MY BF is overseas for his 2nd time in iraq. He and I were doing so well, having been gone for 6 months when suddenly out of nowhere he said we need a break and I havent spoken in 6 wks. I believe he has PTSD or is getting it as before he left he broke down with me about going back and he has big anxieties. Then for him one day while over there to be like I am so in love with you and I finally found everything I ever wanted in someone to I need a break just made no sense to me. We talked all the time and I noticed he stopped being online as much and started sayign he was tired which when he breaks down he always wanted to sleep. Well he wrote me on day and says he is having trouble with his anxieties but everything will be ok and then 5 days later he needs a break and cuts me off. He took my pics down from his mysapce page can moved me off his front page. At home he would never do something like that. He is so loyal and loving so I am not sure how to get him to come back around to himself or to open up....I write him all the time and say I am here for you. I love and miss you. He reads them and doesnt reply but when I leave him love comments he leaves them up and doesnt delete them. It all is confusing for me. Do you have any insight on what may have happened and why he would so suddenly need to cut me off and all he could say is he needs to think about what he wants to do with the rest of his life when a few weeks before we were on the same exact page. Please help if you can. I have done so much to stand by him and so I have been sick for 6 wks now not knowing what to do. We were so in love and have known each other since we were teenagers in school.

Hi,

My advice is the same as already given.... there is not way to say whether he has PTSD or not. He could have endured something that has shaken him, who knows. You have to ask him and speak with him. If he is acting out of character, then you need to have him address it, as only he can help himself. Nothing you do will help him. I know that is tough, but it is fact. Nothing you do or say will change anything in his mind at this time. He needs to help himself first, and unfortunately you are a casualty of all this.

Ok. Thanks...thats really the problem is he isnt speaking and its been 6 weeks. I suppose all I can do is be here and make sure he knows I havent gone anywhere and I love him. I only say he has PTSD because he mentioned to me that he thought he had it before he left when he was breaking down, still obviously affected from the first deployment and just from reading symptoms, although the only drug he has ever tried is cigarette's. I am just worried about his safety and life. I do appreciate the help.

Myaleah, I am Kathy's daughter, I'm 24 and I have PTSD. I've been reading yours and some other's threads in here and I wanted to comment. As everyone has said there's no way to know if your boyfriend has PTSD or not unless he gets evaluated and gets a diagnosis. But I do know, if he does have PTSD and is obviously not in treatment yet, any kind of relationship you have with him is going to be very up and down, and very difficult for you. I know because before I started working on my issues, I had a hard time being with anyone, family or friends. I avoided my family a lot. I could only stand so much attention, even if it was positive attention. Even now I have trouble if friends email me too much even, or if my family talks to me too much, and so on. Sometimes I am just so stressed and tired and I need to be alone. If people bother me when I'm in that state, I get really agitated and try to avoid them even more. I've actually stopped being friends with people before, when they've pushed me too hard, asked me too many questions, wanted to talk too often and so on. I've blocked tons of people from MSN, facebook, etc... because I just couldn't stand them contacting me all the time. I stopped being friends with lots of people without any explanation, even good friends, and ended up really hurting them.

I'm not saying what I did was right, but at the time, my PTSD was unmanaged and honestly, all I could think of was, what can I do that causes me the least amount of pain? Because PTSD is really painful. You're in a constant state of stress. Anything you can do to lessen the stress, you will do, even if that means avoiding people who care. It sounds selfish maybe, but think about times when you've been really sick. Do you want another people around you, or do you want to be left alone? PTSD is a sickness, and sometimes you feel worse than other times.

If your boyfriend does have PTSD, it's up to him to get the help he needs. You can be there for him but he has to do the work. He will get better if he works on himself but it's long process. Anyways I just wanted to share that with you, I know we aren't easy people to get along with. Hope things get better for you and your boyfriend.

this is extremely useful information- thanks for sharing- I have similar concerns with my friend

Very well shared Evie. I wish you and the other sufferers would share more often, as you often have very insightful things to say!

Yes. I appreciate that. Do you mind my asking if you experienced the same things (maybe not exactly but you know) where my BF was one day saying he is finally glad he found the right person and how blessed he is and how much he loves me and wants me to move with him when he comes back and then suddenly drops to I think we need a break. i need to think abotu my life. Like, did you go from one extreme to another. To me it feels like something big or traumatic must have triggered this and as I said he is reading my messages and leaving my love comments up on his myspace but not writing back yet. I sent him a 2 ft christmas tree for his trailer and ornaments and christmas cookies I baked. He is normally a very sentimental and extremely loving man and he is almost shut off it seems. Its like he is someone else....He has an 18 day leave coming in January but I am scared for him to return after that with his actions showing he is not healthy emotionally. I am scared he wont see me and talk to me about it but I keep reassuring him I love him and am here and I cant wait tosee him, hoping with how serious we were he will not beable to be 10 min from me and come by. I so appreciate any perspective from someone with this disorder I can get so thank you....

Okay wait..

He's asked you for space and needs a break.. so you send him "love" messages, x-mas trees and baked goods.

Well.. if he has PTSD... you just ensured he's going to avoid you as you've now shown him you don't respect his boundaries. If he doesn't have PTSD, still the same scenario.

Whether or not he has this disorder, your not showing him any respect at all by doing this.

Secondly, even if he has PTSD, that doesn't mean it even factors into breaking up with someone. For some reason.. many carers seem to think that since we have PTSD, we can't make a decision. This is a possibility that he just doesn't want to be in a relationship for any number of reasons.

Thirdly, we don't have to experience something traumatic to have a mood swing or change are minds.

This man is in a war zone right? It doesn't take much tv to watch to realize how bad it is over there. Maybe truly.. he just needs some space.

Sorry if this sounds mean.. but really.. there are more options than just PTSD here.

bec

people (with or without ptsd) sometimes get scared taking that kind of decision, and change their minds. it could be that. it could be almost anything!

what i'm trying to say here is that you won't know unless he speaks to you, and he might not speak to you unless you stop sending trees.

it's easy for people to think that we do what we do because we're scarred and scared. but sometimes it's not that we're running because of out traumas, it's just that we realize we want something else for us.

anyway, i wish you the best and hope he talks to you soon.

OK, I hope being a person with PTSD I can add my 2 cents. I think it is nice everyone is trying to be nice and supportive. Now can we just get blunt? Having PTSD does not mean you cannot think for yourself and lose the ability to make a choice about relationships. This is with PTSD. What you describe is not PTSD. It is stress. You mention him having anxiety about going to Iraq. Who would not have anxiety and some symptoms of stress if they are even half way in their right mind? I mean this is human, not an illness! He may be the majority who is not made permanently ill.

Now that said... You really sound from what you describe yourself as is pestering the heck out of him. Really, think about it. I mean being in love is great, but the guy is in Iraq. He has bigger fish to fry right now. I would say he is being a butt head but he is not home, he is in a war zone!

Some guys are a pain. Lots of men and women change their minds. They avoid the ex. The ex does not get a clue. If he said that "if he gets distant and does this to hang on"... I do not see a sick guy. I see a typical guy. I do not want you but I do not want anyone to have you either! This is a common game many non PTSD people do. I won't say mentally healthy as many people who do not have this are still not in a good spot in their own head.

What I see is low self esteem on your side and him being a typical guy on one hand and on the other a normal human at war time who really does not need a clingy person. He has to worry about himself right now. And he should, he deserves that if that is what he needs as he is doing a helluva hard job right now. I just do not see PTSD anywhere in what you describe, just normal reactions. Sorry, but I did not see anyone being as blunt about it as I thought they should be.

While people think us with this are not there mentally, we are not beyond thinking for ourself and making choices, if he even has this, which I do not see you describing at all honestly.