Kathy, I am so sorry for your loss, losing a child is the worst thing that a parent can go through.

I can imagine that you also feel anger and ask yourself why??? and If ??? those are, of course, questions with no answers !

My cousin's son died tragically in a car accident, due to speeding, in July of this year, he was only 18. And I know they are also angry at him !

I can only imagine the pain they are going through and can also imagine your pain as well !

Let me also add that I sense a lot of compassion, love and strength in you and Jim, and your daughter Evie (it is Evie ? right ?) all the hard and painful things you have gone through, and yet here you are sharing your pain and joys and encouraging and supporting others !

Maybe by doing so, it helps your healing process ? I would hope so :) God Bless !

Thank you Frankie, I appreciate your kind words. It is most refreshing to hear from someone who understands the situation so very well! I have been rather sensitive of late. I try not to be, however it is difficult. Allow me to extend my condolences to your cousins for their loss. Yes Evie is my daughter's name, username Batgirl here on the forum. I do hope you are correct, in that being open here helps myself and my family. There are times when I wonder about that very aspect. Thank you again for the encouragement.

Thank you to all for your suggestions regarding Liam, I am most appreciative. Jim and I are planning on finding a book for him, as he loves to read. Additionally Evie offered to write and draw a homemade book for him, she has made several other homemade books for the grandchildren, which are really quite beautiful. Some of them I feel should be submitted to publishers, however obviously I will leave that to Evie, when she feels comfortable.

I apologize for not commenting much in here lately. Travis' birthday yesterday reminded us all once again that Brian is not here to share good times with the family. It was most painful, last night I was very miserable. Additionally, Brian's birthday is coming up in 4 weeks' time, and then Christmas of course. I am not looking forward to the next few weeks.

I must now be honest. Since I began this thread, I have had difficulties with certain comments in here. I believe I am beginning to understand in a small way (though I could never fully understand) the sensitivity of those of you who are PTSD sufferers. It is most difficult to remain objective whilst you are in such pain, and comments seem rather insensitive. I do apologize though if I have seemed snappy, not my intention. The majority of the comments have been very helpful, I do appreciate the input and suggestions.

Mum I really don't think you have anything to apologize for. You are being so totally harsh with yourself. I haven't seen you being snappish at all in here. Even if you were, you're human and you're in a lot of pain and if anyone doesn't have the common sense to appreciate that, tough for them.

Thank you Sweetness, I appreciate that.

Kathy,

Your daughter is so right, you have nothing to apologize for ! You are in pain, the worst possible pain anyone can ever feel. You have every right to feel the way you feel. And everyone should understand that !

I remember telling my cousin "Nothing will ever hurt or scare you as much anymore, you have felt and are facing the worst hurt ever" "life as you knew it has changed"

And I also told her "you have every right to grieve your son AND be angry at him, and scream at him"

There will always be a missing link to your heart, but us "humans" are sooooo strong ! We do heal, in time ! And in time you will remember your son with a smile, remembering the good times ! :)

Thank you once more Frankie, you do seem rather a sensible person, and I like sensible! ;) It is lovely to have you here on the forum.

Thank-you Kathy, I am a positive person by nature and it has helped me a lot in dealing with lots of things myself ! I always see the glass half full :)

One of the major hurdles I have had to accept is my mom's alzeihmers (for the past 6 years). This has made me learn to be more patient and understanding and yes, sensitible !

My sense of humor does help tremendously ! All this is helping me understand and accept my bf's PTSD much better !

And I am so very happy I found this site :)

Never have said much in this thread. However. With my daughter being ill again, I am thinking about my son. Even before he died, always felt I failed him somehow. Had a huge blow out with him when he was 16. Never quite recovered from that one. We didn't speak for nearly 2 years, relationship was always volatile after that. Just didn't see eye to eye, on anything. Couple of months before his death, I apologized for how I treated him when younger. Always had been quite hard on him. Glad I did that. However. Can't help feeling it was too little too late. And now - when my daughter defies me, like she did tonight, I see Brian in her and it scares the shit out of me.

Jim.

Do you want to talk to her about how that scares you?