Hey guys, thanks for all the input. It isn't an easy situation for anyone, but then all of you can relate, I know.

Veiled, thaks for your input as well, as you definitely gave me some things to think about. I do want to make one thing clear to you though, I have never "threatened" my wife with divorce if she doesn't "do what I want". What I HAVE done is set a boundary with her that, if she does not take care of managing her PTSD when she is fully capable of doing so (and she is), then I will take steps to make sure that my life, and the lives of my future children, are not harmed by that decision. I will not bring children into a household where PTSD goes untreated. This is, to a degree, a pride thing for her, and yes, maybe she is feeling pressure from me to manage it, but we have come to the point where I am not going to sit passively by and endure this. When she goes to therapy, she does very, very well. When she doen not go, she, and we, suffer for it (I'm not talking about missing an appointment, I'm talking about 6 month gaps in treatment). You may call it a threat, but then those who suffer from PTSD might see someone setting boundaries as a threat because it is a threat to the behavior and coping tactics they are comfortable with. I struggle with this very,very fine line between supporting your spouse and looking out for your own well being. Sometimes the two cannot co-exist, although most times they can. She knows what she needs to do, it is a question of her doing it. If she feels she cannot do it (but can work full-time), then that is news to me. I would do everything in my power to help her go back, but you know as well as I do that that decision must come from her, not me.

Personally I feel this is a very wise decision superd. We all know that children are often unplanned, and when that happens one makes the best of the situation. However when you have the option to plan as you do, it is best to delay parenthood until both partners are psychologically prepared. It is simply unfair to bring a child into a situation where one or both parents is unwell, mentally or physically. When PTSD is managed is a different story, but unmanaged I would completely agree with you. My niece with PTSD is not in a relationship and has no children (she is still young, 23), but she has vowed to not have children until she has healed sufficiently and is able to manage herself well. I am very proud of her for this decision, putting the welfare of her future children above her own desires. Children are a huge responsibility, and it is a privilege I believe, rather than a right, to have them.

Yep babies are cute and cuddly. They cheer you, no doubt about it. Then they grow into hormonal teenagers and drive you to drink. Love all of mine, at all stages. However. They have required much mental preparedness. Don't have them before you're ready. They are a major undertaking.

Jim.

You know.. if you have to set that boundary.. don't have kids.

Plain and simple.

If her therapy is a matter of whether or not you stay together, leave.

I know this sounds harsh.. but reality is don't be some where where there has to be so many rules just to go through normal life events.

I'm sorry but it really doesn't sound like your heart is in it.. I'm not saying you don't love her, just that your heart is pulling away.

Also, although there may be a fine line between taking care of yourself and supporting your sufferer, there is also a fine line between support and control. Demanding certain conditions be met.. is control not support.

PTSD will never go away. Demanding tests of working to have kids, therapy to stay together..etc.. your only causing more damage to the relationship. It's your way or the highway, by the sounds of it.

Also, therapy is for her and it's her choice. It can take a long time for us sufferers to decide to really get to it. No matter how other people push, pull, demand or manipulate will not get us there any faster.

Being with us sufferers requires tons of patience, love, support, education and commitment.. for our lifetime. PTSD does not have ten year limits. If you have reached your limit.. get out before causing yourself and her damage.

IMHO.

bec

Ohhhh.... that was so well put superd... thank you for that one. Keeps me thinking! You are absolutely correct too.

superd,

I know that your wife has had some therapy and is aware that she has ptsd. So this "might" be a plus.

What I can tell you is the person that has ptsd, doesn't know and is out of control with it.... The children suffer. They become the source of anger, resentment, and a target.

What I now know about ptsd, having had a child, and myself having no therapy, being out of control, and how it has effected my daughter, and grand children's lives........I would in NO WAY advise anyone to have a child under these conditions.....I have paid dearly, but my daughter, and grand children have suffered more......

I'm not sure in your wife's case if knowing, and in denial is any different, than not knowing.

Please, please, please......Focus on ways to help, and encourage your wife back into therapy, or find a way to get out, but don't think about having a child now. It's life, your life, and your wife's would be hell......

Wendy

also having children can sometimes seem to the woman that they are the "safe guard" that you will stay with them forever and use that as an excuse to back off from keeping up on therapy. Also there will be lots and lots of days where you both will be just to tired to deal with stuff.. like her going to therapy or work.. or whatever because she is to tired. and you are to tired to push her to go. It can become an accepted thing sort of to get out of doing stuff for her.. she doesn't feel like it.. she was up with the baby for hours and you will understand knowing she was up. Also it could become worse like days she gets depressed or whatever from all the stress and its up to you to do everything.. take care of the baby and the house and work.. or whatever. Having a baby is very stressfull as well as exciting for any person... add that on top of a stresfull life and things could become to much but by then it would be to late.. the baby is already there. and as awfull as it is to think about.. it is never a 100% thing that the baby will be healthy and happy. even if it is just something like collic.. omg my oldest had that and I can tell you it's awfull till they outgrow it... when the baby crys in pain all night long.. ever night.. for about 6 months.. you need to be sure you can deal with it.
On the other hand.. sometimes having a baby brings out things in a woman that whern't there before.. the mothering instinct is strong. And if this is her "and you really can't tell till after the hormone's kick in full swing" it could be the kick in the rear so to speek to make herself get better to be the best mother she can be.

Guys, those were awesome responses, I have alot to think about. Becvan, thank you very much for your no-nonsense approach...that's exactly what I was looking for. Some of your points I feel are dead on, others I don't know about yet. Again, though, I'm not threatening my wife with anything, all of this is for our children's sake. My wife has input too, maybe is she ever decides to post she will give hers. She really is an amazing woman, and she has done alot and deserves some serious credit. Of course, its hard to give kudos when you are upset...

Thanks again everyone, I'll be around.

Make sure you keep us update Superd.

Really hoping for the best for both of you.

bec

Hope everything is going well for you. I am uncertain how your wife sadly came into PTSD but loss of control or abuse normally are part of it if not all of it. So when terms are placed (even if for your/her own good) it will not come across that way. And terms are pretty pointless. I mean even you said it has to be her choice to do these things, but when does it become her choice no longer? If she thinks she can't have kids or may lose you? I don't see many chances for her to actually make choices right now. She is being told what she has to do.

I know what you want may be best for her, but she has to get there in her own way and time for any of it to do any good.

I saw in another post asking "whether you should have kids or not" Pretty simple answer, no. You don't feel secure, she doubtfuly does either. And you are having to ask for outside opinons. That one you pretty much know right out of the gate and from your heart and no one's opinon counts then. I was pointing out where I thought she was getting unneeded additional stress, not so much defending her having kids.

Y'all need some time to really explore your relationship with someone with PTSD as a factor first before even thinking about kids.

I cannot say 100% one way or another about parenting with it. All I can give you is my personal experience having 4 kids. I would have been dead without mine, they gave me strength to heal. I have a wonderful husband but it was our kids that kept us alive through the worst of it and we are reaping the rewards now. BTW we did not have the advantage of knowing I had PTSD before them. Would I do it now? Not likely. But I am more in gear of looking forward to grandkids one day soon as I know how time flies instead of adding to my brood!