I've read of others saying they often feel this way. I've been single for some time now and though I've dated some people, inevitably I get afraid of the possibility of intimacy and I run. I know this is a result of five years of being in an abusive relationship growing up, and nothing has ever been the same with men since. I want to be in love and I want to let someone love me and yet it feels hopeless and that if another person comes around I'll just run away again. I think I'm reaching a point in my healing process where I won't run but will instead confront fearful feelings, and yet I sometimes feel like damaged goods because of my PTSD and the trail of tears behind me. I truly fear that I'll just be alone forever because no one will ever want me.

Thoughts?

I have said this to other people, have you read Dr. Burns "Feeling good". There is a wonderful section on these types of thoughts and how to shut them down. Also, I am married with 2 kids and I feel unloveable sometimes but then I remind myself that is a completely false statement and all in my head. It is my past talking, my parents, my teachers, whoever put that thought in my head to begin with, it was their junk and I don't have to feel that way. I am not saying it is easy, feeling that way when you are overwhelmed is kinda normal, but in everyday life you have to think positively. I have learned alot in the last year, mainly in therapy and going to church, spiritual growth has helped me in this area. I go to a great Church called Solomon's Porch in South Mpls, if you are in the area sometime give it a try.

Solomon's Porch? Whereabouts is that? I'm from Southwest Minneapolis and currently live in the Wedge area near downtown. I'll try to check it out sometime. :)

Therapy has definitely been helping me get rid of the "I'm not lovable" thoughts but sometimes it's hard when you're under so much stress or worn down, as you said, and I just try to work through those times and know that just because I feel one way today, doesn't mean I'll feel that way tomorrow.

what about being unable to love? I feel like I have nothing to give now.. I love my husband.. but after 9 years together, of course I love him.. but not with the intimacy he wants and deserves.

What if I have never really allowed myself to love anyone.. how do you know? I've had passion, lust, crushes, whatever.. but lasting, TRUSTING, deep unconditional love.. I dont know.

There is no perfection, I know that.. the kind that stays forever.. whole hearted trust.. deep, true, love. I know there is no perfect love.. but I want it anyway.:dont-know

Vcc I wish I did not have stretch marks. Love and the initial passion wanes. Being comfortable and happy is it. Hot passion lasts even shorter than tight skin and a perky bod.

Like you said no perfection. It just is not there. Being happy can be.

Oh yes, I feel unlovable or unable to love often. I used to focus outside of myself about this. I would think about why no one could love me or why I wasn't good enough. I had a thousand excuses.

What this comes down to is self-esteem and self-worth. So I've started focusing on myself instead. I'm learning how to love myself first. For example: My hair is long and fried. Being sick and on meds is just killing my hair. So for my going-away gift, Nic and I are going to get it chopped off. Short, cute, flinging, flippy.. it will be great. We are doing this for me. I'm treating myself and getting stylish. Today.

Stop focusing on what other people can or can't do. That is just mind-reading and we are humans that don't have that ability. Focus on yourself and what you can do. Learn to love yourself and love from others will follow later!

Bec

P.S. If I get the chance I will take a picture and see if I can upload it on nic's computer (which is what I use to check in here.)

Good for you Bec... I go to this fancy ass spa to get my hair cut, sure it cost more but it makes me feel better to get treated nicely, my husband would die if he knew how much I spend but I work really hard too so I deserve it. Everyone deserves to do something nice for themselves. Let's make that this weekends mission, do one thing nice for yourself, don't think about anyone else and do it for you!

Dao - Solomon's Porch is just off 35W and 46th I think the cross street is Blasdell. PM me sometime if you want to talk about it. I love the Wedge area by the way, some of my old friends used to live there so we hung out alot there. I still make it down at least once a week, we have breakfast at French Meadow on Sat. mornings, go to the Wedge for this stuff called "Amazing corn snack" and the juice bar, oh I could go on and on. I miss working downtown, I need to find a job over there again, I work down in Eden Prairie now (sucks).

Monica

by the way Vcc, I guess I am lucky, my husband and I are totally in love, passionate love after 10 years and 2 kids. We don't always love each other but we always come back to it. We have always been that way though we knew on our first date that we would get married, after 2 months we were engaged, after 3 months we were pregnant (oop!) but we got married after our first was born. It has it's ups and downs (marriage) but we always love each other and the sex is still hot!

I put my new do here: What is Something Good You Did Today?

bec

This is an interesting question. I know I am loveable because I have had long time gorgeous friends with crushes on me propose. Now I have never dated in my life and can't do a sexual relationship in any way so I told them No, because marriage = sex. . Even though they were perfectly willing to try and help me work through my terror of being touched and understood the PTSD issues they thought... .
I made a choice some years ago when I was no longer someone's property that I would always stay alone so I would never be owned by anyone again.

But see they did not see me as damaged.
I am the one who sees it that way. I really have no reason to decide to change in this area regarding dating or relationships because right now it is safer for me to live alone and be alone. But things may change as I get older.

Nora in Colorado