Of course there are some things that I could do without:
The depression, the panic attacks, the inability to maintain relationships. But my trias and tribulations have also give me a lot. On a deep and profound level I don't want to be like "them". I don't want to act like them. I don't want to behave like them. Much - most of the abuse I suffered was in broad daylight and even the police were complicant. I don't want my life and the suffering I was subjected to to be for nothing. I am strong - I litterally would not have survived if I were not. I want to make a difference. I want to do so much good with my life that the evil that I was subjected to is reduced. I don't want to be normal. It is the normal people that allowed the hollocaust and they are also the one that watched 500,000 hands chopped off on their ****ing TVs in Rawanda.
I know that I am not supposed to write about sucide but I couln't live with myself if I had to just give up go over to their side. It is the HATE I have for their apathy that keeps me alive.
I have some good poetry on this and related subjects. Is this an appropriate place to post it?

Hi L2H,

You may talk about suicide here, but you may not post about you wanting to commit suicide, ie. drawing sympathy and concern from others with PTSD because you want to take your own life, or the words to create interest anyway. Suicide as a general topic is acceptable, just not directed or insinuated towards yourself / another here.

Your username says it all really, why you wouldn't want to get better, because you Love2Hate nowadays. You love to create conflict, anger and chaos to others because of what you have suffered. You think because you have suffered, others should suffer. Why?

My handle is a triple pun.
But I think I answered your question in my first post.

But I can add this:

BECAUSE IT IS STILL NOT OVER.

I am a family member rather than someone with PTSD, but if there are sides to be taken, I do consider myself on the same side as my niece, my brother-in-law and my son, who have all suffered from this illness. Definitely not against them, only desiring to help in whatever small way I can. Additionally I consider my family very normal, and would hate to think that all "normal" people are apathetic to the suffering in the world, my family certainly is not. We care for others immensely.

There are only sides to be taken.

I appreciate your loving and kind reply but suggesting that there are not sides to be taken suggests that looking the othre way is an option. And that is the option 100% of the people who saw my father beating me took so I don't have much respect for that particular point of view.

Just answering your title...If you have no desire to heal and get better you are not in the right place because that is what hundreds are here for.

Love2hate, ermm are you a troll? Because it seems like you're just saying things in order to provoke people.

Pardon me for sounding unintelligent, but I'm uncertain what you are disagreeing about. However, I can ascertain from the tone of your posts that you are an exceedingly unhappy person. I feel for you in that, and do hope you someday become happier, though only you have the power to be more positive and make things better for yourself.

Batgirl - you rock. I love your posts and I only wish I could be as positive as you. I have been told by many here that they don't like my tone. And I will be the first to admit that I have developed a provocitave persona.

Since I excaped my father at the age of 14 my very goal in life was to just be normal and fit in. By the age of 22 I had alreadly fallen victim to several other abusers both male and female and I abandonded that as a goal. Now 11 years later I have honed my persona to that of a regular Eminem.

I admit that it is not working but 11 years is a long time and I only started learning about PTSD about a week ago. I am still very distrustful and confliced.

I am leaving this forum. Perhaps I'll come back when I can put on a good face but let me say this:

I won't need your help then. I didn't come her to help others I came here to help myself - IT MY JOB TO HELP OTHERS and on my free time I want to improve myself, I genuinely feel that while some of the posts on this forum were truely revealing and eye-opening that I don't want to be where some of you are.

So goodbye for now, and I wish you all the best even if you might not belive me. Let's hope I don't choose "Troll" as my next handle.