My husband is a Vietnam combat veteran with PTSD. He wakes up when I do; we have coffee and read in bed for a little while and then get up and have breakfast. After breakfast I start working (at home) and he goes back to bed. He wakes up at about 2:00 PM and has coffee and then works around the house, in the garden, or taking photos. He is a retired photographer so has no schedule he has to follow.

I told him today that this was a non-violent form of suicide. He is not participating in his life. He says he can't help it. He goes for therapy, he's on anti-depressants. I know he doesn't tell his therapist about sleeping all day.

My questions are:
1. Is this beyond his control?
2. His therapist has said I can come to a session anytime I want. Should I go and ask him about the sleeping?

Estelle

Hi Estelle,

Welcome to the forum.

I would say it is more a combination of possible depression, routine and laziness. I do understand that depending on age, the body does need more rest, but that is quite excessive really, and as you say, a non-violent form of suicide. Lets face facts, all the studies prove distinctively that remaining active promotes longer and healthier life. Begin sleeping your life away and spending little active time, and you are certainly placing one foot in the grave much earlier than one should possible be.

Is this beyond his control? No... he can control this. Active daily routine and exercise, regardless of age, a short walk first thing in the morning will get the body and brain active to continue the rest of the day. A short hour or two nap within the afternoon would be acceptable depending on age, though this should also be discuss with your health professional.

Should you go to a therapy session? Yes, especially if you have concerning questions, as chances are, regardless whether you ask him or not to discuss the matter with the therapist, he won't, as he would find that a direct issue with his own personal routine he is happy with, regardless whether it is in his best interest or not. A spouses input is often the best input with therapist, as then they can tell them to get active more, thus he may listen to his therapist.

I understand where you are coming from... My husband also wants to sleep all day and I work outside the home 2-3 days a week. I have talked to the Doctor and he tells my husband to get more exercise.. How can he get more exercise if he can't stay awake??

Exercise increases your bodies counts to sustain more energy, which means he will stay awake longer. It is a matter of putting your boot up his arse, and kicking him to exercise. Drag him out and both of you go for a walk is basically the only way you will get him started.

I have a husband who likes to stay in bed all day to. We bought a small business at the start of the year which didnt really work out for him he couldnt handle the pressure of customers not paying their bills on time. He seemed to take it personally!
Anyway I run the business 4 days a week and he goes in on just the one day a week. It is still a hassle getting him out of bed on that one day he just doesnt want to wake up. He wears a sleep apnea mask as well.The days I am at work he is in bed until after lunch then gets up watches TV then back to sleep in front of TV. No motivation at all. I think I am at the stage I dont care any more I have to keep our business going and I am happy to do it myself. I wonder if he will ever realise what he is doing with his life!
Jen

Jen... not likely any time soon. I guess as spouses, family or friends, we need a kick in the arse at times to get us moving, otherwise depression symptoms kick in, and we sleep all day, do nothing, and basically wonder aimlessly until we die.

A kick in the pants is needed. He needs to get interested in something that fascinates him. He needs to learn a new skill, or find a hobby...

Hi Anthony I think I am feeling a bit guilty that I just dont seem to be caring about him as I should. We have been married 25 years and he is not going to bring me down with him. I have had to take control of OUR life and to me keeping a roof over our head is pretty important. He doesnt seem to want to help himself it is wearing a bit thin no motivation wont keep counsellor appointments. I am pushing him to join the Healthy Heart program but all I can do is enrol him into it. He has to want to get out of bed to go I cant physically drag him there even though he makes me so cranky I think I would find the strength to carry him myself.

Jen I know EXACTLY what your talking about sounds just like my husband!!!!
he too has sleep apena wears a mask and ear plugs so he can sleep all day and all night sometimes usually it's all day and up most of the night... Anthony I know a kick in butt is due... it is soooo hard to even talk to these men when they are down... I just want to send him back to the hospital Like Jen I'd rather do it by myself than try and get his help for anything.Jen I think we are lucky to have found this forum:crazy-eye

I know kerrie-ann will find the words for this when she reads it again, but she put the kicking boots on with me and got me going again. When I retired, she was pregnant from memory, so it was still just her and me, thus I could be more lazy I guess, and get away with it, because I didn't have children to manage each day.

I know she got me motivated enough at those times when I was down, and here I am today. It isn't going to happen overnight, but it will happen.

From memory, as a spouse, you need to get tricky. You need to find things they are interested in, book them, and take them too it. Yes, this is baby sitting to a point, but it is your suggestive way of helping them help themselves. Once they are out and functioning, return and marvel at such the wonderful time they had, that is the appropriate time in which you would say something like, "well, if you didn't sleep all day, then you could do more off this" or words to that effect. So, you make them some more bookings to get them out, except now you start minimizing your effort and let them go do it on their own.

In other sneaky methods, if you don't know exactly what is interesting them this week, then you sneakily bring it up in discussion about any current interests, then you sneakily once again just make those things happen, then let them do all the work after they ravel in enjoyment. These little tactics from spouses can be a treat for both, as it gets them out of bed and active, is a little extra for spouses at the time, though then you both get your time together, time apart, and your spouse is now up and about, more active, and wanting to do more things, especially with you the partner.

I believe kerrie was very sneaky in her approaches with me, because she got me out of the exact same situation that your spouses are currently in, being depressed and sleeping our lives away. When you think all else has failed... get sneaky.

Estelle, fedup and Jen,

Boy do I hear your pain. Anthony used to do this before he was diagnosed and for a little while afterwards. I could have gladly strangled him somedays. Being a very active person, some would say too active, I could just never see the point - particularly in Townsville where the days were often too beautiful to waste. Like Anthony said, he calls it sneaky, I prefer to call it creative. Exercise, even just a small regular walk is really good for them and you!! Surprisingly it does create more energy and gets all of them 'feel good' hormones going.

Girls, I am sure you will appreciate the irony in my husband making statements about exercise. You see I am about to start maternity leave early and we (Anthony, Alexander and I) will be starting some regular, getting some fresh air and out of the house exercise. We were doing this on maternity leave last time and it is a fantastic way to get their lazy ass out of bed and encourage motivation. The other thing I can suggest is for your husbands to find something of interest that will help get them up and moving. Anything that requires them to get up, have a shower, get dressed and eat. I also found with Anthony that he ate much better while he was exercising regularly, which is a battle. Take for instance the other day when his entire meal intake was some peppermint chocolate. He is very good at giving advice but still requires the occasional butt kick to motivate him into looking after himself.

I would start with the exercise. Yep, it sure feels like you are babying them but you will be surprised at the difference it makes. It even got to the point where Anthony was nagging me to get up and go for a walk.