I am about ready to just give up. I am so fustrated with all my papers for my English class. I am already confused about my own family on top of that I am dealing with confusion about my papers. I either get compliments on my paper which is no help, because I know there is something academically
wrong with it. Others who give few suggestions, but nothing helpful. I working towards an A paper.

It took me four years to have the courage to take another English class. The first semester of English I had panic attacks, second semester another English class, I dissociated, I did put all my effort into each paper to make it the best I could. I ended up in one step down from the psychatric hospital where I was put on an antipsychotic medication, which I should not have been on the first place and ended up in the emergency room for three hours, that was a scary experience. Took me a week to get over the dystonic drug reaction, over the counter benydral to make sure I did not relapse. The instructor saids she would extend the papers, but turns out at the end of the semester she marked the paper late, which I felt betrayed. She made a 101 excuses why I did not diserve an A, (To me my abusers give me many excuses why they abused me. I was even though I was a tenth of a point away from an A. She validated my abusers value, that no mater what I did I am not good enough. Four years later I am finally facing my fear of taking my last English class, this time with a male instructor. The stress of worry about the paper, at times I become very fearful to the point I become terrified that the paper that I did not do the assignment correctly.

The comments the instructor four yeas ago told me is "I don't give a student who doesn't decieve an A." All the hard work and effort I put in I was still not good enough. Guess my abusers were right no matter what I do I will never be good enough.

My abusers are not right my opinion does matter. I am just worn down and fustrated.

why is it so important that you get an A. An A isn't what will make you alright. A B proves your abusers wrong. A c even proves them wrong. You going to school and trying to improve. proves them wrong. We don't have to be perfect. Its so weird that is coming from me... I feel like I have to have the best store in the district. I'll work 100 hours when we are getting a corperate visit. I can't wait to stop being a workacoholic. I think I'm on that path missed 2 days the week of thanksgiving.

Thats true everything you wrote, no matter what grade I get I prove my abusers wrong.

I guess I strive for an A, but satisfied with a B.

I think that us surviving this disorder and keeping going one day at a time is proving so much to those that hurt us. I'm not sure how many abusers i had. think it might be as high as 6. didn't think I would ever know who they were but I think its going to be coming out soon unless I give up on this recovery, go back to the drugs or go back to being a workacoholic, might even go away if I start smoking again. thats so weird that the nicotine has so much power for me. can't really remember when I started smoking. did remember that I was sneaking in bath room in 5th grade to smoke. nicotine was the first drug I used. Hardest one for me to get off too.

I recently chose to stop working on my PhD in Nursing because I was miserable if I got anything less than an A. Even with an A...I was always looking for what I could do better. When I was almost hospitalized for Anorexia in June, I finally realized that I was not going to find what I was looking for in the grades I made or the degrees I received.

As ironic as it sounds...getting the A's was literally killing me. For most people, it is a great accomplishment and they are proud of it and then go on. When you have PTSD, I think there is always something you are trying to prove to yourself and your abuser(s).

Having taught at the college level myself, I know that some professors have major issues themselves. I think a lot of it stems from past abuse and they take on a position that gives them power over others. I could go on and on with stories of students who were so close to an A (and really deserved it)...but the professor refused to round an 89.98.

Yet, when I put myself in the student role, I forget that part of it and get wrapped up in what the PTSD is telling me and driving me to do. It always amazes me that the same feelings of inadequacy come up when I get into an academic or professional setting. I guess I feel like I am so inferior that I have to work so much harder than everyone else to simply earn my keep.

On the flip side, I can very easily say to you that a B is AWESOME!! You worked very hard for it and think of everything you learned and overcame this semester. It is truly remarkable...yet very difficult to see for yourself when you are dealing with PTSD.