Hello, I'm new to this forum and I'd first like to comment about my name. It goes back to my early internet days (1990, before windows). It just shows how long I've really felt this way.

I was 15 yrs old in 1990, and was a victim of sexual abuse at the age of 5. By the age of 7, I was a purpetrator unto my 2 year old half sister and continued until she was 13. I feel immensely ashamed to the point where i've had so many suicide attempts that I've lost count. I stopped that behavior but thanks to porn on the internet, it fed me a new addiction that ultimately helped destroy my marriage. I've stopped that behavior, and picked up substance abuse, and now I'm reeling from an addiction that I fear will drive me to another attempt.

I can't even remember how many suicide attempts I've had, too many to count. I have scars on both arms from cutting numerous vains with a utility knife one time, I've had my stomach pumped 3 times, and have had a 12 gauge shotgun in my mouth one time and was never able to pull the trigger. I've tried hanging, suffocation, and drowning, and yet through all these I live. Quite frankly, it upsets me when each time I have failed.

I went into the Army from 94-98 as an infantryman, though I never saw combat, I had 6 or so attempts during that time.

I married 3 years after I left the military, and it was a volitile marriage from the beginning. I have 2 daughters ages 18 months and 5 years old. During my marriage I was abusive physically, verbally, and emotionally. I opened up to my former wife and she was the first person I ever told about my sexual abuse and abuse to my sister. This after she confronted me about my porn addiction. We struggled through out the marriage and we both have domestic violence convictions.

I left a year and a half ago, moved across the U.S. for a year. I turned to drugs, got into an altercation with my estranged father (whom I hadn't seen in over 10 years) and did some jail time there. While in jail I was served my divorce papers and a PPO(personal protection order). The divorce was defaulted because I wasn't able to contact the court. As a result, my visitation with my children was withheld and I ended up paying a rediculous amount for child support. I Couldn't keep a job for more than 2 months and 3 more attempts later I returned home to family and one friend.

The former wife allowed me to talk to my oldest daughter over the phone during this time and when I returned home she allowed me to see my children at my mother's house. I filed a motion to terminate the PPO and was arrested in court for violating the PPO via phone contact. I served 37 days in jail and all I could think about was death. I'm now on probation for 5 years (cruel punishiment I think), and I just got served another PPO from the ex-in-laws.

The ex is making my life very difficult by not allowing me to see my children and setting me up to goto jail for any possibility. I feel right now my life is spiraling out of control, and I fear I might have fallen to deep into the hole to crawl out. I feel so numb... so empty inside and bad thoughts are filling my mind increasingly often. I not sure how much more I can take! I'm currently abusing drugs, owe large sums of money for child support, can't keep a job for more than 3-4 weeks and I'm losing hope fast... A cry for help, but not sure which way to go..

I appologize if this post violates the rules, but I've said I what I needed to.

I must apologize, I was trying to merge your 2 threads, and I lost the first one. I will try to find it again, however my sincere apologies! Welcome to the forum however, it is lovely to have you!

ETA: Ah, nevermind. I realized that the two posts look very similar. What a relief. I would have felt so badly had I lost your post!

I thought the first thread didn't post. I wasn't sure if i was logged in. but there they are

Yes they both went through, its simply that you are still in moderation. Hence there is a delay before your posts appear, as an editor or moderator must be online to approve them. If you haven't already read it, this article explains it nicely:

http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread5669.html

Once again welcome. It sounds quite as though you have been through the wringer in life, however you have come to the right place for support and to learn about your PTSD.

Welcome, I hope you find some peace soon.

Tammy

Welcome to the forum. Though things look pretty bleak for you right now all of what you have mentioned is a temporary thing even if it feels never ending right now. It does get better and I hope you stick around to see that it does.

Welcome! It was nice to chat with you.

-nieccole

Hey AD, welcome to the forum. Good to hear a person acknowledging their problems, admitting to their mistakes. Shit, we all make them and typically plenty off them with PTSD in toe. Your past is your past, now you simply have to heal it and learn how to manage yourself. The best aspect is that you want to help yourself, so you have overcome some of the worst already. Welcome aboard and look forward to chatting more with you.

Hello , and Welcome to the forum. Glad you found us and are here. It really is rather nice to hear someone admitting to their mistakes, just as already has been said. Do hope you find support and help here within the forum.

Again, Welcome Aboard !

Welcome to the forum,

Lisa