Evie, the above are short, sharp and too the point only, they do not highlight all aspects, only some points for you too see your progress since completing your first imagery, compared to your third. You have mentally progressed to a far superior place within yourself. More in some areas than others, though you definately haven't gone backwards.

Wow thanks Anthony, that's a lot for me to absorb. Although I do have to say after reading, that none of it is a surprise to me really. I was expecting some huge revelation, but all of it is stuff I knew more or less already. I guess I know myself better than I thought. I do have a couple of comments and questions though.

This is so true, I've felt this way for years until quite recently. It's been very difficult for me even to make platonic friends here on the forum. In fact for example, when you initially started talking about visiting my family in Canada, my first thought was to kill myself before you could come see us! That's how bad it was, nevermind sexual intimacy with anyone. But I don't feel that way anymore thankfully.

I do feel like no one wants me, why would they considering how damaged I am? I feel like I would be a burden on anyone I was with. But what do you mean by feeling like you have been ripped off with intimacy because of trauma? Can you explain that to me please?

Yes this is so true as well, I am happy for the support I have, but still have the lingering feeling that it could all end at any moment. Often times it's like I'm preparing myself for losses that haven't even occurred yet.

Could you please explain this also? What do you mean by someone or something less than totally honest? I'm being dishonest or someone else is being dishonest with me? I don't really understand the statement.

Anyways I guess that's all the comments I had. Thanks so much for doing this for me, I appreciate it. I actually do feel quite optimistic having read it. I really have made a lot of progress mentally, it's quite amazing to me. Thanks again.

Oh I forgot. I also wanted to comment/ask about this. Does this mean I want to be a kid again, or that I just want to go back to before the shooting? I know I often wish the shooting never happened and that I didn't have PTSD. In fact I have fantasies about that. Hmm, maybe I should write about that in my diary...

Anyways thanks again for doing this, you've given me lots to think about.

You just answered your own question Evie... which only you could have done. Saved me the trouble of telling you I don't know, only you do. You know you would like to return to an earlier time, being prior to the shooting. That would be what your sub-conscious feels.

You really once again answered this already, being you believe your damaged goods now from your trauma, and what did you say, "I feel like I would be a burden on anyone I was with."
This refers to commitment, being relationships with others, whether spouse, family or friend, that is up to you, as its your mental image. What you stated was: "It's a bit stained too on the inside, I think from coffee, because it's a brown stain." which you referred as coffee, being a liquid, which defers to the commitment towards someone or something less than totally honest. The coffee is a stain as you stated, so this is likely something that is lingering in your mind, though is off past nature, likely a commitment issue you had that maybe you still feel guilty for or the like, remembering, could be spouse, family or friend.

Thanks for your answers Anthony. I think I pretty much understand it all now. Mostly just some of the terminology was a bit hard to understand but you explained it well. I'm curious about the coffee stain thing but I can't imagine what it might be, there are so many issues with people in my past that I feel guilty over, I couldn't pick just one. Though I suppose it could represent the amalgamation of those several that I really haven't resolved. Anyways thanks again for doing this, it's been really interesting. I'm curious to see what I will be like again in another few months, if I keep working at myself.

Well. You've certainly made progress since January Evie. The mental imagery doesn't lie. Proud of you.

Uncle Jim.

Thanks Uncle. It is pretty amazing how much progress I've made. I can barely believe it myself.

Anthony, is there anything I'm supposed to be doing with this now, or just continue as usual with my diary, therapy, etc? I read everything you wrote but I really don't have any questions other than the ones I already asked, the whole thing was slightly triggering but like I said most of it was no surprise to me. Maybe that's fine but others seem to be surprised by theirs. Am I missing something?

Evie, your not missing a thing, because your mental imagery is old, and it changes constantly. Simply doing the imagery with no feedback begins the process within your brain... which you have already been through. A few pieces that your brain may not have engaged are what you mention in relation to being slightly triggered, but otherwise, you have dealt with the majority of it at this stage, and this was purely informative for you to view your progression since being here really.

You answered it yourself above, relating to believing how much progress you have made, that was the idea of what little I have put here for you. I think your doing just fine at the moment, and your already on the right path to heal yourself and learn how to manage PTSD.... your not in denial anymore Evie, and your progress now should be the main focus. Find the negatives in your life, find any triggers, then begin attacking them, to either find a path past them or know you must avoid them.

Work on social skills, ie. begin exposure into crowds, functions, concerts, anything of large proportion, but do it in stages, get yourself back into society. These skills help with your general daily functioning skills, as they all intertwine as you!

Thanks Anthony, I'm glad I'm on the right track and relieved you said that because I really wasn't sure what else I could be doing at this point! I've been working hard at everything, basically just dealing with things as they come up, like going to my Dad's grave for example. I wasn't sure if that was the right way of going about things... I thought maybe I should have some organized method, but it has been working so far. My social skills, those definitely need a lot of improvement, my self-esteem too, so I will try to set some goals for myself in those areas. Thanks again for doing this it's been an eye opener for me to see how much progress I've made.