No that's okay Anthony, I think you're right actually. At least in the sense of, I am a bit confused, that's sort of why I started this thread. I used the word defending myself in my title rather than the word assertive because I'm not sure if defending myself is assertive or not. I guess it isn't?

After reading your examples I feel even more confused about certain instances. I mean I know what it is to be assertive or aggressive when the issue is really black and white, and some of the issues I mentioned as examples in this thread, I know for a fact I was totally assertive or totally aggressive. I was assertive in the chatroom this weekend for example. I stated plainly what I was and wasn't capable of and I didn't attack anyone. I was aggressive in how I dealt with my Mum's cousin. She said she was embarrassed to be seen with me and I told her to go f herself and that she was a fat pig. Both instances I know 100% how I behaved. But it's the grey areas where I get really confused. Like for example, if someone makes a statement that hurts my feelings, and it's not a huge deal, but they've done it so many times that I'm getting fed up... and I've been assertive with them before and they still do it... what then? How should I react? Or if I feel like someone is crowding me or crossing my boundaries, but they're not really meaning to do it... like in my diary. This is where I have trouble. I guess maybe in my diary, it would have been more assertive to state beforehand, "please don't interrupt me while I'm working on issues"? Maybe I am being aggressive in some instances and that's why I feel so guilty? Anyways thanks, that gives me more to think about.

Evie, don't beat yourself up over this as no person is perfect. Because I am discussing this, don't for a second think I don't stuff up this very thing also, because I do. I sometimes jump to aggressive with nic or another if my anxiety is already high, though recognition of that with apology for my actions comes back to self esteem and personality. Accept being wrong, apologize if wrong. If not, don't.

When you reference dealing with someone that does something repeatedly and though you ask them not to, you then escalate that to being more assertive by expressing what they are doing gives you "x" feeling. It is not wrong to walk away, ignore or simply state to someone that you want little to do with them because they are being rude enough to not respect your feelings in the first place, your boundaries. That is not wrong. Going ape shit on them though only gives them what they are attempting to do in the first place, being to upset you and bring you to their negativity levels.

Your right though Evie, black and white is easy, grey is not. That is constant work, not just by those with PTSD, generally those without are more ignorant than what we must learn to help maintain a healthy lifestyle and keep our stress levels low. This is what its about, being to keep our stress levels bare minimum due to the effects it has when increased.

The point here is that you are doing something but then walk away and question yourself and/or feel bad over what you have just said or done. That means a problem exists. Either your not confident in your decision or you believe you did the wrong thing. Which ever it is, that is what you must identify and then work upon to improve. You can't fix it, because its not broken to begin with. You can choose to improve oneself through examining ourselves constantly. If you believe something you do is right then there should be no negative repercussions. If there are negative repercussions then you need to find why. Either the action or your self belief (self esteem / confidence).

Thanks for your help Anthony. I think Dad agrees with you in that, he said today my problem is not what I'm doing so much as how I feel about myself afterwards. He thinks it's because my self-esteem is still so low. He's trying to help me with that. I will try to be less hard on myself. I'm thinking now, if I have made mistakes, especially in the last couple of weeks, I need to quit dwelling on them and concentrate on learning from them. If there's stuff I've done wrong I mean. I'm still not sure, I still have to work all that out. I have been putting myself down way too much lately. Maybe I need to step back from this for a couple of days until I'm thinking a little less negatively about myself. In the past, I've had instances where I thought I was totally wrong and apologized profusely, only to discover later on that I wasn't wrong at all. Then I end up regretting my apology and feeling like a doormat. I hope I can avoid that this time and just apologize if I should. Anyways thanks again, I've really gotten a lot out of this thread.

Its easier for someone from an Army background to understand because they take a civilian with any type of self esteem and spit them out with high self esteem at the end of a 12 intense basic training program. The way the military do it is specific to them, though the self esteem is high from the majority of all who come out. Typically if someone has a low self esteem they will not make it through such training and be weeded out during the process.

It is hard to replicate such intense training to increase anothers self esteem without putting them through such training in the first place.

You see the problem with civilian aspects is that unless pushed by force beyond every physical and mental boundary, a person never knows just what they can achieve. The word cannot is no longer recognizable, instead its try and give it 110% before thinking of an alternative.

Just remember Evie that what your doing is progressive work. You can see for yourself your own personal results over the last year of your life. Use those positive results to continue pushing negativity and doubt from your life and shift yourself where you want to be, nothing more, nothing less. It is like a person who is just depressive in nature. It doesn't matter how much you work with them, they are happy being depressive, so they will remain that way. Those around them either accept that or remove themselves from that person and behaviours.

Your doing just fine Evie.... and you did answer your own statements above; being not so much that you must step back from things, but simply stop where you are and look around. If negativity exists period, you must identify it and work towards how to remove it from your life. Then continue forward. No need to go backwards in order to go forward from your point, just pause and look around a while if required. Its a constant game of push and pull basically that we play with ourselves. We push ourselves, we stop, we push, we stop. Each time we stop we look around beyond what maybe we just think and try to find everything that could affect us negatively. Then we push against those negatives for resolution, attempting to find a better way to achieve what we want without the negativity in our life.

Just remember Evie.... keep up the great work as your doing very well. Remember, it takes years to work at this, and even then it is constant work, just not as much. Use what you have achieved to motive you and guide you. That is the key to continuing your own self growth. Learn, educate.... take what works for you and throw the rest away.

remember there is a balance as 2quilt said
you always have the upper hand remember that and your'r in control
every thing is give and take keep honest to your're self but don't kill every one around you
it's healthy but never to much isn't
i'm not trying to shoot you down but remeber their poeple too

Thanks Anthony, I'm having a hard time believing that I am doing very well right now, I am really doubting myself. But I will try to hang on to what your saying here. I have made a lot of progress in the last year. A tremendous amount. Thanks for the reminder of that.

Defending yourself means that a few things...

One...someone could say "Naw.....screw you and what you think...I have the upper hand.."

or...

Two...They might leave you ( in your mind)....

Those are two reasons why I am triggred when I defend myself.....

Evie, I don't know whether it helps but if I am not sure how to react to someone and they have hurt my feelings I simply just say "you have hurt my feelings" and if someone is being mean to me I say "I don't like you being mean to me" or "I don't like you when you are mean to me". If they then say they are not being mean but I feel different I say "while you say you have not been mean, I feel like you have and you have hurt my feelings".

Thanks Geneva, yeah... those are things I think too when I defend myself. I worry about what people will think, though I know I shouldn't. I guess it boils down again to self-esteem like my dad says.

Thanks Nicolette for those examples, they sound assertive and I will try to use them in future if I need to.

Yes.... unfortunately I do hear them at times myself.... damn it :)