OK.....I had a great birthday with a lot of wishes from other forum members as well as in my personal life. That makes me feel good.

What makes me feel really frigging rotton is that my own mother did not call me. She is pissed at me again. There is nothing I can say or do that will ever make me feel like she is proud of me or even likes me. I cannot even imagine not calling my own son on his birthday even when he is 36. She makes me crazier than i already feel and i hate that I am losing sleep and wasting energy on her again. It just hurts me really bad, I know I am not that bad. I don't know how to stop feeling like this lost little kid with no support when she gives me the silent treatment. My GOD I should be used to this by now!

So sorry that you're going through this. There is no way to fill that void and it hurts. It's ok for it to hurt, but don't beat yourself up about it. It's her loss. And..if she purposefully not calling you and knowing that it's hurting you, well, that's just juvenile and wrong, which is her problem. I don't think you should "get used to it". Be stronger because of it. (((Hugs)))

Pand,

She is your mother.......There is a bond that is hard to sever. Yes you are hurt, and have the right to be. I'm sorry that you are going through this....

You can continue to be hurt and want her love, and respect, or you can let it go and stop having the expectations of that of a normal mom. Apparently she isn't a normal mom, and can't or won't be one. So the choice is up to you now.

Letting go of the expectation of her being a better mom, may allow you to have a better relationship with her.

Hugs....

glad you had good birthday, sorry your Mum wasn't there for you ,hugs

I can't imagine doing alot of stuff my mom does...Only thing I can say is Im sorry.

oh and happy belated birthday

It is indeed a difficult situation Pandora and my heart goes out to you. Please know that you do not deserve this; no mother in her right mind would neglect to call her child on their birthday. You said so yourself regarding your own son. If she has done this on purpose, she is a very immature and vindictive woman indeed and that is her issue, not yours. As difficult as it is, it seems you must accept she is perhaps not the mother you are wishing for. Try to concentrate on the other people in your life as much as possible, your positive influences. As you mentioned yourself, you have received many good wishes from others, here and in your personal life. Concentrate on those good wishes and don't allow your mother to spoil things for you. I personally would be proud to call you my daughter Pandora. You are a good person, don't forget that. If your mother fails to see that, it truly is her loss.

Thank You everyone for your kind words and encouragement. It really is a amazing how much this will bring my anxiety "when she stops talking to me" right up and make my symptoms worse. My goodness with this, my back, all the meds i have to take to get through the day, a recent breakup, moving in the next two months and still have to find a place to move to ( this is very positive though, just stressful). I am hoping to work more on my traumas here again as my psychology appts are every two weeks right now. I am getting a lap top so I will be able to sit more comfortably so i am going to do some more personal growth, healing and self reflection. I promise myself that I will get through this...i won't let the holidays literally make me sick and ache for a family....but I know mine is not healthy and my son and i are always happy together (for the most part) I will get through this...I just need to start working on things again...maybe when more of my traumas are processed my stress and anxiety will be more manageable. I hope and pray that 2008 brings me some much needed happiness, peace and a much needed vacation. I have been using the PTSD workbook and was amazed when i had 12 like really major traumas. It is truly amazing, i feel...that sometimes I made it this far and I am only 36. Again, thank you everyone for your kind words it always help to get others points of view because she really makes me feel like I am such a failure and useless that i caused my sons Aspergers. She REALLY needs help...at least I was smart enough and cared enough to get the proper help for my son and I. I am often so jealous when I see other mothers with their adult daughters and they hug and smile and show affection. My situation is just so not right....and it is really hard to accept...I know I am beginning to accept it...it just has taken a very long time because a situation that you can just not make ok anyway in your mind is a very hard thing to live through in a lifetime. Wow...I guess I needed to vent. Insomnia again...kicking me and of course...no sleep equals way more worry and way less logic. Time to try and at least get a few hours in. Take Care everyone.

Pandora, I thought if I set boundaries with my mom, distanced myself emotionally, minded my own business in family arguements that had nothing to do with me, if I didn't share important details of my life, and accepted the fact I may never have the relationship I want with her, she could never hurt me again. I've learned that it doesn't work that way. I still hurt. It was so immense, I didn't know what to do with that hurt. It made me grateful for the loving relationships I do have.

Thanx Kathy and tude. I still don't feel strong enough to write again....just had my needles yesterday...again...so I can't sit too long.

I will start talking more in here and processing as soon as my back feels better. I have to pack too...that should hurt! ha ha