Flylady, one thing I have learned from my time here is that each of us is unique. Yes, there is a "scale" of symptoms that we might experience, but each of us is different in how the core problem (PTSD) will affect us.

Think of it this way: will a single dress fit exactly the same way on two different women? No, of course not. It is the same dress, but their figures are different, so the fabric will pull in some places on one woman, and lay loose in spots on the other. PTSD is the same way. The parts that pull tightly on you, may lay loosely on someone else. It's still PTSD. It's just a question of how your brain and body "wears" it.

You and I sound very similar. I am also not able to hold a job. I have tried and I end up just like becvan. Also, as described above, if I have a series of 2-3 really good/productive days (which are average by the pre-trauma standards, but I'm not that girl anymore) it just sucks the tar right outta me, and I need 5-6 days to rest and regroup. Literally 3 days of that is in bed, sheer exhaustion, sleeping, feeling like a dead weight, zero oomph, zero drive. The ceiling could cave in and I couldn't care less.

But this is a step up from having NO productive days. What a great accomplishment that is -- another milestone achieved! Productive days! Wahoo!! I have been working hard to grab hold of those days when they arrive and RUN with them. Heaven only knows how long they'll last, how soon I will be forced back under my rock... :)

As for this "I have no choice but to work" discussion... I don't think we are ever going to resolve this between us. Those who have found they are able to work, believe they do so because they have to. I understand that their perception of having "no choice" is what drives them through their hurdles. I perceive that as being able to... they have a capability to work through their demons (or set them aside, or whatever) and go to their job and do what they are paid to do. I think that is phenomenal and I am so glad for them that they have that strength and ability. They are so blessed!!!

I have tried to do what they do. I have tried desperately. I too have bills to pay and no alternative but to pay them. That "inspiration" does not work to break down my "roadblocks" and make it possible for me to work. I wish it would!! Instead I go into terrible flashbacks and suffocating meltdowns. By day three working, I am a basket case, quivering, shaking, terrified, wadded up in a ball in bed, crying, charred people and gored-out house pets flying through my head... I can not work a traditional outside-the-home job.

I am behind on my bills like nobody's business. I am lucky, the ONLY reason I haven't landed in the street on my butt is an exceedingly accommodating landlord. I am getting better able to cover my rent in a timely way (through part-time work at home) and as I get better, I know that I will be able to pay more and more bills. I'm doing all I can though, so some things are just falling further behind. If it comes to the point where the cut the electric then I guess I will have to move out. I know what I cannot do. I know what my limits are. I don't print the money myself; I can't just invent it and I am not superhuman enough to just bust right through my worst triggers.

Everything you describe, flylady, are things I have felt or experienced. They are normal PTSD symptoms. Please do not feel weird or unusual. You are NOT lazy or incapable or any of those other malicious and UNDESERVED labels we are so fond of tagging on ourselves. You are a woman of good work ethic. You are a woman of good stature. You are putting your all into getting through this moment as best you can... and the next, and the next. You can only do your best. If you felt better, you would be up and bouncing around and loving it!!


Maybe this will help. In NASCAR racing, in post-race interviews, the drivers will get out of their race cars and say things like, "we had a 15th place car today." A winning race car is a rarity. A race car is never perfect-handling all the time. Race cars always have problems. They chatter the front tires in some turns, they fishtail out of others, they come down too hard on the right tires at times and that makes the tires wear unevenly. The crews have to keep adjusting the dozens of levers and springs and things they can change, and the drivers have to keep adjusting their driving style to try to find where the car performs the best. But at the end of all of that, they might still only have a 15th place car.

Sometimes we are only 15th place cars. Some days, we are a 30th place car. Some days we have to retire from the race early, in last place, pack the car in the semi and go home. (Those are the days we can't get out of bed, LOL)

The point of this is to encourage you to embrace the best of what you've got. Some days are going to be great days, and other days are going to suck. This is PTSD. If you've only got a 20th place racecar, be happy if you can actually finish in 20th place with that car. 20th is way better than finishing last. :) And in that case, finishing 20th with that 20th place race car means that you achieved your full potential of what you were dealt -- which is awesome!!!! THAT is an accomplishment!

And lest you think that I have all the answers for this or anything (NOT!) please rest assured that I will be back to re-read my own words when I am having a bad day. I totally lose sight of these things on bad days. That's not unusual either. Try to be patient with yourself. You will heal, but it is slow. And remember that not every win is a 1st place finish. Sometimes it is a matter of just accepting the capabilities of your car and doing what you can with it. :)

For those who don't get into racing ........ sorry.

:D Bailey

Damn, you could not put it better. Must be why I yanked moderation off you after that read, could not pull you out quick enough reading that. Wonderful posting and a good read for us used to being here. Welcome aboard, Bailey.

Bailey, That was awesome, very inspired, and glad to have you on board with the rest of us. Shane

Great post!!!!!

Bailey, your post was magnificent. Thank you!!

vst

Hi Bailey....I too, have thought that I was lazy, at times. Having family members say it just took me longer to realize that this is something, I....truly am not. We have a disorder that makes it hard to function sometimes but we have to learn how to manage the symptoms.

I was a workaholic to cope. I somehow functioned very well and put myself through nursing school and have been in supervisors positions. Today, I no longer wrok (after 10 years full time and 4 years of school) Today...having a shower, making the beds, doing the dishes is an accomplishment. Now, I pat myself on the back for most things I do. i finally forgave myself for having this illness...I know it is not my fault. I try to have a small list of things that need to be done and I have to PUSH myself to do all of it but I do it. It helps to reward yourself for even the smallest things...it has helped me.
Please take care.

Pandora- Reading your post made me feel just a little better. I coped with my trauma by putting myself through nursing school, working, putting myself through grad school, teaching nursing school...then the bottom fell out.
I used to be able to do SO much...and now I can't even fathom how I did it all. I feel like I used 50 years of energy in 10, but I still have to keep going. After working as a nurse for so long, there are days I do feel downright lazy. All three kids are school-aged and I don't work anymore.
I am trying to get to the point of accepting my limitations...but I am not so good at that.

Wow this has been good for me to read today. Flylady... and everyone else who has similar issues with inactivity... I am the same. Especially right now. Over the years, I have had periods where it has been better, and periods when it's been so awful. I never feel I am at the 'full speed' I want to be at. I have to constantly re-jig my 'lists' of things to do, sometimes to just one thing, sometimes to five things a day... because it totally depends on the day for me. And it's important not to put too much on your list to do, if you set goals too high.. because then you will just fail and feel worse, or do even less than you probably could.

When I have tried to do as much as I WANT to do rather than what I know I CAN do, I have either miserably failed, or ended up really suffering for it. Deadlines are a nightmare for me too... and as a student this is not good! All through my 2nd year, and now again in my 3rd year, I have had to have extensions and special accommodations, and even with those it has been REALLY hard. Because I just never know when I'm going to be able to do the work I need to do, and how long for. For years I thought it was laziness, self-discipline issues... but I'm now being told not to be so hard on myself. Now I know I have PTSD, it is easier to cut myself some slack. I used to get myself into right states, thinking I was just lazy, then I'd hate myself etc. But I know that I'm not lazy... because I WANT to do more! I WANT to function better! If I had my way, I'd be manic and doing 4 things at once all day long... but that's unreasonable. Even 'normal' amounts are unreasonable to me... because before I get out of bed, my cup is already nearly full with PTSD crap.

So when I get a productive day, I take FULL advantage. Because I live with the uncertainty and a sense of lack of control over my own productivity. The funny this is... I am a perfectionist. I am organised, usually motivated, and everything that a 'productive person' should be...just without the production sometimes/often! The killer for me is to get the most out of myself I have to keep myself in a very predictable, constant environment where my only problem is my mind. Then I can deal with enough to get what I need out of myself. It then has a positive impact on me, I start to want to socialise more, and I get better at actually planning my days and doing them. Much like my earlier childhood... i was a little obsessive over schedules.

The problem with this is... it only works enough when my only stress is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When I only have PTSD to deal with I still have bad periods and good periods, but they are not as long and enduring. But life doesn't work like that... if I get too much other stress, especially other personal or traumatic stress... I'm left incapable to function on any normal scale, and I simply can't seem to get on with what I need to do. And worse than that, the turmoil can go on for days/weeks/months and I don't know how long. At the moment, I am in your boat with this, and my degree is hanging in the balance (again). So you are not alone. I cannot even plan ahead more than a few days socially, because I don't know if on that day what state I will be in and if it will be one of those days where it is not a good idea to try to go out and be sociable and entertaining.

As for working... I have had some problems too with that. I'm only 22, and have been studying most of my life, and luckily that's okay as I have accommodation and loans in order to study. Once I've done my degree, if I can't manage working, I'm in the shit. In the past, even part time jobs were a problem to me at times... there were only two jobs I have ever had that worked for me, one part time, and the other full time for 5 months before I started uni. and I suspect that was because those times were better periods for me. I would start a job, and leave within weeks. Crash, then try another job. The only job that worked for me was one where I had deadlines, but the work environment left me to my own devices without someone standing over my shoulder all the time.

Are we lazy? No. I spend SO much time and energy TRYING to concentrate, TRYING to do what I have planned to do. Sometimes it can take me HOURS to muster up the courage to do a simple household task. Just because productivity is not happening, it doesn't mean that you are lazy... just that you have a lot of PTSD energy and emotion using up your mental and physical energy. Without stress (and PTSD is post traumatic stress), all that energy would be used externally. At the moment, all your energy is going internally because PTSD is using it up.

I cannot remember the last time I had a "lazy day"... by that I mean, watching a mindless film, slouching about and doing nothing. However, at the moment I spend days on end in my room doing nothing. But my mind is constantly thinking... my body and emotions are constantly doing something. Even when I'm sleeping. If I was lazy, I would be enjoying this right? Except I spend all day trying and failing, and worrying, and sometimes self-hating, and feeling awful. I try to take each day as it comes, and do as much as I can. I still push myself... but it takes understanding that sometimes doing very little IS pushing you, because otherwise you would do nothing at all.

I do think concentration and activity in whatever form is like a muscle, and needs to be exercised and built up, even if it is starting with just 5 minutes reading. But you also have to take into account that PTSD is fluid - some days are better than others, and some days it is just not going to happen. But some days, there is more room to do more. To be diagnosed with PTSD, you have to have impaired functioning on different levels, socially etc. That is part of PTSD, and why it is a disorder. So the bottom line is as you try to work through your trauma, and PTSD starts to gets better, everything else will too.

Wow Lisa, I swear you must have installed some spycams in my apartment. :) LOL !!! You have described my life to a "T". Spending days on end in my room, in bed, doing nothing, but my mind is non-stop and I am exhausted. Or spending hours (days???) mustering up the courage to do a simple household task, UGH!! Good thing you cannot see my home. I took out 2 bags of garbage yesterday, I was sooooo proud of myself !!! (And the other 70% of me says, 'it's about time, what took you so long, was it really THAT hard?' *sigh* The self-criticism never ends.)

What frustrates me most is how "normal" people just DO NOT understand this. I am battling a wholesale supplier right now that is refusing my business because my PTSD has caused a few customer service issues with my business. Well, I was closed for a few months. Just flat-out closed, because I couldn't deal with it AT ALL. They don't get that. I am doing better now so I have re-opened for 4th quarter (and I am in contact with all customers now, have sent out a whole passel of orders and am resolving everything that had come up), but they have shut me off. They are my top supplier and their product is one-of-a-kind, very much so... I can't just get it from someone else, there is no one else. :( What do I do???? It is hard enough not judging myself, but when I have outsiders behaving boorishly about my illness, gosh how do you answer that?!



It ain't a fun ride, that's for sure.

:) Bailey