I don't have the same issues I had. Before, after really thinking about it, I believe I thought I would lose someone's friendship or potential of one. I mean I was the one who had problems and everyone else must be perfect, right? So if a friendship did not bloom or a relationship failed it must have been something I did. It was further reinforced when someone who was FWD happy with chain e mails was asked by me to stop sending them. Not that I was not happy they prayed for me (they were always prayer mails that you must FWD to 10 people in 5 minutes?). It was annoying and last I checked prayers did not fit in a window of 5 minutes from you opening mail to count. Now I asked very very nicely as back then I checked my mail a couple times a week max as I paid by the minute to be online. It would leave my box overflowing and she sent many a day. She told me off. We never spoke again and our spouses were best buds since kindergarten, very awkward. For years now I dealt with it since that.

Now I don't and I also know some people I just don't get along with, I do not have to be friends, and some people are just inconsiderate asses. So now no is not a big deal as before. I even told someone the same exact thing about the exact same type of email today. And we are just fine and she will respect it. No is a good word I have learned and real people who really care won't take it as refusing them as a whole.

I also learned that me being told no was like a rejection of me on the whole. I know this is not the case now. My skewed way of thinking back then. And why would I want to make another feel that way too? So I guess a few things played a part.

I also in the past have avoided confrontation at all costs and have a hard time saying no but i am learning. it has been a slow process but now i know that not all people react to no with a smack...they might get angry but not everyone is out to hurt me. I thought that for a long time. i guess i still do to a certain extent but I am learning.

I do that too.. Afraid of upsetting someone or getting in an altercation (only with people I care about though, I just get really nasty if it's someone I don't know, like if i'm out... Then it's the opposite and I want to beat the hell out of them) I even do it at work, if they call to ask if I can come in and work or stay late I always say yes to make them happy.

"Has anyone read or are they in posts about automatic responses (for lack of better terminology) and how to change them."



When saying "NO" to some one, and they pressure you into saying yes or try to make you feel guilty. A response could be.... I don't base my friendships on 'control' and 'guilt', more like trust and consideration. If you feel differently than me on this issue, it isn't gong to work out between us.

You don't owe them an explanation of why you can't or don't want to do it. Your not going to do it and that is that, period!

I havent had to say this yet, because I've set boundaries and been saying no a lot in the last year. But prior to that "No" was not in my vocabulary and I let a lot of people down by not showing up.

Hope this helped
Peace
Tammy

I indeed have always had a issue with saying no....
It's about having people NOT leave me....I suppose it would be the same for other people.

Yep. And I find when I simply say no, rather than making up a lie or trying to "prove" my excuse, I feel more okay about saying no. I just refuse to get into it.

For example:

Friend: Can you do XXX for me?
Kers: Sorry, I can't.
Friend: But it's really easy.
Kers: Mm (sympathetic). I can't.
Friend: Oh. Okay. Maybe so and so can.

It's a relief to find out I don't have to be rude or hurtful. But a simple no means I get the runaround of manipulation far less often, and I give it less, too.

Now that you have given me some great ways to decline and say no. Getting the words out is the next step. And why do I have such a problem with this?

When I first posted I thought not being able to say no was an instantaneous, automatic response.
Then I started writing out the traumas that I've gone through in my life; and how some decisions (not saying no) played a big part in leading up to the trauma itself. I no longer think it's instantaneous but I still believe I have an automatic response.

Then I came back here to read the posts and all the different perspectives and how others say no. I started to write them down and practice saying them. Why is this so easy to read, write, and say here but not when it actually counts. Then it hit me. I'm alone, in my office safe. No consequences to what I've said.

So what is different when it comes to the real deal... before a decision even has to be made

Where am I and who am I with?
Environmental - is there a way out, is it blocked, am I cornered, are there others around and if so how will they play into the decision (defend, agree, etc.)

Who - Physically: Man/Woman, physcial size, strength, what impact can they have (physical, emotional, financial, my own psychological)

Then when posed with a decision of saying yes or no; engaging or disengaging in an activity
What are the consequences (physical, emotional, financial, psychological) and which will be worse.
How severe the consequences (small to extreme)
How long the consequence will last (short or long term)
Will I be able to handle (emotionally/psychologically) the consequences of no.

Then out comes a bunch of bull shit (ta da) or I agree to do something I don't want to do and regret it or am physically hurt from it.

So here's my question... Do you think that I've already made the decision to be compliant before even being faced with a decision? I'm I hard-wired to be submissive?

I'm afraid that this is going to lead to something very bad for me in my life right now. I know there are no quick fixes, no easy answers. I just wish I knew how to say no and protect myself before I do myself any more harm.

KT,

I don't think that you are Hard Wired to be submissive. You probably just feel safer being in that role for now. Being assertive is foreign to you, and change is very difficult for all of us.

Why not just grab the bull by the horns and TRY saying no the next time you are faced with it. Just blurt it out without thinking about it. It might just get you over that initial shock....

I have always had a very difficult time saying "no" to anyone.

I was always told (as a child), that if I don't say "yes", they will never ask me again, and I will be all alone. If I didn't "do" what someone asked, I was selfish. So, whatever the question is, I have found myself committed to rather huge tasks.

There have been times when I have come up with some excuse to get out it, but I make sure that the next time they ask me, I do whatever it is they want. (Like painting the exterior of a friend's house one summer).

MY PTSD has been affecting so much of my daily being, that when I do have something planned, I watch the minutes until it is over (while telling myself to hold on)

nor