Thank you Jen I certainly hope you are correct!
I had a most terrible thought about my poor Brian last night, and I felt guilty about it, I felt not to share it here, however best to get it out of my system I suppose. I would tell Evie to do the same thing in her diary, and this thread is like a diary to me. I do hope no one is offended by what I am about to say. My apologies in advance if anyone is; I am truly not making a sweeping statement about PTSD sufferers in general, moreso about my son specifically.
Evie is currently up north with my son Travis, who does not have PTSD. Travis is about as "normal and boring" as they come.
In any event, Evie had some difficulty with feeling homesick after she arrived up north, however Travis has helped her to get through it. Truly he has been very good with her overall. They have become quite close and he has helped her tremendously, especially with her self-esteem.
Now. Evie and Brian were extremely close, they shared a special bond due to both having PTSD. In retrospect however, they often fed off of each other's illness. Brian often enabled Evie's behaviour and vice versa. They spent much time complaining together about the rest of the family, doing foolish things together, which I believe they found fun at the time. They were partners in crime so to speak. Though not so fun now obviously, as Brian is no longer with us.
Though the last 6 months have been difficult for her, Evie has grown tremendously. She has overcome much in her struggles with PTSD. Brian did not wish to receive help for his PTSD, though we were trying to convince him. So my horrible thought is this... if Brian were still with us, would Evie be as far along in her recovery as she is, or would Brian have been a hindrance? Knowing the relationship she and Brian shared, I honestly suspect the latter. Of course I want my dear son back, I do not wish him dead, so this thought is both confusing and shocking to me. That I should even think it makes me feel as a horrible mother all over again. However, after Brian's death, we discovered he had been into hard drugs as well as the drinking. Additionally we had his friend (who also has PTSD) visiting us temporarily, and during that time he offered both Evie and Jacob IV drugs. After Evie told us about it, Jim asked him to leave.
Brian was very protective of Evie however I can't help wondering if in his illness he would, among other things, try to get her to use hardcore drugs with him. As I say I feel terrible for thinking it, and it in no way reflects my love for Brian. But seeing how much more responsible and helpful Travis is with her does make me wonder.
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