The Doc told me to write, so here I am. I am gonna write one event that happened to me and my crew during the deployment. I did post a little background info on myself in the Introductions section, so you all can get a glimpse of me before you read any further.

This is not easy to write. And if it offends anyone I am sorry, I am just venting on an event that I went through, and am still dealing with.

We wasn't even in country a month, before we got called up to do a recovery mission on a route in Baghdad. The route scared the hell out of me, as there was one way in- and the insurgents seen you go in- then you had to come back out the same way. Some never made it out.
An Abrams tank had rolled over a 700lb spanish bomb on the route, and we were the closest to helping and were the first responders to the scene. The bomb had blew the turret completely off the tank, and some of the tank's skirting that had gotten blown off was stuck in a radio tower over 500meters away.
The tank was on fire and you could hear the rounds inside cooking off. A few minutes later our Convoy Commander came over the net and informed us that there were still Soldiers inside the tank. I felt the life drain from me. There was nothing that we could do but watch as pieces and rounds sprayed out from inside the burning wreckage.

For 18hrs we sat there, for 18hrs we watched, for 18hrs we could do nothing at all. After that we had to conduct Mortuary Affairs as well- so we had to dismount and scavenge the area for the parts of the Soldiers.

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The feelings I get from this event: Helplessness, Anger, Fear, Frustration

Riger: Wow, congrats on starting your own diary. I'm rather impressed considering it's your first day!

However, don't be apologizing in here about your trauma. If it offends them, they shouldn't be reading it! Remember, this is YOUR diary to help YOU heal. Not others. So no more apologies of that nature!

Great start! I would recommend you attempt to make a bullet list of all the trauma for one post, then try to go in depth on each thing after wards. Helps to keep track of what you've dealt with and what you haven't! Don't worry about not doing it if your not comfortable. It's just a suggestion!

Again, big kudos for jumping right in!

bec

I thank you for your kind words. I feel this is something that I am gonna have to tackle "head-first" because if I don't, then that makes my family and I suffer longer than they have to, and I don't want that.

Good attitude to have. That is exactly what you need to remember as that is the only way to heal. Good luck!

Another day passed and today I just feel rather "blah". I did take the little quiz thingy and the results were:
Overall Summary of Combined Symptom Groups

1. Pre-Requisites Score (2 points required): 2
2. Re-Experiencing Symptoms (required between 10 - 50 GAF): 14
3. Numbing and Avoidance Symptoms (required between 10 - 50 GAF): 23
4. Hyper-Arousal Symptoms (required between 10 - 50 GAF): 10
5. Social and Work Dysfunction (required between 10 - 50 GAF): 38
6. How long have you had these symptoms: Four Months or Longer (Chronic PTSD)

I am gonna have my wife review it as well, and then when I have therapy on friday, I'll have the Doc go over it. I'll write more later on... I wanna play with the kids for a bit.

About standard scoring for a soldier riger, don't panic. I used to be on the worse end of all spectrums also, though have managed to correct that issue providing I maintain and manage myself. Its as simple as that... so there is hope yet mate, don't give up just yet... lots of hard work ahead, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you.
Lets work on this event riger. Please explain each of your feelings that you described above in more detail. Tell me why you felt those things, what went through your head. I know you sat their and felt helplessness, because I too have done it. People think war is all gun ho, but infact you have to sit and watch people die, and its often to dangerous to go in and rescue anyone, because the chances are higher that all rescuers will also be killed, or its out of your scope for protection, ie. civilians / militia killing one another, your not to get involved. So... what goes through your head with those feelings in relation to that event?

Helplessness: Exactly as you put it, I felt this cause all we could do was sit there, until it was clear for us to enter.
Anger: It was our sister battalion that got hit, so we knew some of them. Although I did not know the Soldiers inside the tank... nonetheless they were our Soldiers. My anger stems from our Soldiers dying like that, and if they were alive-and calling for our help... we were just under 100m away.... also anger towards the people that killed them... and the Iraqi civilians nearby, that didn't warn them... just let them roll over the bomb and die. To me they are just as guilty as the ones who planted the bomb.
Fear: Fearful for my life as well, just being out there.
Frustration: Because I desperately wanted to beat the living shit out of whoever was responsible for doing that to our Soldiers... as well and kill the civilians who were nearby. <-- I know that sounds bad, but at the time, that is what I felt.