Thank you Lisa, it is comforting to read I am not the only one experiencing such feelings. I do hope your daughter is fairing better these days. Thank you also for giving me "permission" to write here as I like. Sometimes I wrongly believe that I should only be recording positive feelings.

My children do understand what is going on, and have been most generous and kind with me. Though lately I have noticed they hide from me at times, and than saddens me. Though can I really blame them when I am shouting and overreacting? Last night I thought, I am likely making their own grief over Brian worse in some respects. And in Evie's case, no doubt I am making her PTSD worse, as she does not deal well with shouting. Before Brian's death I prided myself on the fact that I rarely if ever shouted at any of them, I was always the calm presence in the family. Now Jim seems calmer than myself at times. I must admit it does hurt my pride.

Sorry in advance Mum if this bothers you, but I did want to say for everyone's information, Mum is painting this picture of herself as a really horrible mother, which is so totally untrue. Yes she is yelling at us more than she used to, but it's not all day every day sort of thing, more I would say, 2-3 times a week at the most, and she always feels super bad about it and apologizes! And for myself, I really don't think it's making my PTSD worse because I know where it's coming from. I know Mum is hurting about Brian and I understand that. I really don't feel upset or offended by it much, mostly just sad that Mum feels bad and I wish I could help her.

Evie,

Spoken like an adult defending someone that you love very much!!!!!!! Good job!

I'm just not sure if Kathy needs to be defended. At least in my opinion, she is one hell of a lady, that loves her kids, and hubby, and is going through some very rough waters right now. Her behavior is not unusual for someone that is grieving for the loss of a loved one. Her emotions must be in overdrive......

Hugs to all of you for the sure hell that you all have and continue to go through. I pray for more peaceful and calm days ahead for all of you....

Thank you once again all, I do appreciate the input always. Evie is being very generous, however I was touched by her words. I have felt like a bad mother lately, however if she doesn't think so I suppose I am being too hard on myself. I'm delighted she and my other children are so understanding, it certainly does help me on my bad days.

I appear to be feeling better again for the time being. I am getting used to the idea of Evie's trip up north this week. I was quite anxious, however she will be with Travis and several others, so it's irrational of me to worry. It has been quite helpful to write here, though I must admit, somewhat embarrassing also. I have a new respect for Evie and all of you who share so openly here. I always encouraged my clients to be open with others however personally I am finding it is a challenge. Whilst Evie was away up north, Jim and I were planning a short holiday of our own, however we decided against it. Since it's only the two of us, we may just as easily relax at home. I'm looking forward to sleeping! Once I hear Evie and Travis have reached the station safely I believe I shall retire to my bed for a few days.

Take a well deserved rest as often as you can Kathy they will be fine!
Jen

Hi Kathy,
sorry it has been a while. I am going to give you the same response that Alex gives me wheneverI question mymothering skills. "Onlyagood mother worries about whether sheis good or bad!" I personally think itis in the job description to always worry about your abilities.

And as far as the forgetting dates is concerned... My Nana was one of my best friends, shepassed awayon the 24th August 2004and not once have I actually remembered on the date. I have had comments about how I am different and weird on that day, but I have never actually remembered until the next day. I think it is our way of coping in some sick twisted way. I am also well aware of the guilt felt by not remembering!!! I know your grief would be much worse as you lost a son and my thoughts are continually with you and your family. At least you have each other to talk to and lean on...
Tammy

at some point as your children get older they become something more then just "your children" they become your friend also. So in hard times they see you as a mother and look to you for support but also as a friend and wish to help and support you in a more adult mannor.. rather then child-parent it becomes more adult- adult and friend-friend. Just as we here understand the need to vent sometimes and release that pent up emotion eather in yelling or in tears.. part of a loving family is understanding that and not taking personal insult when someone is just upset. Don't add more heart ace and worry to your life right now by trying to be perfect and the strongest.. family is there to lean on in hard times and being a mother its hard to see your children as strong enough and adult enough to understand and be that suport for you.

Thank you once again everyone, I do so appreciate the support and kind thoughts. Tammy, I am relieved to hear someone else thinks of the dates as I do. Evie is like this as well, remembers all dates good and bad, and feels terrible when she forgets. I read somewhere recently that the 3 month, 6 month, 9 month and 1 year marks after a death are typically very difficult for grievers. As we just passed the 6 month mark, that is possibly why we are all having a difficult time at present.

Kathy, I am sorry you are having such a hard time and missing your son so much. I don't know anything "right" to say so I just will say my thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Grace

I want to start off by saying...I am so sorry for your what you went through. I am sorry for your son....For you family and everyone really.

I can't even understand how much that must hurt.

I will keep you in my mind and heart....

Be Blessed,

Geneva