as a carer- who has been shut out regularly - it's good to hear the harsh reality and the truth. unfortunately, i canrelate to what anthony has written. i think it's time (for me) to cut my losses. i appreciate everyone's honesty. good luck with your decisions myaleah.

I just wanted to say Myleah (sorry if that is spelt wrong) that you seem to be defending yourself more than you are defending him IMO. You say that you won't really cut ties completely because he told you not to; seems to me that you are giving us an excuse not to cut ties, especially after he told you he needed his own time/space. What Anthony says is very true in that he is definitely not the same as he was then.
If you want people's advice and everyone is telling you the same thing, then why aren't you following it. DOn't get me wrong, I now it must be hard especially with him being in such a dangerous place and so far away. I think it is actually harder for you to cut ties with him then it was for him to ask you.
In my experience, when my partner asks for his space and I give it to him, for however long, he will usually come back. However, we have had some really big problems at the times when I have not respected his wishes, as it makes him feel as though I am undermining his ablity to know what he needs and wants.
Just a thought...
Tammy

I agree with Anthony as well, we are different after the trauma. Completely! To the point where I personally am struggling to let go of who I was before the trauma, because I am never going to be that person again. PTSD is permanent, and it changes your personality.

And that is such a good point Tammy, about undermining your partner's abilities. I don't have a partner, but if my parents and family do too much for me or don't respect my boundaries in various ways, not only do I feel like withdrawing... but as you say I feel like they think I'm incompetent. Like I'm retarded or something and can't make my own decisions. It's condescending and patronizing.

Very excellent point Tammy, well said. I know that I do not like someone going around me when ill, as whilst I may be ill I still know what I am doing and I know what is best for me 99% of the time, compared to someone trying to tell or force me too what they believe is best. PTSD just doesn't operate anything close to what some may classify as "normal" behaviour.

I appreciate your opinions and all the advice. As I said, I have followed the advice to give him space. I haven't written him in a few days since reading these different views. I am going to try what you all say but its going to be really hard for me. I am not defending myself, as I havent done anything to defend but try to love my BF and my best friend as best I can and try to do what he asked. I won't cut ties as I promised him, I am sticking by him but I am giving the space and seeing what happens. Yes he told me if he changes like he did last time, withdrawls or becomes distant for me to stick by him, but as I begin to not contact him and see what happens, I feel confident in alot of ways, as I have made sure he knows many times since all this happened that I love him, that I always will, that I am not going anywhere and that I was writing him to keep the committment of what I had promised him. We will see what happens and I will update you. Thanks again :)

That sounds quite sensible Myaleah. Well done. I would only add this; in that if he thinks this means that he can now go and cheat, do whatever he wants and thinks you will just be there for him to fall upon, to use you as a doormat, you need to identify and ensure this does not occur nor every allow him to treat you this way. He will now if allowed, trust me on that one.

Hey! Yah I know. I have known him forever and he has never been a cheater. He is actually one of the few men I know who is the one who was cheated on alot. Not that he cant change but I dont get that thats what he is about. He is a sgt in charge of his unit. In a war zone in Iraq rt now so I dont see that as his goals but I have assured him that I am sticking by my committment to him and not going to be with anyone else and that I am waiting for him so he knows where I stand committment wise. Ugh I dont even want to worry about him cheating. He would totally be a diff person if he began doing that andnot to mention he is so serious about his position. I pray not. When he has been attacked and going through alot I dont want to say "hey dont cheat on me".....it will probably make him more upset and stressed. We had discussed it jokingly in Sept. and he told me I should never worry about him doing that to me, that he would NEVER do that and that its not who he is so I dont know what else to do.....I want like to trust he is going throguh alot and would not change his entire character.

I cannot say what he will or won't do, but I am only telling you these things to pre-warn you of what could be coming, is likely coming. Yes, I agree that if you face him with some things before even suspecting them, that will push him to do them most likely. So totally agreed there. I can only say that you don't seem to think his entire personality will change because of this.... let me tell you it will. Mine did, and all those I know with PTSD are nothing like what they used to be prior to trauma. Not a one of them. If he heals over years, then yes he can regain some of his personality and traits, he will be similar to what he once was, though will never be the same even after healing. He will be a newer version, hopefully more improved in some areas, though he will be weaker in others.

I once used to be the rock, the one those around me panicked and came to me. I was the one who doesn't panic, who can rationalize under extreme stress and chaos. Now though, whilst I can still do that, afterwards I would be ill for some time. I would have to smoke and drink merely to cope with it to begin with. I would be quite angry and aggressive to anyone who came near me afterwards, and even then medication wouldn't come close to fixing any off it. He will be different, he will suffer and be extreme during his uncontrolled period of learning what is wrong and that he must act on fixing himself as nobody else can do this for him. He must learn these things, he must first experience them to learn what he does and does not want to be.

Unfortunately there is no time limit, nor amount of suffering or hurt he will inflict on those he loves most before he realises these facts. Some commit suicide whether directly or indirectly before ever realizing they can heal and learn to control their lifestyle once again. Some are destructive for decades, some only years, some maybe only months before realizing they need to seriously work on themselves and have constant professional help. There simply isn't any benchmark you can gauge this from, and its all going to be unique for him and yourself and anyone else in his life. It is merely best you know and understand these things now so your not going to be as shocked when reality hits you.

Ok. Well thank you for the warning. Last time he got back he had begun smoking but he had never gotten into drinking or drugs. I am going to look for these things and pray he pulls through without these things. He told me he changed in his attitude last time but eventually came back to himself. I would never think he would do those things, knowing the kind of man he is and how ethical and serious about his job he is but I hear you and will def be looking out. Is there anything that i can say to help him from turning those ways besides showing love as I have been?

All you can do is ensure you do not allow him to begin treating you like a doormat, purely as a consequence of him not being capable of knowing what is going on within him. If he begins this, just love him, just not allow him to walk all over you. If you allow that, it will become habit to him and not help him, nor you. Learn the warnings and that may help you better help both himself and yourself.