Anthony & anyone who cares to chime in, I haven't posted in a while (I suppose most only do so when we feel we need to) but here I am again looking for some wisdom...I have explained my history with my wife in other posts, so I won't repeat the whole thing...As of the beginning of this year, my wife was in therapy (I told he if she didn't go back, I'd leave her) and doing very well, each session was intense and much ground was being covered, she made several breakthroughs, and I was extremely proud of her. It seemed we had gotten over the hump, and while I knew there would be bad days ahead, I thought they would be the exception to the rule. My wife apparently agreed with me, as she decided shortly thereafter to go back to work. She got a job she really loves, and which could be a career for her. I made my wife promise to me that, if she went back to work, she would continue her therapy, to which she readily agreed. So about three months went by and things were going pretty well, although she did not go back to therapy. When I asked her about this, she said that she had already done what she needed and that she really didn't have the time to go anyway. I let it go because things were seemingly fine. Then, about a month ago, the old demons returned. One day a neck ache, the next a stomach ache, then nausea, etc. Day missed from work, tearful calls to her boss explaining the "illness" of that particular day. Her manager has told her repeatedly that she needn't worry, that she should take care of the (insert problem here) and get better. Today I lost it...she left work early on Saturday because she felt weird. Then today, her neck (hurt for a long time, got better, now today, suddenly, is raging again - she's had x-rays, nothing there) is the culprit. Her manager has had the patience of a saint thus far, but she knows nothing of PTSD and eventually will realize that this is going to continue indefinitely and will fire her (this will be traumatic for my wife and she will be devastated, not looking forward to the fallout from that day). So here we are again, the "illnesses" have returned, and I am SICK of this to the nth degree. I told my wife during marriage counseling that I considered this job to be, in part, a test to see whether we were ready for kids - the idea being that if she could handle a full-time job for at least a year, then she/we could (conceivably) handle raising a child. I am extremely upset that she has quit going to therapy, but I am also reaching the point of apathy with this...I have NO interest in repeating this pattern over and over the next three decades - it's like my wife just doesn't "get it"...as soon as she is feeling better it's like: "whew, glad that PTSD is over with! I'm fine now, back to what I was doing!" It is Pride, pure and simple, and although I don't fault her for having it, I'm at the point where enough is enough. I'm thinking of leaving her, because I'm tired of repeating this cycle, and I want kids before age 40 (at the latest). I'm starting to wonder if only the threat of divorce is going to motivate her, which is NOT what I want our marriage to be built upon...

When I first read this thread, I had an opinion. Then I went and did a search of your previous threads. My first gut feeling was right. Your wife is in denial, and doesn't feel like working on herself anymore. She decided that after a few months, that she was cured.... WRONG!!!!!!

You just don't "get over" PTSD in a few months. It takes time, hard work and determination to do this. I think that your wife may have got to a point of extremely uncomfortable therapy sessions, and decided that enough was enough. IMO No pain, NO gain. She copped out when the pain go to much to handle.

As far as you.....You need to take care of you. You are number #1... So is your wife, but she has chosen different, so you need to take care of you now. No one can tell you what to do, you need to figure things out on your own.

Sit down and have a good talk with yourself. List the pros and cons of your marriage. List the good and bad of your wife. List your gaols, and the set backs that you are facing right now. Try to decide if this is something that you are going to continue to face in your marriage. Ask yourself if you think it's possible that your wife will return to therapy, and give it an honest try. Are you willing to have to try and force her when she balks. The last question......When will you be able to stop enabling her, so that she can't walk away????? Remember you both made an agreement that she would continue in therapy and work for a year. So far she quit therapy, and the job isn't going well either. You said nothing to her. This is enabling.....

I do understand your pain in all of this. It's so hard to give support when someone isn't willing to help themselves. So now how long do you continue to try and support her???? How do you take care of you, and your needs??????

Ultimately this is your decision. I wish you the best in whatever you choose.

Please take care of you...

Wendy

Superd, welcome back to the forum. I do not have much to add to the wonderful advice you have received from Wendy. I agree with it all; you must look after yourself as well, and your wife must take the initiative to heal. I can fully understand your not wanting to continue in this "cycle" for years to come. You are correct, the threat of divorce is no way to maintain a happy marriage.

Perhaps your wife was not ready for a full time position? That is entirely possible given she has PTSD. She may not be as well as you were hoping. I do believe however she needs to resume therapy and working upon herself, and that if nothing else, you should insist upon this.

Do take care of yourself and continue to post here, you are most welcome.

Welcome back, superd. Good to have you.

Jim.

Hi superd, welcome back. I agree with bits and pieces of above, yet have my opinion on this matter.

I think your both in denial about the seriousness of PTSD. I include you in that, because your pushing her along, what you may believe to be progress, your pushing her to work, your pushing her as a test to whether or not you will have children with her, and who knows what else.

The actual chances of a person with PTSD holding down a full-time job with long term success is so slim, you have better chances with a scratch and win. The stress off employment, dealing with people, getting up and having to be somewhere on time, having people order you around, and all the issues that come with employment, are 98% of the time far too much for a person with PTSD to cope with. Sorry to say... but it is.

This does not mean a person with PTSD cannot ever work, it simply means they typically cannot work in a normal job with normal stressors. They often function in jobs where they work solely by themselves, they can function in jobs where they are left alone for the majority of the time, they function in jobs where there is no customer interaction, many distractions and stressors. Usually you will find a sufferer working for themselves in a limited capacity, so they can work around their PTSD.

I totally agree with Wendy though, in that she believes its a short term fix, where its much bigger than that, and she must understand it.

Interesting Anthony. Kathy and I know of several who work full time. However. Keeping in mind what you say above - truthfully none are fairing well. All have bad symptoms. One drinks heavily. Didn't occur to us it might be the employment. Thank you for that point.

Jim.

Thank you Anthony for your input. In spite of what we know through experience with Evie, Brian and Eric, and our reading and research, we often seem to miss or forget key points of a situation. I suppose it's because we can't possibly know what it's like to have PTSD ourselves. We still have much to learn!

Superd, I apologize for taking over your thread. I do hope to see you here more often, take good care.

Anthony,

You are right about the work issue, as we do seem to work better when we work for ourselves, but I wonder if.........With working, and really dealing with our issues, and going to therapy, can working a job be accomplished, and held down????

Wendy

While agreed she needs to be in therapy IMO, I am a bit confused. Does she want kids? I mean it sounds like she has already been given an ultimatum for being a mother or not. I have children and I do fine with them, if anything they have been what helps me through this and motivates me. Now hold down a full time job in the work place? Won't happen, I don't see it happening again for years if ever at full time. But if you are going deny your wife children over whether she proves herself worthy enough as a worker... That just seems to me be a profound amount of stress in itself.

I think her back in therapy at least once a month and you both back into therapy for your relationship is most needed. You know the stress of a job may be part of it flaring up but it is not only that, it is the circumstances. I mean if she loves her job maybe it is why she has it is causing the flare up. Therapy is needed for both of you on that.

Spouses make accommodations for each other. She may never be able to work full time. That may be one of her quirks. You being a guy she probably won't force you try to grow back a full head of hair when you age... Some things are just expected.

Again you should stick to your guns on the therapy but threatening divorce as motivation? If you want to divorce do it, if you don't don't. But never use that as leverage to force something and at the same time whether or not she can be a mom as leverage either. It is just wrong to say I am going to withhold my love and children from you until you do as I want. Which is pretty much what you described summed up. I know that would send me over the edge, therapy or not.

Quick thoughts.......here.... Ask those who have PTSD and a child what it is like for them to deal with a child or children and a spouse? Then consider their answers and then consider whether you think you and your spouse can deal with the similar issues...

The child will have to deal with a PTSD parent and a parent coping with that spouse.. etc. Those are just some of my thoughts good bad or indifferent.......
D