I think the truest memory you can ever keep of anyone you love is the feelings you had for them.. the love you feel inside that is associated with this person. I have also done things like make a special photo album dedicated to this person with all my favorate photo's of them and stuff. We never had much vidieo's of my sister or grandmother but I think that would work as the same kind of idea. and I do think remembering all the good times.. like watching movies togeather with the family or going over pictures and laughing over funny times and remembering fun trips ext. will help you remember the good times and keep the image of him that is in your hearts and minds a happy more true image. I think its natural for your mind to want to try and forget the bad times or the tmes you faught and argued or times when he was upset and unhappy.

Welll said Lisa. To be perfectly honest Kathy, my brother died 18 years ago and I have not forgotten about him. Yes, I do miss his anniversary of the day he died, though quite honestly, these days I don't see that as a good thing to remember anyway. Instead of me being happy with the memories I have and do think about often with him, I would be depressed because of a day he died. I wish he was still here, though I have the memories and what is most important, when I think about him and miss him I have a picture of him in my room. I go look at the picture, think about the good times had with him, then close him up and put him away until next time.

18 years Kathy and he still lives in my heart, regardless a date to be sad! You already know I agree its not the same as losing your own child, however; the point is that if he is within your heart then a date doesn't matter. Its what's in your heart that matters, what's in your memory, not a date to be sad.

To be perfectly honest if you said to me that you had outright forgotten him, I would agree with you about being sad. If I forgot my brother fullstop, I know I would be and would want someone to tell me so. You haven't forgotten Brian Kathy, you simply forgot a date and what you have going on in your house is pretty good reason to miss something like a date, regardless its significance, you have a lot on your plate Kathy and that you must accept.

Thanks all for the messages. Agreed Lisa and Anthony. Dates aren't important. Especially unhappy ones. Myself, would rather remember his birthday than the day he died. In any event. Kathleen is unwell over this. Nothing anyone said. Just unwell over forgetting. She won't be here for a couple of days. Take care all.

Jim.

I do hope she pulls through okay and is not too sick. Remind her of her self-care (just as important for her as it is for us!)

Thinking of you guys,
bec

I realized today, I believe Brian's death is a public reflection of my mothering skills. I am worried what others think of me as a mother. Perhaps they believe I didn't love him enough, if I had, he wouldn't have killed himself in this fashion. His death was ruled an accident but when it comes right down to it he destroyed his own life with his drinking and so on, which is like a suicide. I can't help feeling over and over again, that I should have done something. On the flipside, whilst I am blaming myself for being a bad mother I am also incredibly angry with Brian in the same instance. I gave him life and he destroyed it.

I am sorry we gave Evie a car. I regret that she is going to drive it soon. I get ill everytime she speaks about driving it with such excitement. Since Brian's death I have not wanted Colin, Jacob or Evie driving (though of course I would not go so far as to prevent them). Frankly every time they leave the house I worry it's the last I'm going to see of any of them alive. Colin took Evie out for a drive yesterday and when they were 20 minutes late I screamed at them. I felt horrible afterwards for overreacting however those 20 minutes seemed like the longest of my life. I do hope this is not how I will feel forever, it's not the kind of mother I was previously and not the sort of mother I want to be, ever. They have a right to their own lives. However I simply do not think I could bear it if another one of them were to die.

Oh how rude of me, I do appreciate all your thoughts. I simply cannot comment right now, I haven't the words. I am having a break as Jim mentioned. I will comment more once I have rested.

From my knowledge Kathy, you are an amazing, kind, caring, loving and compassionate mother.

I cannot appreciate what you are going through however my thoughts are with you.

Kathy,

As long as there are people, there will always be opinions. That's a fact that no one can change. There will always be those that "Think" what they want to think and nothing or no one can change that fact. They didn't live in your house, they weren't privy to your mothering skills, and therefore will make assumptions based on what they THINK they know. These people are closed minded, self absorbed, ignorant, and downright mean...Mean people suck!!!!!

IMO I don't care what kind of a mother you are, or you think that you are. Your parenting skills have nothing to do with the fact that you lost your son. You lost your son!!!!!!!!!!

You have every right to grieve in whatever way that you want, and your parenting skills should not even be a topic of discussion IMO.

Kathy, As I have said before, I am so sorry that you, Jim, Evie and the rest of your family are going through this. Do what you need to do. Grieve for as long as it takes...... You lost your son, and that should be the only issue on the table....

Wendy

Of course you are quite correct Wendy, in that people lose their children regardless of the sort of parents they are. I was in quite a bad space yesterday when I posted. I do have my moments since Brian's death where I fear I am going insane. Thankfully those moments rarely last long.

Today I am feeling somewhat better again, however struggling with the realization that I have been quite harsh with my other children lately. Losing my temper, shouting at them over nothing and being far too overprotective - especially Evie, I admit I am much too protective of her. I like to tell myself it's the cancer making me so protective, however if I'm honest, the fact that she shares the same illness as Brian (PTSD) is a major factor.

I do very much appreciate everyone's input in this thread, it does assist me though I am not always able to comment, sometimes it is simply too painful. Lisa and Anthony I agree, I should not be concerned about dates, especially the sad ones. Jim is correct that Brian's birthday in December would be a far more pleasant memory for us.

Kathy,

When my oldest daughter was going through a rough time and hurting herself (by cutting) and talking about killing herself, I felt, too, like it was a public indictment of my mothering skills. After all, I was her mother, I lived with her, I took care of her and I felt like her mental and emotional issues at that moment were my fault because I should have been good enough, strong enough...SOMETHING enough to help her and to stop it. I was her mother, for piss sake, and I couldn't find a way to make it all better! That's part of our job as mothers...protecting and making it better for our children.

It took me years (and going through my traumas) to understand that it wasn't my fault that she went through this. It was combination of circumstances, her mental state, her age, and her maturity level to all contributed to what happened. Her father and I put her in therapy, we helped and supported her. Basically we did everything we could think of. But what took me the longest to understand is that there comes a point when, although they are still our children, they are not children and we cannot protect them like when they were little. All we can do is be there, love, support and hope that that's enough. It comes down to their choices, not ours anymore.

Kathy, I read what you're saying and I hear the same words and thoughts that I used to beat myself up for not being enough to make it right, make it better. I also understand that incredible anger and rage for our children taking the life that we gave them and treating it with such disregard.

It's so tough not to take the fears from one child and transfer them to another. Or to another family member. All of what we went through with my daughter happened in the same time frame that I lost my father and sister. I was scared for anyone I loved to be out of my sight. Unfortunately it lead to a lot of resentment from other loved ones when I would bawl them out for being later than expected or didn't get a call, etc. I've learned that explaining why I was afraid to let anyone go helped the rest of my loved ones to understand why I reacted like I did.

Keep talking, keep writing. It does help to get it out of yourself and to stop the fear from becoming bigger by keeping it to yourself.

Hugs
Lisa