I've had a LOT of shit happen in the last few months:

• a friend I'd had for years stopped talking to me because I got cancer
• the only friend I made in hospital died of cancer
• I moved in with my family, over 5600 km (3500 miles) from where I was living previously
• Brian died as the result of his PTSD
• I felt very badly hurt here on the forum re: Brian's death and could not seem to get over it
• my cancer returned and I have had to resume both chemo and radiation and now need surgery as well
• I found out a family secret which caused me to have a temporary psychosis

Wow, that is a lot to deal with, even for someone without PTSD. I can't say I've behaved the best through all of it, but I can say that I did try my best, and I do feel proud of myself for never having given up. The family secret, which I am not ready to divulge publicly yet, was actually a blessing in disguise. It was not a bad secret, in fact it's a very good thing and I feel real happiness about it. I'm not sure if it's the reason for how I feel now, but in spite of all the shit I am feeling much more positive in the past week, and much more able to concentrate on the positives.

I've been so angry on the forum in the last few months, mostly because of Brian. But this morning it occured to me just how many friends I have on here, and just how many people offered words of support to me and my family after his death. We truly were blessed to have all of you send your wishes and prayers. Many of you have issues with death and sent wishes anyhow, that was very generous. And some find cancer a trigger, and yet none of you who do have avoided me when my cancer returned. Really you are all amazing people, I am so lucky to know all of you.

I was trying to count just the people who have communicated with me off the forum through email, the phone and so on, and I realized there are over 20 people!! Plus many more of you don't have my contact details yet are very supportive. Wow. I don't think I've been the best friend to all of you lately, but thanks for sticking by me through everything. I am guilty of taking you all for granted, sorry for that!

Anyways I am all over the place with this post... what I am trying to say though is, yes I've had tons of shit lately, but I now feel able to concentrate on all the great things too:

• the 20+ friends I have on here, who were there through Brian's death, the cancer and so on, and all the support you've offered to me off the forum as well
• the PRESENTS some of you have sent me in the mail. OMG thank you!!
• my family, who are always there for me... I now have the ability to talk with them so much more openly than before, and it's really helping. I feel closer to them than I ever have.
• my driving!! I am just about ready to take my driver's test!
• and most importantly, having the courage to come back here in spite of my hurt and anger, and learning to control myself and let go of my hurt

Thanks to all who've stuck by me and continued to be my friends through all this. Things are obviously no where near perfect yet, nor will they ever be, but I feel I can move on a bit now. Things are finally settling down. Thanks again everyone, I really don't deserve all this support but I am so grateful and I hope you all know that.

Your very welcome. I feel very humbled by this post.

However; you do deserve the support. LOL kinda ended with a negative there! Maybe rewrite it?

bec

OMG you're right, I didn't even realize I ended it on a down note. God... I need to do a lot more work obviously. Anyways YES I do deserve the support. It's hard to type that but it's true. Thanks for pointing that out. :)

Evie,

I just want you to know how very proud I am of you for coming here and posting what you did.... That took tons of courage girl. I hope that you realize that.....

We all have anger Evie. We all deal with it, don't deal with it, or don't deal well with it....Whatever works for us...The one thing I do know is that NOT one person here can say shit about anyone having anger issues unless they are complete idiots.......WE ALL have anger. We are entitled to have it....We just can't hold on to it......

Again....I am so proud of you.......

YES you do deserve the support............You are truly an amazing person that has face more shit in your short life than most of us here have even thought of in ours.........

Keep up the tremendous work that you are doing.:kickass: and you will get control of your PTSD!!!!!!!

Wen

Well done Evie!
You have really worked hard to get to where you are today & as one of your many friends, I would like to say that you go girlfriend!

Just remember the glass is always half full, not empty! And if you feel that anger creeping up, just put in it a bubble & blow it all away. I'm happy to send you a bubble blower if needed & just think how much fun it would be to watch the cats chasing the bubbles around! I know your smiling as you are reading this

Firstly, well done on your post Evie.... I like your thought improvements for thinking style.

No Evie, you don't need to do a lot more work, you just need to constantly continue forward and learn as you go. There is no real quantity as such, more just time and the condition you must continually work upon yourself to improve. You found a negative, learn and then next time you may / may not make the same mistake; though its only a mistake if you decide it is one for you. If its not a mistake in your mind, then it is correct.

Your choice... a wonderful thing that. IMHO, I agree with bec though... it is a negative you ended with... but that is my opinion only. I also agree with Bec in that you do deserve the support, just as every other person here deserves.

From the short time I have had the pleasure of knowing you Evie, I have sat back in awe watching you face the challenges put before you. While, as you say, your best behaviour may have been lacking at times but you still rose to every occasion and have been steadily moving forward!

Focus on the positives and they will become the overriding occurrences in you mind.....you are what you think....

You have my support :)

Evie,

Agreeing with everyone, you DO deserve the support. I'm glad you changed your ending. It's so hard putting ourselves first instead of others.

You're really a tough cookie, girl. Keep going, keep pushing. I know you'll get there.

Hugs
Lisa

I was feeling a bit again today like I am a bad person and that I don't deserve all the support I have... back to thinking I am a burden on my family. I slip into that thinking often. However, I came back in here, re-read what you have all said, re-read my positives list, and I feel a bit better again. Thank you all so much for your word supportive words, it helped me today, definitely!

Evie,

I have a question......If the shoe were on the other foot so to speak.....and it was Jim, Kathy, or another family member in your shoes...Would you consider them a burden????? Would you consider them BAD for everything that they had gone through and the way that they reacted????

Let up on yourself.....Be supportive to yourself for a change....Get back to the positive side of things, and yourself....

Love ya,

Wen