I guess you would need company to tell you had one if you forget. Do others have this happen? I knew I used to get them but my doc said they were more emotional more than being there (I would be there but shutdown). I never knew my flashbacks were just that (flashbacks). Ha, I used to feel so sorry for people who had them and happy I was spared.

This weekend I did extra things listed in "How was your day?" thread. I got sick. I am even more so. Bec did wonders to lift my spirits as we get online videoing and we can end up making jokes of the worst of PTSD and feel better. Bec, sorry for the personal note here but I am in lala land, you have saved my life, thank you for being a great friend. Tonight I lost it big. I mean a good year since I went this far. I got suicidal. I was doing just fine I thought and recovering. But I got out my gun safe and checked out all my pistols. Obviously I put them back. I debated the razor down my arm but thought of my kids. I cannot give people I love PTSD but at the same time my thought was this would still be best for them as they would not have to deal with flare ups. I mean I was really thinking I would be doing them GOOD doing it.

OK, I did my normal shit I have busted my ass learning and realized these are FLARE UPS, not daily things now. Gun safe goes back out of the house tomorrow to family until I get a grip again. Tell me until blue in the face no guns period but well, grew up with them, guns are part of life in the country... Guns will take "vacations" from here but we are gun owners.

Flashback though. I mustered the strength to ask hubs in the middle of the night to take me for a drive to talk. No way I will risk my kids hearing this shit. I told him I got suicidal again. Been a long time but it happened and I knew it was from me doing just a few things. Little things too. We were driving and I have no clue what triggered me. It was not like I was in a good place anyway. I just know we were driving and then the next thing we are on the side of the road with my window down and my face soaked in tears... I mean like someone threw a bucket of water at me even hair wet. And I am not a crier.

Hubs said I was "gone" a good 10 minutes. Do they last that long? He said I curled up and started bawling and kept saying "no". He said he pulled over when I was trying to open the door. He said I could not find the handle. Apparently I got even more upset when he tried to calm me a touched me. He was lost and tried to keep me in the vehicle while like this.

I have almost no recall except a moment of Marty getting ready to blow my head off. It was seconds to me. Hubs says (and I recall this sort of after he told me) that when I went into this he hit a possum in the road. He said I yelled no, no, no... and then was gone.

How is it something seconds long to me is 10 minutes and lose all time?

Any way we got into a huge fight at home (sure I started it or gee 3 AM had no issue in it) but did make up. After that shit I asked to go to work with him. He makes me feel safe and if I want it is OK to tag along. Never have but need him. I asked him to help me find an outfit so I do not have to look for one in the AM. He about lost it since he is not a fashion guru. He said just wear your hockey jersey and jeans (after the blow up). I tried to explain to him something as simple as a shirt and pant is beyond my realm of thinking when like this. He was sorry as he has not seen me this bad in so long. BTW my jersey and jeans sounded great.

I have just been so pissed. I am in another world tonight and can't shake it. I had a Jack Daniels for the first time in 15 years tonight. I feel better. He asked why and I said I am in an alternate reality and nothing is real, have a couple shots of whiskey and it is a different alternate reality. Since I cannot find the normal reality this one is better. I assume people who disassociate know what I mean by alternate realities.

I know I am having a reaction to pushing myself but am so lost at the moment. I know I will get better.

I realized why I have been on a baking frenzy. It is something I can do again. I lost the thought process so much I could not even cook and now I can. I asked him how can he love me? I used to be thin and capable of causing a car wreck because I was a hottie, I was intelligent and at one time had an IQ off the charts, I was so strong and independent. Now I am an overweight housewife who probably could not do a crossword to save my life and have to hang on to the back of my husband's shirt if I brave a grocery store, and I curl up with a chicken in bed to comfort me at night.

Who am I now and what do I have to offer? OK, the last lines are rhetorical and a vent. and my original question is still that... I just went on a typing frenzy. Almost 5 AM, maybe I will shower and bake a cake. Crying is supposed to be good, why does it feel like shit?

Oh, I have to add insult to injury. For me anyway. Hubs is calling my docs. He wants me right back in therapy and at the shrink. He thinks I need to be on meds after a year getting off the damn things because of my flare up. I can get his idea on therapy though I know more about this than them I see but meds???? I DO NOT want drugs again!!! They always make it worse. But I think it is about to be forced on me which makes me feel even worse.

Veiled,

The good thing about everything you are going through......You realize it, acknowledge it, take responsibility for it.....All good shit.....

My take on things......You have been pushing yourself way too much, taking on way too much, and not enough self care. I actually wondered at one point if you were doing shit on purpose just to see how much you could handle before breaking....

You just came off of xanaz, then 2 months later you try quitting smoking along with exercise, going on a baking marathon, taking care of your family, being a Mod here...WTF.......Sounds to me like you ought to sit back and take your own advice girlfriend....SELF CARE...

#1 Throw out the booze damn it....It will only bite you in the ass later.

# 2 Throw out the xanax......Same reason.

#3 Get rid of the guns for now. You're right in doing this.

#4 Therapy might be a good option at this point.

You don't have to go back on drugs if you don't want too.

Figure out what caused the flashback, figure out the emotion you were having when going through it, and you might just get a handle on it....This works best for me....Might work for you too, who knows but worth the try....

As far as what you went threw....I have only had it happen a couple of times, scary as hell......

My suggestion....Take care of you and stop trying to be superwoman......Do baby steps....We all have to before walking real big steps....


Hugs hon, and I do hope that you feel better soon......

Wen

I think this is right on here. You take a lil' do a lil' more... Keep doing. I am so ready to run! I just want to run so damn bad! It is just so mind blowing that you can feel so much better and then fall flat out.

Xanax will always be a back up because I can handle almost all panic attacks but if it comes to the bill of almost $1000 or the pill, the pill wins. No insurance. Jack I doubt will be an issue as I said 15 years since this round. If it is another 15 I can't bitch.

Now that I think about it I am going through that time of year again. When it happened. Maybe I am having an anniversary trigger? I have to look up my old postings and see if this is when I had hard flashbacks last year. I was also on an old country road (like any other here!). I am at a loss why a frigging possum would make me flashback. F*ck I do not want to go through this flashback anniversary bullshit again.

Will try to stop being super woman though people come Thursday for the fridge. MIL is supposed to be here to do it for me now. Thanks Wendy for your no BS reply :)

Oh and I sank like a lead weight on the smoking LOL.

I looked in the diary from last year, yep, anniversary. How do I miss the frigging obvious?

Hope you are catching a nap right now.

I'm glad you didn't do yourself in! It's hard when we are in that moment, no?

I don't mind the personal bit, as you've been my lifesaver the last few days too!

As to why do you miss the obvious, well because we are in the heat of the moment. How many times has everyone reminded me that I've had too much on my plate lately? And I just can't see it. I've been doing too much, had too much shit thrown at me etc.. Your in the same boat missy.

I don't think that starting smoking right now is a bad thing. You've got enough to deal with as it is. Leave the quit smoking for more stable ground.

Give that big 'ole bear of a husband of yours a big hug for me, for being there for you.

As for the meds, it sucks. I know. I went one week and got put back on them. I'm not impressed with it either. However; Ryan, Nic and you have a point. I just am not in a place to handle everything going on right now. Look at this past weekend! I snapped and I know it. Talk to a doc about them. Consider it (not saying you have to take them) but consider it for your hubs. I'd be more than happy to go back and forth with you, on the merits of taking them or not.

Hang tough and pm me if you need me!

*hugs*
bec

Thanks you are a sweetheart

Oh that sounds so awful. I'm so sorry you're having it so tough.

To answer your question -I 'forget' flashbacks in the way you described. It's really scary.

I think therapy is a good option... not sure about meds, again, I agree that I think this is your choice. But you do need to keep yourself safe and suggest removing temptations for a while.

It's REALLY weird how anniversaries happen, whether we are conscious of them or not. I so get that too.

But is it somewhat a relief in some weird way that you may have a reason for the push over the edge that night? Hm, maybe not I don't know. But I never like not knowing WHY i've reacted really badly, just wondering if you are similar.

Maybe it's time to go over the anniversary in some way? Try to process it? Though i don't recommend that while you are not feeling safe...

Take care of you.

Veiled,


As far as the smoking goes....I admit, I am the biggest reformed smoker there has ever been. I hate them, and wish they could have been banned a million yrs ago.

I too think that the timing to quit has to be right. You have to be in control of yourself, and emotions when you try it. Everything has to be just right in order to try to quit. Otherwise you will fail..... Quitting smoking( I have been told by therapist & shrinks) is harder than quitting Heroine.... I know how hard it was for me to quit the frigging things.

Try again when you are less stressed and more in control of the PTSD......

I give you tons of credit that you at least tried......

Wen


Hope you have recovered from your night of hell.....