Between the ages of 8 and 11 I was physically abused by my father. Between the ages of 8 through 16 I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother with the emotional abuse continuing into my late 30's. My mother has an extreme control issue.

When I was 14 yrs old I was raped by a classmate. Then he would mouth the words I want to f*** you across the classroom with me, try to follow me etc. until I dropped out of school.

By 16 I started going out with my first b/f who was 23. He was a big strong scary looking man who was over protective which I didn't mind in the least bit. When my mother physically attacked me and through me out of the house my b/f took me in. It was wonderful at first. 6 month later he became jealous and controlling.

I wasn't able to free myself of the situation until I was 20 yrs old and it took me over a year of planning to actually escape. In the height of the abuse I was kept in a small room with no windows in the basement. I was kept in complete isolation for weeks or months at a time.

By 20 I was free and freedom felt so damn good. I got myself educated and a great paying job. Within months I met up with a co worker and oops I was pregnant. Neither of us really wanted much to do with each other so I decided to have the baby on my own.

I return from mat. leave 2 months early and was raped about 4 months later by a complete stranger. The child's father and I then started to attempt to have a relationship things turned out badly within a couple months to the point I realized that we would not be able to work together. He started to harass me (which continued to stalking over a 5 yr period.) So I decided to work nights and go to university by day.

Finally after keeping up that pace for about 8 months I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Then I get hit by a drunk driver. I suffered severe back and knee injuries that took me out of work and school for 2 1/2 yrs.

By 26 yrs old I get a small settlement from the car accident and decided to go into business for myself and buy a house for myself and my child. The business goes great for 6 yrs and then finally starts having difficulties. I end up closing the business after 7 yrs and get a job.

Now in my 30's the new job goes great and I temporarily take on a supervisor position for 9 months. When the permanent position comes available my manager then makes sexual advances, so I quit and find a new job.

With the new job the current b/f becomes extremely abusive because his life takes a downturn and mine is on a up curve. He becomes financially and time controlling. Finally I break up with the b/f and he becomes obsessed. He then attacks me, holds me hostage for 10 -12 hrs, repeatedly raped and strangled.

I survive and go into counseling where I am diagnosed with ptsd. Then I witness a dog being shot and witnessing an assault of a woman in both cases calling 911. 9 months of therapy later my therapist suffers severe burnout. My father dies and a week later my therapist gets called out to diffuse a situation where I had a flashback and my family phones the police. He instead is too consumed by his own fear and hospitalizes me.

Police come and handcuffs's me which sets off triggers. I get dragged to a hospital (which I have always had an intense fear of) and I start to dissociate. I get locked in a small confined area, which triggers me more and armed guard watching which sets off more triggers.

A psychiatrist sees me and relies on the info the burned out therapist provides. She comes into talk to me (more triggers because she's like my mom) and i get agitated. I have been deprived of both sleep and freedom for approx. 12 hrs at this point. My condition has only worsened so the shrink signs me in. They don't take into account that I have never been violent, never been actively suicidal, that I have made all my appt. on time and that I am able to pay my bill or take care of the basic needs of myself or my teenaged child.

I then am escorted up to the psych ward and placed in a room. I wait patiently for someone to talk to me but an hour later and no one. I start wandering the halls and a nurse starts following me, more triggers, I go into a dissociated state and start pulling fire alarms calling out for help.

I get tackled by 3 security guards dragged into isolation, chemically restrained, physically restrained, stripped of clothes and dressed in hospital gown and left in isolation for 7 days. I finally see a lawyer after the 5 day in isolation and I am released from the hospital in 11 days.

I get out of the hospital for 2 weeks and then I completely freak the hell out at what happened in the hospital and I get hospitalized again for 21 days. I come out of the hospital with anti psychotics which totally wreak havoc on my body and causes me strong suicidal thoughts. I tell my doctors but they say no it is helping me.

My grandpa then dies. My condition continues to deteriorate for the next 2 -3 months and I continue to fight to get of the med's but I am threatened with the hospital if I don't comply. Upon the therapist witnessing in a seizure in his office I finally switch psychiatrists and am taken off anti psychotics.

Finally the new psychiatrist realizes the trauma that was actually caused by the hospitalization. Then I finally leave the burned out therapist and file a complaint.

I have been removed from all medications in the past 4 month and I feel much better. I am also seeing a new psychologist who specializes in ptsd. I am still not able to return to work and my central nervous system crashes for months at a time. I have more or less beaten the agoraphobia.

I have not conquered my fear of doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists or the hospital yet and I really don't plan to either.

I have so many triggers that I get trigger probably 20 times a day. I also experience about 5- 7 flashbacks a day and wake up 2-3 times a night with nightmares. I go for days without being able to stomach food or able to sleep at all. Some of my flashbacks are experienced in a 2 week to 3 week episodes where I dissociate. Knock knock nobody home. She's out to lunch. I have memory loss during those times.

I have been able to direct my anger legally but am worried what I will do if I don't get the results that I am looking for. And I know it's highly unlikely that I will.

I am also so disconnected from myself that I still a year later feel like i'm in that isolation room of the hospital. Something changed. I can't explain what but I will never been the same again. Almost 37 yrs old and almost 2 yrs of therapy under my belt and I am worse off then when I started but doing better in the last 4 months.

LOL, I just asked you in another thread if you had looked in here. Now I found your thread.

So firstly welcome to the Trauma Diaries.

That is a great start. A lot of trauma to work through there. I would suggest you read through the list of emotions: List of Emotions and Emotional Responses

and try to start applying or finding what you feel. Other than anger! (it's tough to do!)

Um, also none of us know why we suddenly snap and get much worse. It just does. Something triggers us and we go from severe PTSD where we can somewhat function to PTSD is our life. The way I see it is that it forces us to change ourselves and our lives, for the better. We have to start healing and learning, although it's not convenient. Also, as many of us can testify to it.. healing means getting much much worse for awhile and then slowly getting better. This is no easy road you are on.

Hope I'm not scaring you off!

bec

That is OK bec, I basically made the same mistake... Sorry cracker, I do not frequent the diaries often.

I don't remember much about my childhood.
Things that I remember:
a. at about age 4 or 5 my sister, who's 6 yrs older, tries to drown me in a pool
b. several beatings by both mother and father
c. physical abuse by mother against father
d. mother accusing father of spending too much time with me
e. being harassed by boys in grade 5 because I developed quickly
f. sleep walking and waking up in the family car
g. bicycle accident with severe head trauma at 9 yrs.

I was a virgin back then. I guess I was considered pretty but never considered myself that way. The boy that raped me was named Jason. He was a good looking jock at my high school. He was very arrogant to say the least.

Anyways I was over at my best friend Dave's house with jason, kristy and myself. Dave went to drive kristy home and that's when I was attacked by jason. Within moments Jason overpowered me with his wrestling moves. He first sat on my chest pinning my shoulders and tried forcing himself into my mouth. When that didn't work as easily planned he flipped me on to my stomach and forced himself inside. After he was done I fled from my friend's house and went home absolutely ashamed and embarrassed. I bled for days afterwards.

I basically denied that it happened but within a few months Jason realized that he could torment me in class. He would sit and stare at me for hours and he would mouth the words "I want to f*ck you" across the room. I attempted to change classes several times but he would just change too. Finally I just dropped out of school for about 6 months because the fear got to me.

There was so much abuse.

First he started beating the dog but I would stand in the way.
Then I use to get beatings: punched, hit, belted, shoved, kicked, slapped.
He broken his hand beating me one day.
He wouldn't allow me to have friends or speak to family members.
He knocked a fridge over when I ducked one of his punches.
I wasn't allowed out unless it was with him with the exception of work where I was picked up and dropped off at.
He would call me a wench and I would have to serve him and his friends.
I was only allowed to dress in the clothes that he choose. If he wanted me in a bra and panties serving his friends that's the way it was.
I was kept in a dark basement room for days. That's when things got really bad. Sometimes I was tied to the bed for hours where I was raped repeatedly, beaten repeatedly, burnt with cigarettes, guns held to my head, knives held to my throat. Some days I wasn't given food or water. And I was only allowed to use the bathroom when he allowed it.
I tried to escape twice without planning. Both times running out the front door through the park to the busy street but I never got to the street. He would grab my by my hair and dragged me back to the house while I kicked and screamed.
Anyways I finally took a year to plan my escape from this man. It took me along time to save enough money and then find the right opportunity to leave but I did. He did find me even though I had moved cities and he raped me two more times but the police finally caught him and I was able to move on with my life.

I had broken it off with my b.f. about 4 months earlier due to the jealous because of my new job. One day we met up by accident and he invited me over to chat. I went willing because I still felt that there was emotional business to take care of.

When we got to his place things changed fairly quickly it was like everything stopped and became surreal. It was the look in his eyes. Anyways he over powered me shortly after we went to his place. He dragged me to the bedroom and force ably raped me. After he was done (1 hr later) I went into shock. He dragged me out to the living room to watch over me as I went ice cold and shook for a couple hours. He never once left me alone and when ever I tried to get up he would block me. I tried several times to get my cell phone but was only smacked and yelled at for each attempt. After he was well feed and well rested he dragged me back to the bedroom, this time I went kicking and screaming the whole way. I was then handcuffed to the bed where he raped me more and more brutally. He would leave bite marks all over my body and used objects to rape me. I was bruised internally, I also had deep bruising on my butt, thighs, wrists, kidneys and back. Finally about 6- 8 more hours later when he was tiring of raping me he held his hands to my throat and strangled me. I was not able to defend myself because I was handcuffed to the bed and his body weight of 250 was pressing down hard on my chest. It was a horrible feeling trying to suck air and getting nothing. Your nasal passages actually contract together. Anyways, I remember waking up with him doing mouth to mouth on me. I coughed for about a half hour later. Finally when I attempted to leave he said remember, if you breath a word of any of this I will not only come after you but your daughter too.

Hope its OK that I post in your diary, if not, just let me know, OK? Cause I will understand. I would first like to say that I am so sorry you went through such horrible traumas. I know that doesn't make things better but I want you to know you are a strong person to have survived such horrible treatment. No human being deserves to be treated that way. Good Lord! Not even an animal deserves that! I had a very vary abusive X husband so in many ways I can empathize with your trauma, although everyone responds in different ways. The fact that you were able to continue on with your life after these relationships is testimony to your strength as a person. All I can say is, keep writing, keep feeling, and take the best care of yourself as you can. If you ever just need someone to vent to, PM me. I'm no problem solver or miracle worker or anything but I can listen and be there for ya when ya need to vent. Regards, Marilyn S.

I almost forgot to say, I think the way you have your diary layed out like a time line is great. I'm going to try to do the same thing with mine.