I originally posted this under the Evie's Cancer thread, however I decided to make a new thread and hopefully receive some feedback on how to help Evie through another rough period. I realize there are threads in the PTSD section about the forum being triggering, however I believe in Evie's case, this goes way beyond "normal" triggering, though I could be wrong. She becomes very upset on the forum, often without warning, and it is detrimental to her physical health. It doesn't seem to make any difference how much of a break she takes. Days, weeks... it still happens.

Evie had a dreadful night. She came on the forum briefly, read something which triggered her badly and spent most of the night crying for Brian and having nightmares. Jim tried to keep her calm. It is heartbreaking to see her like this, when she had been doing so well. Not to mention she physically needs to be as strong as possible for the treatments and surgery! I spoke with Jim early this morning and he says she seems better, though exhausted.

Sad as it is, Evie does seem to improve greatly whilst off the forum, and inevitably becomes triggered and upset again once she's back on it, even for a short while. Jim and I rarely force her to do anything, as we want her to feel in control of her own life. However, as much as the forum has helped her in the past, lately it seems to be doing her more harm than good. I understand that triggering and feeling badly is part of therapy and healing, but as far as the forum goes, Evie seems a bit stuck. I honestly don't know what the answer is. She is working very hard upon herself, and upsets are part of the healing process, however if avoiding the forum helps to keep her more calm then perhaps she should truly avoid it, long term? :dont-know

In any event, I feel we must devise some action plan for this problem, however it must wait until after she has had the surgery and recovered. If anyone has any ideas in the meantime though, I would be most pleased to hear them.

Kathy,

For me...When I would get triggered, or still do get triggered....It's all about remembering that my trauma is over. That was then, this is now. I am ok, it isn't happening. I'm safe. My therapist taught me, that it's the way that we let ourselves react to them that will determine the severity and length of the trigger. Thus, I had to learn to not react to the trigger. Don would force me to be triggered, then walk me through calming myself down, by staying grounded in the here and now.

It was really hard to do, and I hated it. But I am so grateful that I learned how. I get over them faster. Some don't even bother me anymore. The ones that still do, I use the tools that he taught me, to stay in the here and now....

Just a thought......


I hope that evie is better...

Wen

Hello Kathy, maybe it would be a good idea to stay off it for a bit? It sounds like Evie is totally open to everything at the moment. Personally I stay off the forum when things are bad for me. I have enough on my plate and i dont usually find it helps when I feel like that. Its why I've been a bit quiet lately. I dont want to use my energy on the forum when I need to look after myself in those times. The forum does make me angry too although not to the same level as Evie so I just turn it off. Not all of that is PTSD, some of the anger is perfectly normal! Evie is working on loads of stuff outside of this forum so its not as if she needs to push herself anymore. Maybe a break would be good. She can still keep in touch with those she wishes too by email.

also some stuff like Brian is still very fresh.. I think sometimes especially with a death its hard sometimes to hear other people's sympathy as it tends to bring the sadness bubbling up so to speek. And with so much else on her mind as well right now it must be emotionally overwelming. everyone needs friends though so it must be hard for her sometimes to want to check in to see how people are doing on here that she cares about. Hope it gets better for her!

I really don't know what is the best way to go on this question. It hurts to heal but where do you draw a line?

Just ask her if she needs support from those people that she feels comfortable with on the forum & can talk to them off the forum then maybe that is a better way to go at the moment. She may also think that if she isn't on the forum her friends will not be there to support her, sort of out of sight out of mind. I don't know, I'm just guessing.

I think you are right that maybe she just needs a break from here at the moment.

From the work I am doing with Evie offline, honestly it has little to do with the forum. It has to do with Brians death. Evie is masking it behind other issues, she reads something on the forum, a masking issue as such, then rages with that issue, then calms and says something as simple as, "I miss Brian" at the end. From my knowledge of all these events to date since Brians death, this has been the same pattern with the same ending.

I believe it would be quite a hard topic to discuss at home, hell I know it was when my brother died. Mum wouldn't allow us to speak about it in front of her, we had to talk away from her. We could praise him, but not say anything bad about some of his actions or life. That was mum's way of dealing with it. Even to this day, 18 years on, we still not dare say anything bad about some of the things he had done in her company, otherwise all hell can and usually will break loose.

I guess for the most of us we talked about it, mum didn't. I believe my suffering was that it took me 17 years to cry again, since his death. I guess we all deal with things in different ways is my point, Evie's is this way to express some of her pain towards Brians death. Now knowing what she knows about her family tree, she no longer just lost a cousin. Her entire perspective has changed from what I can judge, and changing even more daily as she fully comprehends her new found knowledge. It makes many issues better, though this one seems to be quite the opposite.

I do not know how much Brians death is discussed between you all Kathy, only you could tell me that. All I can tell you, is Evie has a lot of anger towards it and she is finding masking reasons to release it the only way she knows... rage.

Sorry Mum, I know your hurting, but I agree with Anthony. You and Dad dont talk about it nearly enough. I know you talk to each other, but thats not good enough. Evie wants to talk about it too. She talks to me whenever she gets the chance. You might think your protecting her because shes so sick now but your really making things worse. Jacob wants to talk about it too. Why do you think hes been such a little prick lately? And Mum, why did you move your thread about Brian?

OH...Kathy...I wish I had some words of wisdom but I am afraid, I don't...sorry! I am fortunate to be able to talk to Evie over msn....she commented the other day (that didn't make her as angry as being on the forum) So.I will continue to talk to her in this manner. I enjoy our conversations too. Take Care and give Evie a great big hug for me when you see her. I have had her in my thoughts quite a bit this week. Hope you are all well.....How did Evie's surgery go?

Difficult to admit. However. Anthony, Travis - you are both correct. Need to talk much more than we have. Realized it, dealing with Evie the other night. She desperately needs to talk, so do we, painful as it is.

Jim.

Yes absolutely correct, and we have known it for some time, we've observed Evie and Jacob becoming worse for not talking about it. I especially should know the importance of talking, however when it comes to the death of my child I simply have so much trouble. It is ever so difficult. You would think it would less painful as time goes on, though I feel it has almost become worse. However we must face things, mustn't we? None of us is going to be very happy in life if we continue avoiding the issue.

I believe we owe Evie an apology for "blaming" this matter on her alone and on her PTSD issues, when the reality is she is simply grieving, and reacting to the fact that none of us are dealing as we should with Brian's death. Jim and I have decided the family should attend grief counseling once more, and we will begin in a couple of weeks. I am not certain why we quit to begin with.

I do thank you all for contributing to this thread.