It's been a tough time lately, but I've been working hard at it. Went fishing by myself yesterday, and had a pretty calm, enjoyable afternoon. Then on the hour long drive home I just began to get so angry at myself all I could do was rage at myself, and yell out and curse inside my truck.

I was mad at myself for letting the past affect my life. Was mad at myself for letting things that can't possibly hurt me now affect the way my future unfolds. Got mad at myself for not being strong enough, or smart enough to just move on, leave all this garbage where it belongs. As just part of life, that only has meaning if I allow it to have meaning. That sounds so easy, and it should be... I got mad at myself... Wondering if somehow I enjoy the pain, and therefore hold on to it when it should be so easy to let go of. I'm still angry about it right now, if the truth be told. I keep re-reading "The Power of Now" which is full of excellent positive messages about the importance of living in the moment, forget the past unless it specifically relates to the moment, and don't worry about the future. Live in the Now. Should be so simple. Should be...

Well, just wanted to rant a moment. Going to live in the Now, right Now. And right Now I'm going to be done ranting, and I'm going to sign off, and work on accepting my day, and making myself be at PEACE. Even if I have to slap myself around to do it.

NOW.

PEACE.

AARGHHH....

Hoo boy, I know that frustration! I don't have any answers. Just that maybe it's okay if the past affects our lives.

My past has affected my life in negative ways, for sure: I'm isolated, jumpy, scared, very, very emotional, depressive, careful, so overwhelmed...


And it's had weirdly positive effects, too: I'm really compassionate. I'm sensitive to people's moods, which gives me a heads up to people's anger but also their joy. I'm caring. I'm thoughtful. I'm aware of how rare love is in our lives.

I'm not saying it was worth it. I'm just saying....it is. Our past is a fact of our lives. It's scary to accept that.

Hell, yeah I relate... that could SO have been written by me!!

I don't really have a magical answer either... however... why do you think it is so awful that the past affects you? Pasts affect everyone. People who have good pasts, are positively confident (sometimes somewhat ignorant), but most have something in their past that impacts on them still. Unfortunately, yours was traumatic. Very bad experiences leave their mark when ignored and not processed. But it doesn't mean it has to be this way forever....

Thing is, as much as living in the now is really where a focus should be... this form of positive reconstruction can be misleading. Nobody forgets their past... nobody lives permanently in today unless they are a retrograde amnesiac. Everybody's past plays a part in today. The trick is learning to feel okay about the past, get past the trauma... and to a point where it doesn't affect you so severely and constantly. I can't blame you for that frustration at all. But I know with me... I have spent my life trying to be an emotional plank of wood - but it's not what being human is. And you can't achieve it. I'm just learning now that trying to shove out ANYTHING from the past is just making life worse. Thinking I can successfully do this is impossible, but I've sure as hell spent a long time being convinced if I tried hard enough I could.It just leads me to hate myself more... which makes me more determined to defeat what being human is... which makes me hate myself more... now I realise if I continue, I will self destruct.

Ease up on yourself, mate. It's not your fault that you have PTSD. It's not something you can 'just snap out of'. And in reality, if somebody told you to, you'd tell them where to go right? So why are you passing such harshness on yourself? Reading a book on living in the now isn't going to solve it. It's a process of moving through PTSD... which will lead to living in the now, sure. Adapt the book to aid that process... miracles never happen overnight. Just being told what to do doesn't solve it immediately either... it's about re-learning, re-processing, re-practicing, refining, and moderating yourself. But once the ball gets rolling, I hear that it keeps on rolling with the work.

Keep on keeping on.... and vent whenever the need arises, sometimes its better just to get it out so vent away and away on here rather than spiralling in your mind into self-rage. It's much healthier. And maybe you've got a fair bit of anger to get out about the impact your past has had on your life... the day you are angry at those who caused it will be the day you turn one of the biggest corners of your life.

Hang in there.

An old saying that I memorized vividly, because it helps, goes like this, "When you've got one foot in yesterday and the other foot in tomorrow, you're pissing all over today". Maybe that visual will help keep you focused on the here and now. We can't change the past and the future is really none of our business, the only thing we can effect is right now.
Respect,
WarHippy

Thanks Hippy,

I love that saying, it made me smile.

One social worker put it best, he asked, who's words are they?
Who spoke to you with those words? Who told you all those negatives things. For me, my mind kept hearing my mothers words.
It sounds like you are punishing yourself from someones words that are harboured in your mind. When you find out who's they are, living or dead, give them back.
Then give yourself a pat on the back, and say, "I'm doing well enough today to see I am having a bad day."
It's an everyday pat with a different saying for each day.
We should all live in the now, but tell that to me when my flashbacks bring me back to the sixties. Can't be done by me all the time. But I don't dwell on them, just when they raise their ugly little (gigantic) heads.
Give yourself a break,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,did ya catch anything while fishing?