The worst thing about having been abused is that so many continue to blame me for what was done to me and do bad things to me justifying what they do by the actions of those that came before them.

It started when my mother was brutally assaulted by my father and then she got the bright idea that I would be better off with him. That was when I was 2 and still now she says "he said that he would kill me if I didn't give you to him and I am sure that you understand that he meant it." What I understand is that she is a piece of shit and that any judge in the Sixties, Seventies or whenever the **** ever would have incarcerated him if she had just told the truth.

But it doesn't end there... it seems like it never ends... judges, wives and the police think that if I really have suffered like I say I have then I must have done something to deserve it and throw their hand in.

Even my current wife (we are separated).

Hi love2hate.

It's very common for society to blame the victim, as if we did something wrong. It's part of what is called secondary wounding. Many of us (or most of us) have experienced it. Myself included. Glad you found us and welcome!

bec

Hi love2hate, welcome to the forum.

The worst part is that this is the MESSAGE you get from society in general, that this is their overall attitude and belief: i.e. that they're better than you because you're suffering, and they're not-- it really IS "second wounding," by adding insult to injury.

The message is always how you're irresponsible by "not taking responsibility for yourself and what happens to you" etc, i.e. it's your fault for something you did or didn't do-- or you're just plain not as good as they are.

That's the message I always feel from people, i.e. "you reap what you sow," meaning that they feel better about themselves at my expense because I'm suffering and they're not.

And the worst part is social and professional impairment, i.e. I can't work or socialize like they can; it's literally 1000 daily humiliations of rejection and blame.

In any context, I just can't help seeing that invisible wall with me on the outside. I remember studying about how prejudice is an invisible wall in terms of race, but this is even worse in that it's not attacked but arrogantly defended.

People also do this to help themselves feel safer and less vulnerable--if it's the victim's fault, then they can tell themselves, "I would never put myself in that position, so I will never be subject to that kind of trauma." They do itsubconsciously because then they feel safer.