because i can't seem to keep a lid on my symptoms anymore. no matter how careful i am, i feel like i'm just getting crazier.

i have been dealing with ptsd since my teens, for many years i was able to avoid dealing with myself... last winter i had something of a breakdown; on new years eve in the middle of a party i hallucinated that my wife and housemates were going to kill me.. the week preceding new years was full of paranoia and hallucinations... i wasn't sleeping at all then, couldn't eat and i started losing big gobs of time

immediatly after new years, i started seeing a therapist who was recommended by a friend. i saw this womyn for awhile, she recommended "desensatization therapy" it made sense, so, for the first time i put together my story in full, my abuse history that probably started when i was a year or two old. this completely freaked me out, i began to lose more time and i also started cutting and burning myself(something i haven't done since i was a kid) i kind of lost touch with reality for a bit (a few months) when i came back around, my therapist told me that our work was pretty much done, that we couldn't pick up where we left off and that i should just try to forget about what happened to me. i asked herwhat i was supposed to do about everything (hearing voices, hurting myself, panic, fear, body memories , paranoia attacks, dissociation etc) and she gave me a really blank look and said that she didn't know it was like that for me... despite the fact that was what i was talking about every week.. needless to say, i fired her, but still, in many ways i was in worse shape than i was before i saw her.

i tried therapy again, but it wasn't any more successful. this time i was stared at. the therapist barely spoke to me, except to tell me to put my feet on the floor (i understand trying to ground myself, but when my body is numb it dosen't matter where my feet are) she seemed slightly disgusted .. maybe because of the cutting, i don't know. one day i had a panic attack in her office and got rteally embarrased and paranoid because she was staring at me, so i ran out and never went back.

i tried interviewing a couple more therapists, but felt hugely misunderstood. one womyn told me i was bipolar and should be on medication for my own protection, another told me that i needed emdr (despite all i've read that clearly stated that i'm not a candidate because of multiple traumas) and that the only way to be free of mt family is to have them in my life !*#?

so, i decided i'm better off on my own, for now anyway. i'm trying to get insurence because i can't afford to pay out of pocket for therapy with anyone who could actually help me, the therapists who are affordable are just going to screw me up more. i have acupuncture twice a month and take dietary/herbal supplements.. i watch my diet and try to be aware of myself... i'm trying to keep it together, but i can't stop dissociating and i cut myself alot when i'm gone. i'm afraid i'm going to lose my job because me head is getting really loud and it makes it really hard to maintain in public. by the end of the week i'm exhausted, it takes all weekend to recover. school is hard because i'm not always all there.. so there are big holes in what i'm learning. i'm not usually llike this, i've been depressed lately, and it's scarey... i'm doing everything i can to try to be ok, but it dosen't seem to be working. not many people know i'm going through this, just a couple of friends and my wife.. i appreciate their support, but i don't want these relationships to be all about what a mess i am. i want to stop losing time and i want to stop cutting myself, but i don't know how. i feel like i look and act crazy constantly. is there anything i'm missing? is there anything else i could be doing?

my wife is also a survivor, so this is really hard on her. i feel like i'm letting her down... i want to be ok, i just don't know how.. i'm tired of being like this. i feel like my life is some big weird timeshare, and i don't get enough time in it.

sorry if this all sounds weird, i jjust don't know how else to say all of this.

anyway, thanks for reading/listening.. any suggestions would be appreciated

melissa

Hi and welcome to the forum if I haven't already said Hi....

First off, I personally have a hard time understanding the cutting and burning. I just don't get it, but that's me.....A therapist should be able to handle it, they are trained to be professional. At least I thought they were.

Not all therapist are idiots... Some are very good, the problem is finding one. I went through tons of them before I finally found one willing, and able to take me on. I would suggest that you find a qualified therapist that has been trained in PTSD trauma. That is really important.

Don't give up, keep fighting for you.....

I also went through a few therapists looking for a good fit, but I did finally find one. The major problem I had is that many of them expect the client to spill their guts in the first or second meeting. Since trust is a major part of my problem, that was not going to happen. It is perfectly reasonable to ask a therapist about their approach to a particular problem before you schedule an appointment.

Sad to admit it, but I engaged in some self-mutiliation in my teen years. I think it was a combination of anger turned inward and a feeling of being trapped. Once I moved away from my family (the source of my problem) I stopped cutting myself.

Keep searching. I hope you find the help you need!

Welcome to the forum, Melvin.

Reading some of things that your former therapists said to you is beyond outrageous! My first therapist told me that my diagnosis of PTSD was wrong since my traumas weren't bad enough and when I told her how I was feeling, she told me that I thought I was just feel that way. Needless to say she's my former therapist!

My suggestion for finding a therapist who specializes in trauma and PTSD is to call local VA hospitals or medical facilities. Also try a local university psychology/psychiatry departments, too. I just opened the phone book for these two resources and started calling and after a number of calls found a therapist who specializes.

Good luck.
Lisa

Let me start off by saying I am sorry you feel this way. I know that it is so intense and that you must be at your wits end dear. My girlfriend is my rock......sometimes i

(opps i messed that up...sorry)


sometimes I only have her to look forward to....The thought of her is the only thing that gets me through man. I also feel like I am losing it right now....but.......like stated above....don't give up this fight on you sweetie...Your stronger than you know.....I will pray for you.....Keep your head up!


Geneva