Lately, I'm really beginning to dig this daily challenge of accepting, living and coping with my PTSD.

Why? Well, I've always Loved challenges.

When having suffered powerlessly, helplessly and feeling terribly hopeless, I can't say I much appreciated this business of living. Beyond all my many efforts, and even with having achieved much growth, I was still coming up lost, alone, bewildered and disillusioned.

Now, understanding what I have and why, and what to do with it and about it, lately feels like living in paradise. Believe me, I know this too shall pass, but nonetheless it in no way negates the hope I'm feeling.

With each struggle of effort and success at being allowed to reclaim my story, and permission to be who and what I am, I feel free'd. I feel hopeful.

With each ounce of my progress in self-esteem and confidence, I feel hopeful.

What hope there is for me in progressively facing and healing my trauma, as opposed to doubting myself, abandoning myself and mentally and emot. beating myself up, and progressively sicken'ning with untreated PTSD.

I use to daily beat myself to a pulp in many ways. And, then I'd grow angrier with people and society in general, always somehow blaming others for ripping me off.

What was indeed ripping me off and apart, was trying to go it alone. It too was, my lack of real knowledge of my condition.

The knowledge of what PTSD really is, and what I can do individually to come to terms with it and live and despite it, is to me one of the most precious gifts, I could ever wish to receive. For that I am increasingly grateful.

My PTSD symptoms are not new to me, I've survived them before and then with little to no hope. They were like living in hell on earth. I hated myself, and thought of myself as a leper. Then when I found 2.5 yrs. of therapy for PTSD (1993-96), I left each therapuetic session lost, dazed and confused and snapping out of this a few hrs. later and into tremendous emot. pain, which would last until my next hopeful session.

Somewhere in all of that I grew some and learned to adjust somewhat better within my own skin and society.

I began to get along so well with people and started liking and appreciating myself, that I began thouroughly enjoying my life, and was offered a leadership position out of state, and accepted, but then suddenly bammo', Evenings........I was hit again and again with flashbacks, insomnia, rageful anger, depression and feelings of utter helpless and hopelessness, and I was down.

Then, ............I just couldn't figure out what the missing pieces were. I had thought I had done my therapy, and so much more, healed much trauma, and was now ready to move past PTSD and alcoholism. What little I knew and understood.

Now an understanding of much lies within me, and it all, at the click of a mouse. And, the support which I've both received and given makes this all meaningful and un'freakin'believeable. I have hope, once again, and this means so very, very much to me!

Things Happening and I'm Looking Forward To Doing/Experiencing More of:
• All My Hard Work ahead of me.
• The Seeds of Compassion, for myself included, I'm occasionally allowed to feel just as I pass through my progress; For me my progress tends to look like insurmountable emot. and psych pain with PTSD symptoms galore.
• Getting Right Again in Relationship with God.
• My Entire Family Benefitting from my commitment to healing and progress.
• Continuing, "One Day, At A Time," as Honest, Sincere, and Open as I can be.
• Continuing Therapy with my Therapist weekly.
• Responsible Actions

Things That I'm Increasingly Again, doing more and more of and feeling good about:

• Learning from my mistakes in relationship with my husband.
• Joining my husb. and kids on day trips and bringing much of me to the event.
• I'm less and less afraid of my husband.
• I'm more and more interested in my health.
• I'm more and more thrilled with being a Mom.

...................and, whatever else it is I'm learning and applying is resulting in me getting to know and like myself more, accept reality as it is, and not as I'd like it to be, and simply I feel I'm allowed and able to live with far more self-esteem, self-confidence and the abilities to dream and hope again.

Hope

Oh. My. God.

Just summed up my experiences.

How did you do that?

Whooooooooooo!!!! I feel empowered by your post. You rock!!! :kickass:

I feel hopeful too!!! YAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Just what I needed before a therapy session tomorrow.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU :biggrin:

Hope,

There is life after PTSD....Isn't it grand???? So proud of what you have accomplished....

Be proud, wear that in daily life, and it will show through......Be kind to yourself, praise yourself for the work that you have done, and continue to do.....You have earned it.....

Congrats hon, a job well done.:claps:

Wen

Awakening: Surprise, surprise. Isn't it great how others can share and we sometimes can relate so well. It still pleasantly stuns me when this happens with me. Usually, my mouth drops open, I think to myself something along the lines of WTH'eck, .......is this for real? And, just for a moment I question whether or not I am dreaming.

Then, within a moment, I'm assured it's real and for me I understand it as God working through people.


(And, in many, many ways and forms and shapes; My God seems to work through others whom suffer PTSD and will still seek help and give it all they know how, as to not resign from life.

And, even people who live daily untreated PTSD, who attempt all sorts of efforts to help themselves in someway or another, but don't yet know enough to be checked for this diagnoses; I've met people personally in life like that that share, or that I observe, and that I can so understand.)


Anyhow, after I reassure myself that what I've read and/or heard is for real, And, I can relate.........It's like Wow! And, I pers. am energized, my mood has improved and I'm like dancing through much of the rest of that day, sometimes even longer, while reflecting and reminding myself:

• I am not alone!
• I am really no longer alone!
• Other's know!
• I'm not a freak!
• There is even more hope than I had dreamed!
• Others have hope, too!
• Hell' I can, and we can do this!
• I can get through, move past and grow from any and all of my unneccessary pain from my past!

Awakening, didn't mean to be long winded here and all, it's just that in attempting to thank you for your response to mine, you've awoken my hope and motivation even more deeply.

[suspecting that this hope I'm feeling is not going to go over well with some other folk. Throughout my life, I been made all to aware of countless patterns of faulty and/or negative thinking. I've even battled against others trying to impose their negative and hopeless way of thinking upon me, as if they knew what was best for me, or would suggest, that I was full of sh't, in thinking hopefully. There is always cynicism, contempt prior to investigation, petty jealousies, and on an on an on and on. And, for each one on that list is a contradictory positive way of looking at anything. -this here all just leads me into my trauma which I'll examine and discuss elsewhere]......Sorry about that!

THANK YOU so much too Awakening for even greater hope and motivation.

**

She-Cat: The beauty of me seeing once again that there is life beyond trauma and with PTSD, is that I once believed in this. Only, I duped myself into believing then that some miracle had occurred and never again would I have to experience my PTSD. I thought is was gone, as I didn't understand well, or know of the brain imbalance.

I do remember though that it was through my believing, (despite all odds against me) and my hard work and persistence that I went from the depths of my pers. hell and to working upon my pers. recovery and then a few yrs. later met my husb. and since, and through some struggles, we've built a good friendship, a continually developing loving marriage and our family and home, and I can safely and diligently continue healing and learning more improved ways of coping.

She Cat thank you so very much for this:

"Be proud, wear that in daily life, and it will show through......Be kind to yourself, praise yourself for the work that you have done, and continue to do.....You have earned it....." -She Cat

Hope

YOU GO GIRL!!!!! Don't ask "WHY?" Just ENJOY!!!!!!.....ENJOYING THE PEACE

Thank you Hope.

Zamboni

wildfirewildone, Hey you, Thank you ! What a really nice surprise and post you've left here. Much appreciated.

Zamboni, You're welcome, and glad to have you back with us, on the forum !

Hope

I'm feeling hope because I'm learning again, growing personally, healing and gaining strength, and trusting in myself and my life's experiences. .....I'm gaining more and more self-acceptance and once again really, really beginning to like, accept, see the good in Most All, and beginning again to trust and feel safe knowing other people more.

Hope

I'm feeling hope and hopeful that some of my dreams will come true. And, I'm feeling hopeful that my many efforts and hard pers. work, both here on the forum and within my life, will all result in new found personal freedoms;

The freedom to again choose my responses vs. be dictated by fearful reactions;

The freedom to reclaim my values, convictions and life experiences...And, to Accept, Live With and Grow From All of Them;

The freedom to just be me and have this be enough.

At this point in it all, I'm feeling hopeful, among other feelings, but hopeful none-the-less.

Right about now it feels like I could use some relief from my fear and grief;

However, truly I believe that tonight, I can handle these feelings, anxieties and pain, and still feel and believe hopefully.


Hope

I continue to feel hope because I know I can work through my stuff, unresolved hurts and trauma's and all in time. And, the beauty of it all is that I am seeing and receiving numerous positive results from my perserverence, hard work and efforts.

Earlier tonight I openly spoke up, among many others and asserted myself in such a positive way, and succeeded in articulating every experienced point which I needed to.

Hope