I am so glad to hear it is a nice place! I will be thinking of you monday. Please let us know. Remember we are here for you. I think you are very brave and have made the right decision. Everything is going to work out...you are getting the correct help...congrats.

Bec,

I agree it will be very hard on you and probably Matt as well, but keep looking to the future and what this hospital stay may just provide the both of you.....Sometimes good things hurt too......

Hugs,

Wen

Monday will be difficult for you Bec, no doubts there. It is always hard to see a loved one in hospital, especially one's child. The house will seem quiet. I am delighted however that you have an action plan of things to do whilst Matt is gone, that is more than I have done in similar situations! Keeping busy will help. Excellent too that you have Ryan and his children for support, and that you are able to visit Matt. I was uncertain about that part. As I remarked in your diary, even positive changes are stressful, PTSD notwithstanding. Jim and I will be praying for you and Matt, especially on Monday. Being an atheist Evie refuses to pray but she will light a candle, she is happy to do that for you. Take good care, keep that positive attitude about things and I am confident it will all work out well.

Oh, and if Monday is very difficult and you feel down hearted, do please come here and post. Do not feel that because this is a positive change for Matt that you are not allowed to feel unhappy, afraid, or "vent" about it. Positive change is difficult too and you are most welcome to post whatever you feel, so please do so, as much as you like. Take good care.

Thank you.

I've heard nothing but good about this program, and it is very positive.

I have so many mixed emotions right now. I'm just exhausted. On one hand, I feel relieved that someone objective is taking the lead and will be making arrangements, and handling most of this. (other than the my permission required aspect) On the other, I feel guilty for it. I feel lonely (shit he's still here and I'm already grieving him going) and angry, and like I've failed. Yet I've made so many positive steps for him that I'm proud of.

God it's just a big mess. I'm sure I will be posting quite a bit for the duration.

Thank you, for thinking of me.. and give Evie a hug for me. Tell her I miss her and will email when I'm not so overwhelmed.

bec

I went through those different emotions with hubby too. I was the one who approached his doc with his permission about admitting him.

At the end of the day I kept on telling myself that while he is in there he will get the chance to have the right type of care from people that know what to do instead of me bumbling around & stuffing up his progress.

And I'll admit I was really looking forward to the break.

I think I need to try and remember that Jods. It's better care than I can give right now. Actually it's probably the best time for this.. as my drug withdrawals are making me especially nutty now.

I've cried a lot the past few days. Partly because of Matt. We both have separation anxiety (lovely gift of domestic violence.. that one..) and I feel almost as if I'm abandoning him and being abandoned at the same time. I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone or not.

Really Matt is the only family I have. Although Connie is great, she's four hours away and has my Dad attached to her hip. I so fear losing Matt. He's the only good family I have.

I'm thinking this is highly unhealthy of me.

I'm hoping that going in there.. will not only help him, but help me with how we live. We still live very much as if we are being abused. We are both scared of conflict, tip toe around, try not to voice opinions. Maybe this separation will help? Maybe the docs can help us change this?

Don't know.. trying to mentally focus on the positives, as insane as some of them sound, since my emotions are so terribly negative, painful and overwhelming.

I'm so dreading packing his suitcase tomorrow.. really freaking dreading it. It's seems so final.


bec

I will be thinking of you today Bec, and praying the day treats you well. I cannot imagine packing away my entire family support, and being uncertain what the future held. It sounds quite lonely and frightening. I do agree however, acting as if you are still being abused cannot be healthy for you or Matt. I like your positive self-talk about the situation in spite of your fears. I do hope this will be the beginning of something much better for the both of you.

Certainly the drug withdrawals are not helping how you're feeling, nor the separation anxiety. Evie has dreadful separation anxiety at times, perhaps the two of you can chat later in the week. Do try to take it easy, continue focusing on the positives, but allow yourself all your feelings. This is a new experience for you, and you are bound to be feeling anxious about it. I would be more worried about you if you were not anxious. And Jodee makes good sense as always. Perhaps the doctors can help the two of you, and this time apart could be a good break for you both. Try not to think of it as final, as hard as that is. You will see Matt again, and very soon. Things are changing for the two of you, however hopefully for the good.

Oh dear I fear I am rambling, too many days spent in bed! In any event Bec, do take care today and keep us posted.

I'm still working on getting Matt all packed up. Thankfully, luckily and gratefully, Ryan gave me piles of food today, so I was able to pack Matt up a bunch of special treats! That helped me feel less like a heel.

We just have a bit more laundry to do (last of his clothes and a blanket to take) and then Matt is in the shower and off to bed.

Tomorrow will be rather wild for me. I have two appointments, back to back, right before Matt is due for admission, then another right after. I'm thinking I might cancel a few of these and only go to one. Just too much to do. Won't give me much of a chance to worry though! However I don't want to overload myself either. Ugh.. Fine line to walk there.

So.. I'm just around 16 hours away from it. Matt is still very excited. Which is good. That has helped my perspective tremendously.

I got my meds worked out last night in emerg (it was a very very long night) so my withdrawals aren't half as bad as they were. Thank god.

Kathy, I think I will chat with Evie about the separation anxiety. Probably be good for me to talk about it some.

bec

Bec all the best today ( or tomorrow) time difference!
Remember baby steps and jump on here if you need to express yourself!
Jen

Good luck today bec....please let us know how things are going. Take care!