I hope this is the right place....

this is what I have been able to figure and find out over the last 15 years

Standing with My back to the wall this is what I see. I am in a room 4 feet wide by 6 foot long, there is a small hole in the floor in the middle of the room, I think I am to use the bathroom in this hole. The floor is concrete. The walls are cinder blocks unpainted. The door across from Me has no knob on the inside, but is painted and ugly pale green. I moved along the left wall, laying down with My head to the door, facing the wall, I am wearing just a white pair of boxers.

Two Men take Me left out of My room/cell down a hall way. lights are spaced evenly We turn right. There is a chair. I sit in the chair, to My right is a simple wooden table.

stops for now and will edit when time permits)

The Hallway

Two Men I dont see their faces, I never see their faces, take Me left out of My room/cell, We turn left and walk down a hall way. The lights are spaced evenly. The walls are two tones of green, a very pale green on top and a darker green on the bottom We turn right. The hall way reminds Me of a self storage, doors with knobs, they all look the same.

The Chair

My escorts and I turn right. before Us is a small simple table, a Man stands behind the table on the other side looking down, on the table looks like it's a map, some types of docments, passports maybe? I cant tell.

I face to My left and am made to sit in a chair. I cant tell if My hands are tied behind My back, or even if My legs are. On the ground before Me is a black metal box, on the front of the box, in the middle, is a dial, just above that is a gage. Two black cords come from somewhere behind the box. I get the feeling and the sence they are attached. I can see the ends of the cords, metal wires are exposed. On the ground to the left of the metal box is a bucket, I cant see whats in there. To the right of the metal box, an open door,to another room, no lights are on in that room, the room is pitch black except for the light that enters from the area that we are in.

At this point, My day dream/nightmare ends.
I havent figured out how I got captured, or even how I got out. But for some reason My mind is stuck in those places. The Room, The Hallway and The Chair.

Servering in the Marines...

I know what it's like to stab a Man...
I know what it's like to feel His blood run down My hand...
Time seems to stand still.
I can see every pore on His face.
I can almost count every eyelash.
I can smell His breath.
I can see the light in His eyes go out as He dies.

They train Us to kill, but they dont train Us about the dreams or night mares that We will have for years to come afterwords.

His face haunts My dreams.

Mayhem, Yes, this is one of a couple available right places to write about your trauma, thoughts, feelings ect. All and everything you feel comfortable getting out, sharing and reviewing.

This is the trauma public, (where everyone can read) and then there is the trauma memb. where only regist. memb. of the forum can read, and later when or if you become interested there is also a PTSD group diary section/forum. And, there only memb.'s of the PTSD group can read and/or comment.

Though, I have yet to welcome you to the forum. Here's my Welcome Aboard.

I did read from your intro. post and though just 3 days ago, you didn't know what to say or where to say it, you've found the diary section and you're already off to a great start. Keep it all up if you wish, you're doing great.

Again, just wanted to say, Welcome !

Hope

I dont know how to make My Diary private, or even if I want to make it private. By making it public I hope and pray that when someone reads this they understand not only what I went though but they understand what others that are currently serving are going though or will go though.


I have kept inside this long enough, I have held My emotions in check for way to long. I have been hurting those close to Me, by lashing at at them, without understanding why. I cant get those thoughts out of My head, all I hope to do is learn how to better cope with My emotions.

Recently I have been talking to My spouse and Our room mate about what is going on.

The more I think about what I went though, the more My emotions come to the surface, mostly sorrow and regret.

I told My room mate, about My time in the service and My time during Desert Storm, now she has a better understanding of why I am the way I am. I cried as I told her. I said that "you probably think that I am crazy." she chuckled and said, "I already knew you were, but now I know why." When she said that, I wasnt mad at her. I cant and wont be mad at someone for "understanding"

We were out on patrol, making sure that the area was secure.

We came upon a truck, the driver was sitting up looking straight ahead. With Our weapons drawn We approached, We called to Him to exit the vechical when He didnt respond, I was picked to go over to Him. I climbed up on the step to get the drivers attention as He wasnt moving. Once I was standing on the step, I noticed that He looked fake, His flesh looked like a wax figure that you see in a museum. Further checking the driver over, I found that the back of His head was blown away, and maggots were wiggling around in His brain. Fragments of His brain, and skull were on the wall of the cab behind Him.

The thing that sticks out most to Me is the way that He looked, He looked fake.

Hello Mayhem,

You are doing a great job writing out the trauma you experienced. I have an acquaintence of mine whom I went to college with who has been deployed in the current war two times. I remember him before the war, a young sturdy built Kansas man. He had a sparkle of pride in his eyes and a desire to serve his nation. When he came back the first time the fire in his eyes was gone and he spoke of the war as hell on earth where you are either bored to death and smothering, or scared for your life or the life of others. He told many stories that quickly revealed why the sparkle had gone from his eyes. I just want to say, all Marines are American Heros!!!!!!!!! My son plays with GI Joes, and when he does I always take the opportunity to tell him about the men in our US Armed Forces. I am sorry that you have had to experience and endure such horrible trauma. My step dad is a Vietnam Vet. He talks to me alot about his experiences. Though my situation is different I do know what its like to fear for my life and I do empathize with you. Keep up the good work and take care. Marilyn S.

Marilyn S.
*smiles* thank you so much for your kind and caring words.