I feel rather like a yo-yo, however I have moved this thread about my dear son Brian to public carers once more. I moved it into the private area due to feeling uncomfortable, however 2 of my children (Travis and Evie) questioned my decision, and Evie epsecially asked me to return it to the public area so that she may read and contribute as well. So, here it is, although I have nothing to write today. Tomorrow perhaps!

Kathy and Jim,
There is no time limit on grieving; don't ever tell yourself that by now you should feel 'better' or 'be over it.'
Now is the time when you should be the most gentle with yourselves, and I am not telling you something you don't already know. All of us forum-folk care about you and your family. Would it do any good to visit Brian's grave? I hope you get a good night's sleep.

Very true, there is no time limit, a very important thing to be reminded of, thank you. Yes we have visited Brian's grave on many occasions, for a while we were there once weekly, although it has been a few weeks now.

Kathy, i know that this is not the same as losing a son but I did lose my Dad so i just wanted to contribute if you don't mind.

I feel like My Dad is not there..he is around me..i light candles every night to "bring the angels" ( a friend of mine took an angel course and she learned this...cheezy..yes but comforing to me. i feel like he is always with me "in my heart". i still visit there but not too often. Take Care of yourself. Pand.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts Pandora. We also light candles for our deceased family members, though not with angels in mind specifically, more as a vigil. However it is a pleasant thought.

Once again with Evie's permission, I am quoting some words from her diary. Evie honestly deserves much credit for the amount of work she did in her diary surrounding Brian's death. She has done far more to help herself than Jim and I have even begun to do. The following quote was made to Evie by another member, after she had questioned Brian being dead and she being alive, and the unfairness of it all:

People are people, they show some things and then there are things that are there but never shown. I am sorry if this seems mean but Brian really was the only one who could have done anything for Brian in that. You have made a better choice and are able to live because of it. This is not something to be sorry you did, this is what you had to do to live.

I must say, I cried when I read this. It was the one time on the forum where I felt truly angry at the words of another, and had to restrain myself from lashing out. Whether there is truth in the statement or not, it was extremely difficult to read, especially given it was said barely 5 weeks after Brian's death. Totally inappropriate timing in my opinion. One issue which is very difficult to deal with in any death, are the insensitive though likely well-meaning comments made by others following a tragedy.

I am not certain what else to say regarding this, only that the whole family was devastated by the comment. Yes Brian made bad choices, however so did Evie, and Evie is still with us. Brian is not. There is no justice in that. Had Brian been spared, I like to believe he would have sought help eventually. It took Evie 5 years to seek help, perhaps it would take Brian as long or longer, however he would still be alive. The suggestion that Evie deserves to live more than Brian offends me so much that I shake with anger just thinking about it.

It was a shocking statement and I'm happy to see it being addressed. It took me over twenty years to actively seek help and I've been through many a moment where one wonders how I lived through it.

I am no more deserving of life or death than another. As is Evie, as was Brain. As is Matt, as is everyone on this forum. Sufferer or not.

The insensitive, well-meaning comments after a tragedy are why I never know what to say and try to keep it simple. It just causes those in pain more pain that is not needed.

Proud of you, Kathy, for starting to deal with this aspect.

*hugs*
bec

I still do not have much to say in here; I seem to only have the ability to post in this thread every few days. It is still exceedingly painful for me. However I did want to thank you Bec for that confirmation. Yes it was a shocking statement, the whole family was quite stunned and hurt by it. It is comforting to know we are not the only ones who felt the statement was inappropriate. Sometimes in one's grief it is difficult to tell if one is overreacting or not.

You are absolutely correct Bec; no one deserves life more than another. Some of us are just more fortunate it seems, regardless of the choices we make. I suppose that is part of the mystery of life; there are no answers as to why you, Matt and Evie are alive, whereas Brian is dead. I truly wish there were answers, but not knowing the reasons for things is part of what I must accept.

It is peculiar how badly our society deals with death in general. Truly, all that is needed is to say, "sorry for your loss", or, "you have my sympathies". However people always want to fix things, or explain the death away, or place blame, and so on.

In any event, thank you for the support Bec, it is most appreciated.

Kathy,
In regards to the comment made to Evie,Tonka would often say this kind of thing. It hid the fact he was struggling to deal with the fact he was alive, and often wished it was him. He was almost jealous of the fact the deceased person now had peace, when he did not. He talked himself up to be so much stronger, to hide the fact he felt so much weaker.
Just a different slant on why he/she may have said this.....
Ryair xxxxxxxx
P.S You guys are doing great!!! As a family you are TOTALLY AWESOME!!!

That is indeed interesting and excellent point Ryair, thank you for sharing it. You are more than likely correct, and as a professional I should have the skill to think rationally regarding the statement. However, it being my own child, clouds the situation for me somewhat. In an event, I do thank you for a valid point made.