I am really depressed this morning. Don't know if I can get through the day. I think it might be because it will be the first time I've seen my 3 year old granddaughter since my theripist told me she believes I was probably that young when my abuse happened. Also might be because if I was that young then it had to be a family member not the neighbor who first abused me. When I think of how small laila is and think of by brother doing that to a little child like that, it makes me so sick.

At my appointment tuesday I learned what was going on when I felt like there was another personality inside of me. Marcia called disassoication. Thats why she believes I was about the age of gd. I also asked her if what happened was enough proof that something did happen to me. She said yes. Its so hard not knowing for sure if I was abused. Sometimes I think its just all in my head. Also feels like family members don't believe me cause I can't remember.

I'm also wondering, once I let this stuff out will I ever beable to be a store manager again. Will 8 weeks be enough time. I remember back in 85 when ptsd first surfaced I was a mess for at least a year. And back then I was still using. (alot) Worried about money, you get used to making what we make. omg, thats a major stressor. I've made a hell alot of money these past few years. We haven't saved hardly any. And we still spend more then we make. This past 6 months we put a bunch on credit cards. Our son got married in May and we paid for most of the wedding. ok enough of that, its really stressing me out.

Also left me anziety meds at work, which is an hour away. so all this stress is really messing with

Hollyberry, While your meds are an hour away--TODAY is not the day to do without them. Take several deep breathes and GO GET THEM.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>!

I am a little confused about how you take your anxiety meds. I take mine non stop on a set schedule to keep the level even and ME even. Anxiety meds on an as needed basis causes me concern. You should not be doing the up and down emotional ride like this. I am not a medical person but I've been on them long enough to what happens if my med level drops. Just wondering, that's all

Sent my son to get meds. We took vehicle into town for him to go get them and went to walmart. Had a some type of attack at walmart. Not sure what the difference between panic and anxiety is.

We are at sons house now and meds knock me out for first 2 hours. Think DIL is upset at me for sleeping. When I said I'm sorry, she said "you do it every year. Not so good at these things, do seem to sleep when we get together. Don't know what thats all about. Should be helping with fixing dinner but slept instead. Hopefully she'll get over it.

Holly,

So sorry you are having so much anxiety.

I too disassociate and it is from sexual abuse at a young age. That is how we protected ourselves. This is why we don't remember the actual abuse, we just know it happened.

I don't have a gd, but one of my triggers is hearing about small children being sexually traumatized. The confusion and pain hit me from no where and I go into depression and I robot through a few days.

Love your gd as hard as you can and concentrate on the positive love between gm and gd.

Hugs,

vst

Herc, right now I get my meds from a family doc, who really doesn't know me. I've only seen him a few times. I quess my ptsd has been in remission since 2004. Got triggered oct. 8th, ran off to hospital 5 days later, cause I got suicide.

Thats how I tend to deal with this. Its been a issue since 85 and almost everytime I go get locked up cause I thought it was just depression and I get suicidal. Didn't get ptsd diagnose till 2004. That was 1st time abuse was triggered. I quess this time its from memories coming back. Other times it was triggered was because had 2 nieces die in car accidents 10 years apart. That triggered grief: Had 6 family members and friends die from 73 to 76. Started with my dad when I was 13 ended with his dad when I was 17. Didn;t deal with any of it. Mother ran off and got a new family that didn't want us. I lived in trailer with 2 brothers and she lived 20 miles away in different town with new family. Drugs and alcohol got me through those years.

I'm sorry to hear you have had such a rough day. Holidays can really take it out of you when you have PTSD. I had Thanksgiving at my house and it really took it out of me.

I think that your granddaughter's age could definately be triggering. When my kids trigger me, my first instinct is incredible guilt. I am learning that the guilt makes me even more physically and emotionally exhausted. We didn't cause it...and they DEFINATELY did not cause it. Somehow, we need to remove the guilt from the equation...if you figure that one out, let me know

I don't know if I could even begin to list all of the possible triggers that have surrounded me today. Another holiday season begins...but we will make it through!