Veiled,

I’ve gotten the hairy eyeball from my hubby too when I was getting off my meds and had some pretty rough times. When I tried to explain that part of the whole withdrawal process was that it got worse for a while before it got better, it fell on pretty deaf ears. Between my husband and my mother pushing for me to get back on the meds, I was truly pissed the it seemed no one understood how hard it was for me to get off and stay off of the meds. I still have days that I really jones for those damned little pills. Even my therapist was pushing for me to reconsider when the withdrawal symptoms were at their worst. Just remember that no one can make you get back onto the meds. It’s your decision. Your saying you do not want drugs again…I can truly understand that. Especially after all of the shit you go through to get off of them.

Going back to your therapist might help you out. Again…your decision. If more things need to be gone through/worked through this could is the right time for this. A little extra help getting through a tough time is always needed.

Please stop tearing yourself up with the Used To Be’s. That will bring you down faster than anything. Even finding a different wording for that negative thought process will help. There are a lot of things we all used to be. Now there are a lot of things we all are. Change, in and of itself, is neither good nor bad. It’s the perception of the change and how it affects our lives. I have a mental list that I’ve changed from things I used to do and can’t do anymore to things I will do again…just not yet. May sound Pollyanna, but it works for me. I’ve actually been able to cross the ‘not yet’s’ off of a couple of items.

Cut yourself some slack, hon and take care of yourself. I know for myself, I tried the superwoman routine for years. It seemed to work until my world crashed down around my ears with my PTSD. I then found out that the only one expecting me to be a superwoman was me. That was a real bite in the ass!

Lisa

Veiled,

I hope you're doing better tonight. Lisa/Marlene, thanks for what you said about the Used to Be's - I'm struggling with that now, too. My psychologist said about the same to me this afternoon.

I just had two new flashbacks last week. I forgot one of them sometime in the last few days and still can't remember it. This stuff'll came back when we're ready. Meantime, take good care of yourself!

Hodge

I really want to say thank y'all. I am still out of it a bit. I feel like I am on a hair trigger. Meditating the shit out of myself and not working. I am knowing though this is something I will need to ride out. My eyes are so swollen and I have no clue why. I have slept but I look and feel like I have had zero.

My pets are avoiding me. I have a cat (one of them) that you can never be attentive enough to. She is now hiding from me wanting to hold and pet... She may be losing hair now LOL. Cookie who normally is up my butt during anxiety is hiding too. I think I have been stroking her too much too. Now Opal, well, poor Opal. Since she is a bird and her "safe spot" is to get closer works well for me. I can hold and pet her until the cows come home. And since she is a "furry" chicken she is nice to pet. Hubs has insisted Cookie did come curl up with me when I dozed off.

I went to hubs work and the car was parked in the back of the lot, car lot so junk cars around me and fenced. I locked all the doors and slept a few hours in the back seat. That was nice. No idea why, but it worked.

My house is trashed, yes, it only takes a day or two with a toddler. I am in a frenzy as in 45 minutes people are supposed to be here for the fridge.

I agreed to the shrink but only to look into sleeping pills. My symptoms are 10 times worse when sleep gets out of hand so I will try that route.

At this point the time from the flashback to now is real fuzzy. I know I vid chatted with bec while at hubs work. I know a guy who worked there introduced himself touched my shoulder and I wanted to fall apart. I told hubs to tell him never ever touch me. The guy is very jovial and meant no harm but I wanted to scrap my skin off. Apparently I found out that everyone there knows I have PTSD. Nice, not. I was told after work.

Well, I think I am going to try to force a shower and take an antihistamine that the box claims is a sleeping aid. I just need to be out.

Again thanks guys. Just need to not be so PTSDey right now.

Veiled,

I hope this pases soon, and you feel better...

((((((Hugs)))))


Wen

Your doing great V. Your focusing on self-care that is what is important right now. Don't worry about not remembering the last few days, I don't remember much of the last few weeks! ;)

I hope you get some sleep and ring me if you need anything!

bec

Not so good here. PTSD, the gift that keeps on giving.

OK, I learn dickhead is what situation I am "anniversarying" over. Now this was a really WONDERFUL change of pace today. Person for fridge shows up 15 minutes early (nice gesture) too damn bad my son was on time so I had to deal with them. Ack. I go lay down I think, I was in my room, maybe just staring at a wall, who knows? So doorbell rings. I get up and realize I striped down all nakedy Any way no clue how or why I was like that, maybe I was going to take my bath and forgot? OK, can't go to the door like that! And who the hell is here?

Son is at the door talking to someone. A very tall someone. A dark haired someone, a skinny someone. He looked just like dickhead. Apparently it was about the tree the storm that had just blown through and blew down on the lines in my back yard. My son ended up translating the gibberish that came out of my mouth.

Well, I guess we can cut up the tree and put it to use.

The guy just tripped me out. People stay away. And of all the times I have to have some skinny bastard about 6'6" tall show up is now?

I spoke to my mom too. Most here know that is not always a good thing and had cut her out of my life until someone gave her my phone number. She is trying to be maternal. She was being very nice. Wanting me to come and take a break and rest at her house, "You can rest, sleep in, watch TV...". She wants to take me shopping and spend time with me. If I were not a confused blubbering idiot yet, well, I am now. I told hubs and I think he thinks I hallucinated again LMAO.

OK, that is all I think. I will try to keep myself from spacing out and my clothing from disappearing... Better laugh about this, I don't want to be crying when the haul me off!

Lisa,

It is sort of comforting knowing why I am reacting as that means I know and I would think I could act to fix it. It seems more though like it is just a birthday or something, I do not want it but it will be here and it will pass.

Why I react so badly is still beyond me. I have pulled this trauma inside out. I mean nothing is left to process. So why does it do this? It drives me nuts and I really hate how I just do not see it coming. I just have no idea how to process it further. The guy is walking and got off because I delayed reporting it. I still feel hate for him never paying for this but I would expect that is normal.

Veiled,

Just a guess here....

Ok you have processed everything. You are hateful that the guy never paid for what he did.....You have turned the trauma inside out to figure things out.

Have you ever tried looking back at your emotions at the TIME your trauma was taking place??? I know that this is really really scary, but it's the one thing that has really helped me. When I have a flashback, I let it happen. I don't fight it. I then try and focus on the emotion I was having at the time of my event. As an adult now, I try and justify what I was feeling back then. If it was fear, hatred, shame or whatever emotion it was.....I find that if I focus on the emotion, and OK the emotion, the flashback ends quicker, and isn't as painful...

Don't know if I am making any sense here......I guess I am trying to say that I heal the emotion, by giving myself the permission to have felt that way at the time.....

Yea, delayed response here but I am here momentarily. Thursday I spoke of I went with hubs to work I took the xanax. There was too hard of the crash. This past weekend I am finally recovering from. I spent Sat - Tue puking my guts up non stop and bec patiently trying to talk me through days of misery.

Saturday was blind loss of control of symptoms. Everything I know that gets me through the day went out the window. As hubs put it he was poking pills down my throat to get me "back to reality" and get me rest. This Wednesday (today a few hours ago) my anxiety was cycling still hard and lost control again tonight and he said I needed to take it before we had a replay of the last several days. He said you need to get through your anniversary with help. He said my refusal of meds for days until I crash this hard is part of it as the anxiety attacks go on for so long I am too worn to even get my CBT exercises done. He said you are so scared of withdrawals again or being always on them you fight it the pills causing even more anxiety. My panic attack seems to find an all new level for almost an hour after taking them until they kick in. Just confusing. Neither one of us want me on it. But I never want it and he says I have to accept I do need it sometimes. Maybe he is trying to help me recognize a compromise? He seems to think after withdrawing a year and being off for a few months that my intense fear of addiction and pills will keep me safe from that replay.

Yes, I did an amazing in depth ripping apart of the trauma and understand the emotions involved. I even went and purposely triggered myself to pull out the emotions last year and blindly wrote what I lived and felt at the time and even uncovered things I did not recall. It was quite the break through when I did it last year. All I can guess is the really deep screwed up traumas may never go away. If my 2 major triggers are twice a year and I cannot control or remove as they are anniversaries I may just be stuck with them.

I am really not sure how to get over the anniversaries as they make me so damn ill. I have managed to do exposure and work on other triggers (I can now enjoy fires in my home with out bad recalls). I think about it and get lost in the fireplace but I am not deathly ill... But again maybe as I just started using the fireplace maybe I don't realize it could be adding to triggering as I don't feel an intense fear of it or the smoke smell now, but I am sick.

Well like I said hubs said I need my pills tonight as he saw another bad crash coming like last weekend and I needed to calm down now as I was going on hour 6 of my CBT going out the window.

Do I have to accept some triggers may never leave? Exposure won't work all the time for everything? And I am still osing time and forgetting so much I did during the day. No kids tomorrow so maybe that will help.

Oh Veiled I am so sorry that things are this rough for you right now... I never got to the point of puking with my anxiety attacks. I was already bulimic so self induced puking was a given......

I was told by a shrink once that anxiety was caused by 2 emotions. Fear or anger, and to figure out which one was causing the anxiety, and I would get over the attack quicker. This has worked for me, I wish it would work for everyone..

If you can manage your anxiety the rest of the time, it may be wise to take the meds when your anniversary dates are approaching, to help you get through, so that you aren't to the point of collapsing. Yes I know that you are afraid of getting dependent.....but you now know how bad it can be so I wouldn't worry too much.

Not sure about your triggers.......Mine I have learned to manage pretty well, through exposer, and just accepting them.... Keep working at it, and hopefully you can get to a point that you too can deal with them...


Hugs, and I wish I had more to offer you....

Wen