It pains me that I must start this thread, as this should be common sense to all, however; it seems many do not quite grasp the fact that PTSD is indeed an illness, and a very serious one at that - the most serious of the anxiety disorders, and the most deadly. Many simply do not survive; this is sadly the case in my family, as two of my PTSD sufferers are deceased - one from suicide, and the other from drunk driving as a direct result of PTSD. My third PTSD sufferer, my daughter, is still living however we have had some close calls with her. Though doing well at the moment, in the past she has engaged in risk-taking behaviours which could have proved deadly, and additionally she has made several suicide attempts.

She works very dilligently upon herself, and we give her full credit for that. However, part of the reason she is doing well now is also because of my husband and I, and other family. We are supportive of her. We certainly do not try to sabotage her healing nor exact revenge upon her for having hurt us, and believe me, she has hurt us, very deeply at times. She ran away from us for several years, we lost contact with her completely, and at one point we thought her dead. It was most difficult, and we were both angry and frightened for her. However now that we are reunited, it is water under the bridge. She has an illness, we accept that, and we do not wish to make matters worse for her by constantly reminding her of her past transgressions. She carries far too much guilt on her own; we needn't add to it.

No matter how upset you are with your PTSD sufferer, no matter what they have done to you and your family in the past, if you truly care about them, please do not make matters worse for them. Doing so is playing with fire. You may think you have the right to revenge, however; your sufferer, no matter what they have done, is already in extreme pain - guilt, depression, extreme stress, not to mention flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance and other anxiety symptoms in the extreme. Any anxiety which you yourself feel currently, they feel tenfold. There is no comparison. This is why they are diagnosed with an illness and you are not.

Ask yourself the following: Do you really wish to push your sufferer to the point of self-harm? How would you feel if they attempted suicide after being pestered or pushed by you? This is a very real possibility if you push them too far. Yes, it is their choice to end their own life, however do you honestly wish to have a part in that? What if your sufferer is the father or mother of your children? How will your children will feel in future if you have helped to destroy the life of their parent, and intentionally so? If you still feel justified in getting your revenge against them, then my suggestion is no contact until such time as you are able to control yourself. Yes you have been hurt, some of you have been hurt very badly, and I comprehend that as it has happened to me as well. However, from sad experience, I know that being right and getting even is not worth the life of my PTSD sufferer. When they are gone forever, it is too late.

My daughter recently quoted Dr. Phil, and I will as well: "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Do you wish to be part of the problem, or part of the solution? Do you wish to wallow in self-pity, or do you wish to take the high road and make a positive difference in your family? Your choice.

ETA: Oh, and I suppose I should say, I have my daughter's permission to write about her here, so worries there. She has seen what I have written and is fine with it.

Kathy, thank you for a very moving post. I find it sad it has to even be said, these things, as so much information is given here freely on the matter of our disorder. Many here can tell you we walk a very fine line when it comes to suicide, self included. I carry many regrets for some of my actions my husband truly forgives me for and daily holds me up the best he can when I can't. He knows I am ill. He knows I did not ask for this or want to be like this. Does not change he loves me and will care for me in sickness and in health. My good days are days our marriage is heaven as he won't hold a grudge from when my symptoms flare up and rage and self destruction tries to take me over. If it were not for him I would already have been dead. If he treated me badly as to "get back at me" for being an ass, he knows I would likely end up dead. PTSD is not a game and it is not something to be taken lightly. This is a very deadly disorder as you sadly are very well aware. My husband has consumed as much as he can to understand what it is and how it works. He knows some things cannot be controlled all the time (like my side of family), but we are a team and we work hard together and he never gives up.

Sorry, I got long winded.

As Veiled said Kathy a very moving post! I know that if I said to hubby thats it I am out of here he would go downhill very fast.
He did this last year and contemplated suicide after things were not good between us this is the way life is and yes I could not bear to think that me pushing or nagging him could hurt him in the long run.

Nothing knew to me.... I ex was typically the one who was not supportive, instead felt better creating the illness within me. Well said Kathy.... maybe a few spouses who are leaning of track might have a good hard look at themselves and get back on the road to self happiness instead of bitterness.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you so I'm doing all I can to learn... Love you Anthony

I did also want to agree with others in saying what Kathy wrote was very moving while sad that it had to be pointed out.

It is this very point why I am here on this forum, to try to come to a better understanding of PTSD and support my partner. I think some carers have lost sight of this and it is good that Kathy has aptly reminded everyone.


I feel very strongly about this as it definitely is having a big impact on my life at present. Please, if you are angry and bitter with your ex partner (or PTSD suffer) please find somewhere healthy to process it and move on rather than placing a PTSD suffer at risk. I know I want Anthony to be around for a long time and think it is very cruel and selfish for anyone to place him in a position of danger from over stressing him with malicious situations.

Thank you Kathy.. I think it is hard to not come here just to vent sometimes. Carers tend to take the normal happy times for granted and only when they are upset and need to vent do they talk most. Its also harder with the sight of big holidays coming up on us and relationship issues so new. We need to remember its better for every one to be happy and try and support the happyness rather then the badness.

I read your post earlier Kathy and I had to have a good cry and leave the forum for a bit. It was a very moving post and I could only wish that all carer's got that point. Unfortunately they don't.

As both a sufferer and a carer, I understand both view points and both challenges that encompass dealing with PTSD.

Let me drive this point home: As a carer, what you suffer, is little more than a pebble in your shoe, compared to a sufferer.

I am personally disgusted with the attitude that the sufferer is "doing" this to them and that the carer is being victimized. Also the attitude that the sufferer needs to suffer for what "they are doing" is equally disgusting and disturbing.

I have a twelve year old son with full blown PTSD and I would never consider acting nor thinking in the manner that is regularly presented by some carers. It would drive my son over the brink very very quickly.

My son can not help what he feels. He can not undue the damage that his trauma has done to him. He can not undo the PTSD. He does not pass out to hurt me. He does not be "lazy" and refuse to do things to hurt me. He does not lash out in anger to hurt me. He does not shut me out to hurt me. He doesn't do anything to hurt me. He is hurt. He suffers. It is all he can do to manage his own damn symptoms without having to worry about getting punished for being sick.

I worry every day if I am being helpful enough. Am I being supportive enough? Am I fostering an environment that is safe and secure to help him learn, challenge and grow in? I worry about HIM.

I know how real the threat to life is. As a sufferer, I have attempted suicide. I have had to remove myself from my home and be around supportive friends just to keep myself alive for a few more hours. I have struggled with heart problems, health problems on top of depression and suicidal thoughts. I know as my son's carer, he does too.

The very point of being a carer is that you care about your loved one that suffers. You put them first, not yourself. You make sacrifices for their benefit. If you can not do this, leave that relationship immediately.

This is an incurable, LIFE THREATENING disorder that has taken at least one of our members lives, carer's family members and leaves the rest of us sufferers fighting for our own.

It is time for all carers to grasp this and do what is best for their sufferer.

bec

I saw nowhere anyone poo pooing on venting. What I saw was not make someone with PTSD worse off with most carers being a healthy person and can.

Thanks Mum, that really was a moving post. I don't have much to say as these days my brain is mush, however this post just proves once more how lucky I am to have you. Thank you so much for all you do for me.

This is a really good point Bec. I even forgot this point myself, but it is true! A forum member has died, my brother Brian. Brian is not just someone who people have heard about on this forum through my family, he was a member here, he posted, people interacted with him and he was even in the chatroom as I recall. He was here 2 days before he died. I'm sorry if it freaks anyone out to say so, but I really think it's important for the carers to realize. The possibility of death for a sufferer is a lot closer than some of you may think. There may be other members who are deceased as well. Remember that the next time any of you feel like "getting even" with your sufferer.