As you all know from my diary or postings, I've gone through some rough times (same as you) but, one memory keeps at me & even though it may not be as bad as everything else I've listed, it makes my heart ache because it has to do with my mother. She was a single mom with mental health issues & I've forgiven her for the way we were raised but, she doesn't remember anything about what she did or who molested me or anything! Selective amnesia I guess! She even called me up the other day & asked who was it that used to babysit me when I was little, "You know the guy that took care of the cemetary?". I was in shock since I had told her that he molested me when I was 6. Well I told her his name (I can still remember) & she was like "oh yea, I saw someone on tv that looked like him." That's it, like she didn't even remember what he did to me! Anyway, I didn't have the heart to tell her again - maybe forgetting the past is her way of dealing with pain (sometimes I wish I could to).

Anyway, here's one of the memories that keep bothering me:

I was about 10 years old & riding my bicycle up the driveway & past my mom's car when BAM! As I turned the corner, I ran right into her! I didn't see her because she was bent down cutting the grass with a pair of garden shears hidden by the car. I fell off my bike & hurt myself & of course I hurt her too. Next thing I knew, I was literally running for my life as she started screaming that she was going to kill me while running towards me with the sharp open shears. I knew she would too because when she was mad like this there was no stopping her fury & she would beat you senseless with anything she had in her hands until her anger was spent. Since I didn't want to be stabbed to death, I ran for my life around and around our duplex & everytime I ran by my neighbor's door, I banged on it for help & then started running again. About the 5th time around (mom was still going strong) my neighbor finally opened the door, pulled me in, & then locked her out.

My mom of course has no recollection of this anymore... It's fustrating though because I still do & I still dream of her (and other people) running after me trying to kill me... Anyhow, I just wanted to get that out. Thanks for listening.

A part of me didn't want to read this post bc of how close to how this is. My mom has MAJOR selective memory... and it's so painful to know that my major deep hurts are invisible to her. But what I have realized is that I cannot and will not look to my mother to validate what I felt, experienced, still struggle with. Unfortunately, even though I struggle with the consequence of her choices, it's my life.

I still dream of her yelling, threatning, the knives, belts, shoes, etc and I wake up screaming no! And it sucks so fricken hard.

It's vital to share the things that haunt us. To hold on to them, to get lost questioning the validity of our feelings, does us no good. I mean, introspection is important. But this process is not meant to be done alone. I am glad that you are sharing, keep sharing. After a couple of deep breaths (part of me facing my own self and pain), I will read your diary.

Thinking of you, Nov

Thanks Nov Silence for caring & reading my post even though it hits close to home (I have a lot of trouble reading people's posts as well). I think my mother's been weighing on my mind more since she's in poor health (as am I) and also because I'm a mother now too & I just don't understand how you could be so cruel to your children and then completely forget. Well, like I said I did forgive her because she suffers from mental health issues too and I strive Not become her. It's just hard because it took so many years to forgive her & start our relationship again & reach that point where we could talk about anything. Now, it's like the past 15 years didn't even count & I don't want to rehash everything again with her. Oh well, at least I tried, that's all any of us can do... Take care.

P.S. If you read my diary, it's not a big long story. The only way I got through it was by listing events like I was writing a shopping list. I find it easier to do this or tell my therapist in this way so, my emotions don't overcome me because I don't know what would happen. Although, I know I need to do this sometime to start really healing!

This may not sound right so let me reiterate. I have mental health issues too (just like my mom) or else I wouldn't seek support here. What I meant to say is that I strive not to take out my anger, fustration, irritation, (all of the negative aspects of depression & PTSD) on my son. She didn't go to counseling or take medication to help plus, during that time going to a psychiatrist for help was looked upon in embarressment or in shame.