On-Off Relationship With Iraq Veteran Suffering From PTSD - Page 2

Umus · #11 31-08-2007, 08:03 PM

Thank you Kathy and Jim!
I have started a therapy about 3 months ago to better deal with what has happened to me over the last 7 years. And I found out I do have some issues to work on myself also, which I know will be good for me to finally talk about. Have also talked to my therapist about war-related PTSD symptoms to better understand what is going on with him, but she told me she has no experience with that as she never worked with someone with such specific problems and she would not want to make assumptions about someone she does not know. Fair enough. I would have some very specific questions about war-related PTSD. Would this be the right place to adress them or should I move to the private forum? Thank you for your advice!

veiled · #12 31-08-2007, 09:01 PM

I notice you keep saying war related PTSD. While our nighmares, flashbacks, and the sort vary due to what ever traumatized us PTSD symptoms are just that. We all get them. If you want specific information about symptoms I would not suggest going private, I would suggest going to those who know it best. Try posting your questions of this nature in PTSD Chat. How to handle and care for yourself the carer section is no doubt the way to go. But us with it know PTSD better than anyone.

Kathy · #13 01-09-2007, 01:03 AM

Veiled is correct Umus, in that if you have specific questions about PTSD it is best to ask the sufferers in the Chat PTSD section. Also read the Information sections if you haven't done so already. There is a wealth of information to be had on PTSD in general, which can only be helpful for you.

For military information or Combat PTSD specifically, I would suggest you view the 2 presentations Anthony has created in the Learning Centre, under "Military Programming and Deprogramming". It explains how the military trains individuals, and may be useful for you in understanding certain issues. There are other presentations which may be useful to you as well. Here is a link to the Learning Centre:

http://www.ptsdforum.org/misc.php?do...plate=learning

Umus · #14 01-09-2007, 01:10 AM

Thanks for the advise veiled and kathy. I opened a new thread, but I think on chat general and not chat PTSD. Will that be moved to the right section? Not visible yet. Sorry about this.

Kathy · #15 01-09-2007, 01:33 AM

No worries Umus. One of the administrative editors (veiled, becvan or anthony) will approve the new thread, and also move it to Chat PTSD if they feel a move is warranted. I personally only have editing capabilities in the Carer sections, so I cannot approve or move your post, though I am online at the moment.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Umus

Would this be the right place to adress them or should I move to the private forum?

Oh and I neglected to mention, that does not mean you are not welcome in our Private group Umus; I will add you if you apply, and once you meet the requirements. The Private group is a good place to post if you wish to discuss certain matters you do not want your PTSD sufferer (or others with PTSD) seeing.

Umus · #16 01-09-2007, 09:30 PM

Thank you, at the moment I am reading, reading, reading and learning a lot. At the moment all quiet on his side, after I confronted him with a few things that upset me and make me feel miserable. But that is normal, he can never deal with someone elses problems. Thats why all your inputs help ME for once! Still not sure if it was a good idea to blame him when he is in the middle of treatment, but I just could not help it! There is the guilt-thing again...

Kathy · #17 02-09-2007, 03:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Umus

Still not sure if it was a good idea to blame him

Are you blaming him Umus, or confronting him? Big difference. Confronting is necessary, especially if he has been behaving badly. You must establish boundaries and ground rules, tell him what you will and will not tolerate, and so on. Blaming however, only makes matters worse and will escalate the situation. So for example, blaming would be:

"You make me feel sad (blaming him for how you feel) and cry when you do such-and-such. Why do you do this when I love you so much and have done so much for you? (trying to make him feel guilty)"

Whereas confronting would sound something like:

"I feel sad (telling him how you feel) when you do such-and-such. I will no longer tolerate such-and-such behaviour from you. If you persist, this will be this consequence (clearly defining the consequences of his behaviour)".

See the difference? What you want to do is confront, not blame. If you are confronting him, there is nothing to feel guilty about. If you are blaming, you need to change your wording and strategy.

Umus · #18 02-09-2007, 04:56 AM

Right your are.English is not my native language and sometimes it gets difficult to find the right words when it gets very emtional. But I will be more careful! Thanks! But when I think of my behaviour it IS more blaming than confronting, will work on it!

Arashi · #19 02-09-2007, 01:12 PM

Umus it sounds like you have a lot of warranted anger in regards to what he has done to you. It is bleeding into your reactions and responses to him.

You have every right to be angry, however that isn't the right place to be coming from when dealing with him. It sounds like he would overreact to that sort of energy.

So my suggestion to you is to only have those sorts of discussions with him when you know he is in a good place emotionally to hear it, and you are in a good place to detach yourself enough to keep things rational.

That may mean the timetable shifts from what you want, but if you want your best chance at a firm result (either positive or negative) then that seems to me what you must do.

I'm learning that a PTSD sufferer can be very quick to react if not in a comfortable place...you not being in one either only compounds the problem.

I understand a lot of what you are going through, stay strong for you.

Umus · #20 17-11-2007, 02:56 AM

Have not been writing for quite some time, but have read as much as I could and learned a lot actually. I am still seperated from my partner, but we are in contact (phone, email), he is in intense therapy and not doing very well... I have over the past months learned that this is not about me, but about him and that he needs all the support he can get. I have also learned from him what has happened during the time he was in Iraq and I can only try to imagine what he has gone through and is going through at the moment. My problem at the moment is, that I do not really know how to support him, we talk and I listen but it is very hard for me to know if I should give advise. Sometimes he asks for it, soemtimes he simply tells me that I will never understand what he is going through. Does anyone have any advise on this? Thank you!