i will be OK. I keep telling myself that . I am positive self talking myself like crazy!

I want to feel "normal" I want to feel comfortable with a man again in a healthy way and stop thinking about this rape, assault and terrorism.

I want him to understand and he is trying, have not gone into details but enough to know why I react sometimes the way i do with the shaking, mistrust, insomnia, hypervigilence, catastrophizing things and the fact that i have to try and really work hard to make each day more tolerable. He also told me if he hears me being negative towards myself he would point it out, He is just such a caring, understanding person.
Deep down i still feel like maybe I am not good enough? There are so many other people out there with not this baggage, i just don't want to get hurt again. mentally, physically, sexually or other. Ihope I can do this. i want to but i still have that doubt hanging over my head.
I just want to feel happy, safe and secure and beleive that iam good enough. I told him i don't have expectations from him but i do intend to be happy and to be treated with respect and dignity and i just want him to be nice to me. No yelling, hitting, screaming, punching etc, etc. God only gives us what we can handle. I hope that works in my favour this time, I am worried that I am going to get hurt but i have no red flags so I will keep going and see where this takes us.
Thank you for taking the time to read my latest vent. i have been up for a long time now. i need to rest. maybe tomorrow i will feel more optimistic. i just have to. i am a good person and i know i deserve to be happy!
Thank you everyone here on this forum! The support i have gained here has helped me to put things into perspective. At least ithink i am trying my best i just have to continue the trauma therapy and it can only make me stronger!!!!

Pand,

I guess the only words of wisdom I can say are....Keep trying. Keep working on you. Keep working on getting rid of you demons......

You didn't asked to be raped, but were and are now left with the emotional baggage that comes with it. You can do this. It won't be easy, it won't be a quick fix, but just try everyday to move a little bit forward.

There are good people out there that are sensitive to us...he may be just one of those people....I hope so.

Wen

everyone has baggage!! don't tell yourself you are more trouble to him then your worth! Every person has something or even someone that causes them trouble through out life that others have to deal with when they become involved! And you know at one point in my life I made the decision not to give up looking for love even though it seemed hopeless.. because.. even if it doesn't work out... I would much rather have experianced love and not have it work out in the end.. then NEVER having experianced it at all !!! It might not work out with this guy.. but no matter what its still a good step in the right direction! enjoy the time you have.. put no expectations on it.. and let yourself have the good times! I know its easier said then done! LOL but look at this forum.. there REALLY are lots and lots of people out there in this big wide world that DO understand and think you are a wonderfull person! So keep your hopes up and look at all the good things about yourself and about this guy.. rather then seeing all the bad stuff!

Pandora, you'll survive. Trust me. NO- don't trust me- trust yourself. Have faith in yourself. Believe in yourself. You'll survive.

Pand, I'd like to point out to you that you should never feel like you aren't deserving of love, affection, understanding, and happiness.

We are all broken, we are all in need of these very base things. You deserve it, you can have it, the decision is yours.

I'm speaking from the other side of the coin. I was recently put on hold by a wonderful person living with PTSD. She has experienced nothing but bad relationships with bad men. I like to think of myself as a "good guy". I treat her with respect. I make myself available to her when she needs it. I pamper her and give her lots of self-esteem boosts.

She doesn't think she deserves me. She doesn't think it is fair for me to have to deal with the problems she is facing and has since retreated completely.

From the other side I tell you not to push him away if he is truly as supportive as you say. He can decide for himself whether he wants to stick around, and whether it is fair to him. Let him make that choice and realize how much you deserve happiness as much as anyone else does.

I'm glad that you are finding an island of happiness...I hope it can grow into a continent that you can walk forever upon.

And keep telling yourself that as it is the truth! This one thought you have will do you worlds of good. Good way to think :)

thank You for everyones positive comments. We are seeing each other again on friday. A movie night. I am very excited again but I know he is curious about a few things. We have not had the chance for me to tell him things....in another thread i wrote about that too. How much is too much? How much is too little?

I never thought i would be in this situation but he makes me laugh and smile. He has a great sense of humour and he calls me beautiful ( almost makes me cry when he says it.....almost, really....NOW THEN I would surely look like a freak then. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH All so ridiculous! He opens my doors!!! Pulls my chair out!!! Helps me walk if the road is bumpy because of my back i tend to lose balace quickly!!!! Just really nice, gentle, kind eyes, a great father to his kids, the best dimples. Anyway..I just don't want to mess this up.........i know before when I started to get close, I shut off! I didn't realize that was what I was doing at the time but with therapy i have realized that! I don't know how to let anyone in.thats the problem. I get too close and just feel like .............I am not sure what I am feeling.I guess it is just not worthy or not good enough but now I know I am. That will be the difference in this relationship, I will try to let him in and i will beleive that i should be treated with respect and dignity, compassion, empathy and understanding because i am a good person and i deserve it.
I just hope he stays the same way he has been.i know everyone has good and bad days but just stay kind and gentle!

It's alwase very hard to let someone else into "YOUR" world so to speek. Take baby steps and do whatever you need so that it doesn't feel like he's invading your space. If you think he is curious about stuff and you think he is going to ask about things.. have you thought about what you will say? Maybe planing ahead your answers or just how much you are comfortable telling before he askes will help with the stress for you. I do think its normal for people to be curious about the person they are interested in.. sort of the saying.. I want to know ALL about you!! but if your worried about pushing him away kind of thing then pick and choose what you want to say.. and if its to personal just say you arn't comfortable talking about it right now and I'm sure he will understand. and only time will tell if he stays the same!! so have fun and enjoy that time it takes to see him for who he is!! Can't wait to hear how Friday goes!! Hope it goes well and you have another great night!!