I can't work. Unless someone specifically says I need 10 pens. then I will go & get 10 pens, so no-one notices.

But most of my job is self-driven, in that I have to get the business. I don't do anything unless it's asked of me.

Instead, I log on to this site several times a day, google endless things about memory, abuse, ptsd etc. I'm obsessed with it. Completely obsessed.

In my head I go over & over everything, I write pages in my journal at home. I fantasise about what I will tell my therapist at our next session over & over & over again. I day dream about being attacked or my therapist attacked & how I save the day.

I can't seem to stop.

Sometimes I can't even tell you what I did for the past couple of hours.

My thoughts race.

If I try & distract by setting myself a task I can't concentrate.

And this is where meditating came in for me as I replayed every scenario in the book and alternates of my traumas. It is a training tool with using guided imagery. It teaches you to imagine what someone is telling you so you do not drift off to a danger scenario as you are being fed what to have in your head.

First, one thing I noticed many repetitive thoughts always lead down the same path. Try in your head a new script, think of it like that. When it drifts back to the old say nope this is the new. Your mind will keep dragging to horror and stay on it and keep repeating. "Bore" it. Try to force yourself to mundane tasks. Like instead of an attacker it was just a delivery guy for ink pens or paper, he reached for the sign off sheet and that was it. Keep consciously changing it.

For me the guided imagery and boring my mind forcefully helped.

I would make suggestions for work time but I have no clue what it is you are supposed to be doing during business hours.

Thanks Veiled, I know you have a lot on your plate right now so I appreciate it.

I'm now googling guided imagery! I can't stop googling. But it seems like a good idea.

My job is an account manager role. So it's all about maintaining relationships. Attending conferences, industry forums, networking. Day to day involves ringing people to make appointments to visit & promote our service. I so cannot be bothered.

I've tried setting myself a task of ringing 2 people a day. As tiny as that is, still can't do it.

I've done meditation but then stopped when I had a flashback once. Maybe I'll try the meditation again but try visualising me doing my job properly?

What form of meditation did you try when you flash backed? What were you doing? Really this makes a difference. And well, commenting and trying to help centers me and reminds me what everyone else feels when I forget. Reminders suck. I like feeling better and well sometimes feeling bad teaches me and others how to feel better if that makes any damn sense!

Just the standard sit there & concentrate on the breath.
Or occasionally to focus on a safe place (but inevitably my safe place is attacked) or a grounding aspect such as a big red balloon with a white string buried in the ground.
I found quite a bit of comfort in just concentrating on the breath though. I did it consistently until the flashback. Meditating use to also release some tears, but they were 'nice?' tears. Until that flashback.
It does make sense. Totally. I think thats why I come on here so much.
We'll figure it out.