So, with everything that's been going on with my academics and the boyfriend situation, my anxiety and stress levels have gotten to a point where I'm waking up in anxiety attacks and in tears, and only realize after a minute or so that I've been crying. Then there's the dizzy spells which have been accompanying the constant state of anxiety.

I've been using coping methods that have worked in periods where some sort of acute short lived anxiety attacks, but they tend to only work for the period of time in which I'm actively doing so. Meditation, deep breathing exercises, spending time with my dog, cooking and baking, reading/writing, and the rest help, but only to a certain point.

I think part of the problem is that the reason why I'm having so much anxiety and stress isn't going to go away in the next little while, and there's a constant underlying panic.

I saw my psychiatrist today, and after talking for an hour and an half (he takes as much time as needed), he thinks that putting me back on Clonazepam for the next six months might help take the edge off, so I can work on my academics. I negotiated with him on the frequency of the medication, but I still have my reservations about being back on a medication that is so hard to get out of my body and that the withdrawal of it the last time round made me sick for two weeks.

I'm not completely sure of whether medication is the best course of action, but short of relieving the stressor (which is impossible right now) I need to be able to function. I don't want to be reliant on medication again, but I think it might be something that may help me get through this period of time. Eek!

Sincerely Stressed,

A. Lauren

I understand where you are coming from. It can be so hard. I hope that I don't offend you with this statement.....

I really think that you are demanding way to much from yourself right now.

It can be a vicious cycle with anxiety. You worry about something, and you put more demands on yourself, then you end up with more anxiety. Your post tell me that you are an intelligent person. You verbalize your problems well, your grammar is great, so the problem may lie within you to suceed, and to put more demands on yourself.

I would suggest that you look back at your grades to see where you stand. I bet that you have been in the upper level in that equation. You probably have been a very good student thoughout your school years.

If I am right......Figure a way to try and not demand so much from yourself, because I don't think that your grades will suffer at all if you let up some on yourself.

I am not saying to let your studies slack... just to give you some space, and to look at yourself and give yourself the credit that you deserve....

Wendy

Wendy, thank you. I thought about this and I should give myself some slack. I'm a good student - you were pretty much spot on. The panic the university instills in me makes me doubt my ability.

One of battles I've had with them for the last few months ended today, in my favour. Had it not ended in my favour my education would have been over today. As with the class I'm in now. Its a crap load of work, and hopefully I'll be able to pull of the grade I want.

Try as I may to make the situation seem less anxiety stricken, when I think about the class being the only way my education continues and my final being 70% of the grade, I get very overwhelmed. I suppose I should feel better knowing I've taken a class with this professor before.

I ended up taking 0.25mg of Clonazepam, which brought everything down to a level where the anxiety didn't supersede my ability to think.

Here's to hoping some of the other stuff going on around me can be calm. Hopefully couple's therapy tomorrow will go smoothly.

So here's to grace periods, allowing myself some time, and getting through the next month.

A. Lauren

Well i hope things settle down for you. Anxiety is hard, mine is super huge today. Have no unrealistic expectations, have only intentions. Expect that you will get through this anyway you need to, intend to overcome this illness and learn to live and deal with each day as it comes. These are words that I try to remember. I found it helpful and you can put other words into expectaations and intentions.........Just my two cents. Hope things start to look up for you.
take care.

You will do fine, if you just let up on yourself a bit.....I am glad that things went you way, and maybe now some pressure has been lifted....

Doing the best that you can, without killing yourself, or ending up in the Physc ward is all that you can ask of yourself....

You will do fine.

Wendy

Amen!

*it can be such a hard task, that self care!*

bec

Okay, so you know when things are already super stressful, and you feel like you're beginning to muddle your way through it and that things are finally going to be okay? Yeah... that's the point where that completely unforeseen event that you couldn't have imagined in a million years happens. I don't think a thousand words could explain the distress that I'm feeling in a full body sort of way.

My mom's best friend from years ago called me trying to get a hold of her - she hasn't talked to her since I left home as she agreed with what I went through - the abuse, and that I wasn't lying about it. My mom stopped talking to her then and there. It was a very long conversation, and very emotionally draining and hopefully soon I'll be able to talk about it in more detail, but the severity of flashbacks, and the understanding of how dangerous my step father is as a sexual sadist to not only to me or other children, but to women at large. The things I'm learning, and to know that other adults knew what was happening................. I don't even know how to put this together right now.

Hopefully tomorrow I will be more articulate about this and will be able to piece this together. Damn it, I was just getting to feel like I could manage what I was dealing with, hopefully this won't throw me off too much. DAMN IT!

Best you can do is vent it. I won't recommend meds to take an edge off. If it is last resort before you have to go to a hospital you are so bad off, then I do. You are right to doubt it is worth taking for easing stress. You know what happens!

If you can weather the above without ER then do so and get it out of you and let us as a group help you pull it apart to work through it. But don't look for the band aid if you can go without. It is only prolonging the inevitable. You will have to face it. If you have to take meds to avoid the hospital trip that is a bit different IMO. We are here.

It always seems as though we are managing things, and then something is thrown in the mix to set us back.... You really do have to face this.

The biggest thing is you have been validated.....Even though other adults did NOTHING to stop it. At least now you do have that validation. That is huge...And a huge component to your healing process..

Vent more when you can.

Wendy

Okay - so some good news. I think I really needed this. I was doing some surfing last night in regards to Criminal Injuries, ODSP, and the rest, and came across the Ontario Ombudsman. Well, sure enough they cover OSAP!

So I called them this morning, and it looks like what everyone has been telling me is a lie. There is a level of appeal, and if OSAP does kick me off, it can be fought. The woman I spoke with had me in tears, she was so extremely kind and supportive. I didn't know anyone mandated in Ontario's government could be so kind. She told me I could do it and just kept talking to me until I was alright. She also told me to call her back anytime if I needed to talk. I honestly got off the phone and cried. I cried because there is recourse for OSAP, I cried because that woman was so kind, and I cried because someone who didn't even know me believed in me. So of course, my dog come running up to me and starts licking my face, as if he's saying, "Hey mom, why are you crying, I love you, lets go play with my toys" - and he got a good scratch. It's such a relief to know that something can be done, and that people really are there.

It doesn't change the fact that I have a paper and 17 lectures to get through in the next little while, and that is very stressful, but at least I know that I can stop if its too much for me and not 100% be sure I will have no ability to continue my education. Thank you google, lol.