My name's Rachel and I married an Afghanistan veteran in May... He has PTSD from the typical combat difficulties as well as the following: While he was in Afghanistan, his friend's tank was hit and caught on fire... The friend was driving and caught fire too... Husband was trying to get him out of the hatch, but was unable to... He has flashbacks often and they are only getting more and more common.

A month after we were married, I found out not only that he had fought in Afghanistan, but that he had PTSD and then how he "got" it. This came after I had put my foot down about his drinking... Since he was discharged from the army (4 years ago) he drinks 12 to 18 beers about 4 nights a week(roughly) ... Drinking is the only way he has found to lessen the pain of the memories and the flashbacks... He's gone to PTSD/Alcohol therapy once before and left before it was completed, with nothing but less money to show for it.

Today we went to the pre-screening for the VA substance abuse program. He had to talk just a little about how he got the PTSD there too... I dropped him off at home and now, well... He's getting plastered, this time I think he "only" bought a 12-pack. I've read time and again that PTSD and alcohol only make each worse...

I'm at my wits' end and do not know what I should do. I need to talk with people who understand PTSD and perhaps someone who can give me ideas of how to handle this.

I can say that as a little girl, I (if I had been taken to a psychologist) would have been diagnosed with PTSD which only got worse each time I was molested... I know that not talking to anyone made it so much worse for me... Everyone handles things differently, but I still just don't understand...

I need help... Help as in needing to talk to/with people who understand this than anything else.

Rachel, I've had PTSD for over twenty years, cannot get help for it. Give my love, faith and support to your hubby, stick with him!

Welcome to the forum. We have a wonderful carers section with a lot of people who deal with family members and spouses who have PTSD and understand exactly what you are going through. Check out that part, you will find a lot of advice, also the forum just added a carers section in information!

Welcome Rachel, lovely to have you. My husband was in Afghanistan earlier in the year, my son also is only just returning this week from operations which included Afghanistan. Do please visit the Carers section as Veiled suggested, I and others there are delighted to chat with you.

I will comment on some of the issues you have raised in this post tomorrow morning. I apologize but I fear I am being called away once more at the moment. Too many children and animals in this house. In any event, take good care and I will chat with you more tomorrow.

Welcome to the forum Rachel.

I disagree with this post. A person can 'choose' to stay in a PTSD state if they want to, to not get better, to continue hatred lifestyles taking it around the people around them. Your husbands continued drinking is in fact, ensuring that he will most likely never make any progress to recover. Therefore, you are essentailly being 'an enabler' in his illness, and I would not expect any progress or change in your relationship, so get used to his drinking.

So dont blame your husband on your bad relationship as you are just as much a part of it now too.

Educate, learn that drinking will make things worse and cannot be concurrent with recovery. I see you have gone to a VA meeting to get help, so I think you are smart and trying really to make good changes ... but if you are the only one trying to make progress, realize you will never be able to get better for him, and leaving/divorce is the best option on your part. This is just something to keep in mind, as I said someone can choose to be caught up in their PTSD world, just as an addict to their drug. They are making a choice, you should realize this.

If they are legitimately trying to get better, than you will be the best help to them imaginable and be of infinite help.

Well Squarepusher, you certainly have strong opinions. Is it because you have put this advice to practice and suceeded? Very well done if that is the case. As I mentioned in a previous thread, perhaps you would like to share your story with us?

My experience is quite opposite of what you describe, SP. And my situation was very much at one time as she described hers. She like many carers here are looking how to help those they love and without being drug under. It is hard but possible.

Do you have any advice? You are calling someone you do not know based on a paragraph or two an enabler when she is wanting to speak to other spouses who understand.

And to disagree with Mortis' post. What do you disagree with? That he has been suffering for 20 years? Are you saying that he has chosen to suffer? People have to learn what works for them to feel better. Judging from your other postings you seem to lean heavily on the drinking. Do you understand there is a lot more to this than just a drinking problem?

As Kathy asked, please let us know what your experience is with PTSD carer or sufferer. We look forward to your intro thread.

Wow. Just. Wow.

I'm always leery of people who present their "opinions" as facts, which your post above is rife with.

I too would like to know what your credentials are. Are you a doctor? Mental health-care provider? PTSD sufferer? Have you studied the subect at Harvard? Been a care-giver? From where do you get your "knowledge"? I think most of your sentences above should be prefaced with "in my opinion.... blahbity blah blah".... because they are truly just that. Your opinion. Emphasis on the word "your" there mate.

Whoops. I'm heading into sarcasm. Sorry about that. No more coffee for me today.

m1

I do like opinions.... and some you have are quite valid and accurate at that SP...
Absolutely correct, they can and do. I have friends who choose to remain in this very state, and their life is destructive, their relationship are full of abuse, they are in and out of hospital also. I made a choice, as a lot of my friends, to simply stop relating with these people. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, or don't feel they want help as they are happy being miserable. Absolutely correct and well said.

What I will add though, is these people who are happy to remain that way are certainly not welcome here, as those who desire that lifestyle with their PTSD are not going to be allowed to bring down those who do want to change. We ban those members here as they serve no positive purpose to this community.

Also totally agree.

I would also have to agree. Partners often become an enabler to the sufferer. The choice is to stay and put up with the crap, or if you have exhausted all avenues and the person simply doesn't want to help themselves or respect their partners voice, separation is typically the only option if you don't want to put up with the abuse.

I would say this is not so accurate.... its not about blame, its about ownership of one's problems. It takes two to be married, not just one putting in the effort. It is more the sufferers fault than the partners fault for the abusive actions within the relationship.

Sorry guys and girls, but I must also agree here. You cannot get better for him. Nothing you do will help him if he doesn't want to help himself. If you are happy to remain with them then that is your choice, and the only suggestion could obviously be to seek constant counselling for yourself.