although I was repulsed by it & knew it was wrong. Finally, I learned to dissociate which helped save my sanity at the time. Finally, when I was 16, I told my mother & she said "So what! I'm sure what he did wasn't as bad as what he did to me!" I told a friend later who went to the authorities because I suspected my 3-yr old sister was getting abused (she told me & there was blood in her urine, etc.) & next thing you know we were all in foster care & I was taking my grandfather to court (which is another story for another day).

Well, that's it for now. I'll be back another day...

Yep, this is the best way for you to begin actually, considering you cannot isolate one incident just yet. One will always come to the top of your mind though, which is usually the suspect that needs to be hit first. Please keep going, because your definately on the right track. Oh... just be warned and prepared, you will get ill from doing this, have no doubts... expect it, don't fight it, but remember to bring yourself out of it again because it has huge benefits in a few months for you, and you will find you will begin to feel less anxiety and stress over all these things.

Okay, here I go again. I bit off a big chunk so, I don't know if I'll be able to finish these all of these today...

3 - 16: My mother had it extremely rough as she was molested by her father (my grandfather who sexually abused me). Her husband died very young & she was left with 2 babies & no one to help her. Her next boyfriend was a Vietnam vet with PTSD & he abused her in front of us (unfortunately not knowing what he was doing all of the time). I remember he once chopped up our Thanksgiving turkey on the kitchen floor during a flashback or fit of anger while my brother & I hid under the kitchen table in fear of being next. He also stabbed my mom in the leg, broke through our car windshield & pulled my mom out by her neck when we tried to escape one night, etc. Anyhow, I understand why my mom has mental health issues & I don't blame her but, we suffered terribly because she took everything out on us. I was deathly afraid of my mother growing up. Her mood swings were terrible; she would get into these fits of rages & just beat us until she grew tired. Even meal times would turn into forced feedings with egg timers, belt buckles, & beatings. The way I learned the "Our Father" prayer was over her knee & if I forgot a line, she'd beat me. Nothing in my life was normal & it got to the point where I would rather stay at my grandparents house & get sexually abused than stay with her and be physically abused & then sexually abused by the babysitter when she'd go out. At least that way, I was only being abused by one person at a time.

16: Okay, that one was tough & I'm sure I just touched upon how it really was... Anyhow, we did end up going to a foster home & I took my grandfather to court. It was absolutely awful as I'm sure you can imagine. His lawyer even said I was a precocious child and that "I must have asked for it." I was in total shock but, I said, "Yea, you're right, I must have been one hell of a sexy 6 year old!" The whole court system sucks & I feel sick right now thinking about how they treated me so, I'm going to move on.

16 - 17: While I was in the 1st foster home, I was stalked by another teen. He was big, strong & scary who had issues because he was raised in a satanic cult. He would try to touch me, assault me, break into my room etc. so he could rape me. I once came "home" & saw his shoes by the door but all was quiet. I knew he was planning something & I had to escape & think of what to do. I looked in the bathroom, behind the shower curtain & didn't see him so I shut & locked the door to catch my breathe and to think. All of a sudden, out he pops from under the kitchen cabinet! I don't know how he fit himself in there but he scared the crap out of me! Anyway, I believe someone came home to interupt his plan but, another night he got me. He broke down the door (I had put up a lock), & raped me. I got him off by threatening his genitals with my hunter's knife I was finally able to free from under my pillow. The next day when I got home from school, every possesion I had that was in my room was gone. Clothes, make-up, everything was locked up in the foster mother's room because she said I threatened her son! I couldn't believe it! I told my social worker what happened & she put us in another home.

17: Okay, whew... one more to go, I hope I can finish. This one isn't so bad because I was related to these foster parents & they weren't too awful - just very strict & they sided with my grandfather (never told me to my face but, I could sense it & heard about things they said). But, at least I wasn't being hurt & felt a little safer (for me & my siblings). Anyhow, we were eventually sent back to my mom. At this point she HATED me for taking away her little baby. I was the black sheep of the family & she couldn't wait to kick me out when I turned 18 (that's why I joined the military). Many years passed & family relations were strained. My little sister was raised to believe that I was the bad one in the family. I still feel sick that I went through so much just in an effort to protect her from being the next victim & she'll never know. I don't know if I can even bring this up with her but, at least I am happy she didn't grow up the way my brother & I did which I'm very thankful for.

Okay, I'm exhausted now. Peace out...

sorry, meant to say "bathroom" cabinet.