Hahaha, sometimes I wonder how nic (cole) can even understand me. And she does exactly what she posted. If I wasn't able to ping stuff off of her, I'm sure I wouldn't get as much done nor be able to focus as much as I do now. It really does help to have someone just pull out the important stuff. Rather amazing how jumbled our brains can get sometimes.

bec

Marlene..

I am just like u...if someone said something to me..i will go every angle to see/search what they really mean..i cant just accept as it is or just like u say drop it out and let it go. i have a very complicated mind..lol..i hate this..it makes me hate being myself..but i learned that i think how i think its coz im too self concious and too afraid wat people might think of me...especially in a negative way..its like a vicious cycle...u remember more of bad things people do to u than the good things they do to u..i dont know..i wish im a lil gal again so i dont have to be like this..little kids are so carefree..i hate feeling trap in my own mind..=) but there's always chance for improvement/healing..

I guess you could say I'm a carer. But I have a tendancy to overthink things too. Examine from every angle I can think of, trying so many ways to interpret things, imagining scenareos - I've always done it.

Over the end of May/beginning of June this year, things I had put on hold, deliberatly hadn't dealt with because I couldn't afford to at the time forced their way to the surface and it took me a while. I ended up getting to the point where I made myself over-tired so I had an excuse to sleep through as much of the day as possible. I kept forgetting to eat and would end up sitting in the corner of the room staring at nothing for hours. Ironically it was the person who I spent so much time looking after who kicked me out of that state. But I was still breaking down in tears in the shower, my head was full of paranoia and regret and rage and betrayals, and it wasn't even new territory - it was like my head was stuck in this rut and going round and round in circles, ground I'd covered before, again and again, and I couldn't seem to break free of it, and even though things were okay, even though i was trying to be happy, I couldn't seem to get those thoughts out of my head.

Until I realised that I hadn't written in my LiveJournal for months, so i made a locked entry which must have been about 5 A4 pages worth, got everything out of my head, every time I'd been hurt or upset or betrayed by the person I was caring for this year. And within a couple of days (and with the help of a few good songs) I had put it down. I felt free-er. Still picking the splinters out of my brain, but it worked. And I've forced myself to get back into writing again.

And not only detailing the bad stuff, not only detailing the fury and the tears, but the good things too.

I even showed him the post about the good things last night, which left him utterly speechless for about quarter of an hour. He's not used to good things being thought or written about him.

Just saying, I think I recognise your headspace to a lesser degree, and I want to share what helped me in the hope that it will help others too.

The songs, if you want to know
3 Doors Down; Kryptonite
Kane; The House Rules
Alanis Morrissette; You Owe Me Nothing In Return
Matchbox 20; Disease