I'm 4.5 years out from my trauma and 3.5 years out from my worst breakdown point, yet I barely function.

I occasionally have a good day when I get done what I think most people do in half a day, or what I pre-trauma could do in half a day.

I cannot work or do anything that has a "deadline" ... the pressure of even committing to be at, for example, my church Christmas dinner on a certain date is something I have to struggle with. But lately I have been managing to get my kids to their gym and skating lessons pretty well.

But I cannot prepare meals regularly or get into any housekeeping routine at all. I only go to the grocery store about once a month because I keep trying to make a list but never do and then finally I go because we're desperate so I buy what's on sale and go home with no meal plans at all ... just a bunch of odd stuff.

And I'm NOT trying to say I'm worse off than anyone else on this board .... but I read where many/most ?? of you work and/or go to school and seem to function out in the world somehow and maybe even at home. I don't function very well anywhere at all.

Am I just sicker than I want to think I am and should stop feeling this constant guilt for never getting things done or organized and being unreliable and unable to commit because I know I probably won't follow through??

Is it me in a rut of habit from ptsd?? Or is it actually ptsd?? I was never a slacker before my trauma.

I know this sounds rambling and confused, but that's my current state. Sorry.

FLF

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I don't know why some of us can work, while other can't. For me... I didn't have the choice. I had to work, so I did. I am grateful that I can. It's my escape. If I couldn't work... I don't know.

You on the other hand, are where you are. You do what you can, when you can. Are you sicker than others???? I don't know. All I know is that all of us do what WE can at any given time, and leave the rest for later.

All I can say is do what you can, when you can...Try to push yourself a little. It sometimes helps to get out of your comfort zone for a little bit. Feels crappy, but it does help.

Thanks for replying.

I guess I'm looking for a way to feel less guilty about how much I cannot/do not do. I think maybe the energy of the guilt-cycle in my mind adds to the robbing me of energy for actually doing things ... like a vicious circle. See what I mean?

I do what I can, when I can, and THAT feels like I'm pushing myself. Just leaving my bedroom is leaving my comfort zone. Sometimes it helps, but if I keep it up for too long ... like having several "productive" days in a row ... there is a major price to pay by having several completely incapacitated days in order to "regroup".

I'm so tired of this tiring treadmill of inactivity and guilt. But it's been a few years ... shouldn't I be doing better than this by now ... WILL I ever be doing better than this?? OMG! What if this is IT as far as recovery??



FLF

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We all have those days of please tell me this is not as good as it gets. Yes, I sit in amazement at how much others can do. They go do things. I cannot work, if I "had no choice" I would be living under a bridge, simple as that.

A few very far and few between days I have made it to the store with my husband not leaving my side, and have even driven to the lake. One very long country road with no turns. I tried to pick my son up from school for a week, and I got too sick. MIL brings him home and hubby drops him off.

I love to cook but sometimes I can't. Hubs picks up slack or we have easy to make meals. Emotional and mental turmoil can wear us out a great deal, it is not laziness.

FLF, I can't speak for you specifically but I do know that some people have more severe symptoms than others. For me, I was diagnosed on the severest end of the scale in every category of diagnostic criteria. I have never been able to hold down a "normal" job for more than a few days. The only kind of work I have been capable of up to this point is something that I may do from my home with no pressure or deadlines. And right now I can't even do that. I can go for days being immobilized and unable to do much at all. In my case it's not a matter of laziness, I am simply too phobic to do certain things regularly; it takes too much emotional and physical energy. If I pushed myself too hard I would get very ill, very quickly. That's not to say I don't ever try to improve, but from previous bad experience I know to go slow and not push myself too hard.

Even when I was living on my own (I live with my family now) and needed the money to live, I still could not work. It was definitely not a matter of choice for me. When I didn't have money, I ended up in a homeless shelter for a few weeks. There I was assisted to apply for welfare. Without the existence of welfare or disability I likely would have ended up on the streets.

You aren't lazy. You wouldn't call yourself lazy if you had cancer and couldn't accomplish things. PTSD is an illness too, and it effects our abilities to accomplish everyday tasks. I understand the feeling of "is this as good as it gets" too. I get that every so often, I wish I could be better than I am and able to do some of the things others can.

Thanks for replying, veiled and batgirl.

Your posts actually make me feel a little better. Maybe I don't read enough of the forum to find where people mention they are years out from the trauma and still so incapacitated. I get the sense most people who are out of work are closer in time to the event(s) and in the earlier stages of "recovery". But I could be wrong because my swiss cheese memory doesn't hold onto who's doing what when.

You made me feel not quite so alone. Thank you.

FLF

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FLF,
I know how you feel, it took me quite some time a while back ago to do just about anything, and there are still times when this will come back to haunt me. Just a couple months ago, I had a sort of relapse and struggled majorly with just taking the trash out at night, ( I am terrified of darkness, not used to this still). So yes some of us do get out, but for some of this we either have to or through time have just learned how to manage with this.
splost

I think you have emotional fatigue. Very real as you can see, and it will affect you physically and mentally.

My personal experience is that the emotional fatigue is brought on by anxiety and panic attacks. Anxiety makes it difficult to concentrate on what I need to do. Panic attacks drain me physically and emotionally to the point of being completely dysfunctional (useless) for a period of time afterward. I am able to work, but I don't think those who can't are lazy; I think they have more severe symptoms.

As with all things, PTSD has a range of symptoms. Some people are mild, some moderate and some severe with PTSD. We will all vary within that range. I have the severe end. I have no choice but to not work. I was faced with starving to death and living in a paper box and I still had no choice there. It was not work or croak from the stress. This is not laziness. This is part of PTSD. Some of us just have no choice over the work thing.

Don't beat yourself up over this. Learn what your limits are. You can not compare them to another person with PTSD as we all vary with our range and severity of symptoms and you will just beat yourself up over it.

bec