Well, the shock of hearing from my daughter is beginning to wear off and the reality of how my life changed in the blink of an eye is beginning to sink in.

I am so full of conflicting emotions that I feel like my head could simply explode. I can't rid myself of this intense headache I've had for days.

I know what is causing this headache, I just don't know how to release the pressure inside my head. I need to cry rivers of tears and release years of fears but they just won't come. I have stuffed these emotions so deep and for so long that now I can't pull them up from the depth of my soul.

I begin to cry, thinking I will finally rid myself of all the severely mixed emotions, then I quit crying. I guess my mind is doing what I trained it to do, which is to stuff "ANY" and "ALL" emotions relating to my daughter. I wish I could rid myself of the intense pain that has built up inside of me, and, I must release the intense emotions before I can move on.

I would never forgive myself I damaged or harmed the new found relaionship between us. I guess if I am honmest with myself I have to say "I am terrified to the depth of my soull that I am going to do or say something wrong and she will go away again" I could not handle loosing her again, especially now with the baby. That terrifies me! What if I screw up and loose her again????

AH! Those what ifs ! ! ! Those dangerous and ever present "WHAT IFS" They can be so intrusive and distructive! ! ! ! How do you make these guys go away?

Grama Herc is in need of so intense answers Help me guys

I can't give you any advice on how to do get all that emotion out right, only know how to do it wrong and don't think you need to know that. One thing I learned when my youngest grandchild was born is I can't expect for parents to do something, because I think they should. I learned that unmet expectations only lead to resentments.

Did want to say I totatly understand that cloud you've been on. Being a grandparent has been the biggest joy of my life. I have three. Tyler is 5, Laila is 3, and peyton is 1. I've missed seeing you these past few days online

From Jim's and mine's experience of losing Evie and then being reunited with her, I relate to your feelings only too well Herc. It is normal and expected to feel as you do. Though with PTSD added to the mix I imagine everything must be that much more intense for you. To this day I sometimes still worry Evie will run off again. In fact she did run once, after Brian's death. Thankfully she came to her senses and rung us after only a few hours of being gone, however they felt like the longest hours of my life.

As difficult as it is Herc, your daughter is an adult and therefore capable of making her own choices, good and bad. As an adult there is a possibility she may choose to sever the relationship once more. I well understand how frightening it is to think of that, however it is the truth, she has that ability and that right, and you need to accept that for your peace of mind. Obviously though I hope it does not happen!

Have you considered being honest with her, telling her how afraid you are to lose her again? I am not saying to do so immediately, that may be too difficult at this point. However as you develop a relationship with her, it is important to be honest. Let her know how you feel. Evie knows that we would be incredibly hurt if she ran off again. In all honesty I believe that has kept her from leaving in some instances where she was tempted to run.

The more you are open and honest with your daughter, the more you strive to have a good relationship with her, the chances of her severing ties again will lessen. You must be honest, share your feelings, and respect her boundaries. All of these things will take time and patience, and you may feel very frightened along the way. I wish you all the best Herc, take good care and keep writing here as much as you need to.

I agree, be really honest, and give each other time to talk, and time to process what you have said to each other. That may take overnight, a few days, saying the same thing again in a different way, you know. Reassure each other.

Also, I may know why your head hurts so bad. I saw a story on TV that said that all tears are not the same: happy tears are made up of a different chemical than sad tears. Tears from sadness release toxins from the body and that is why you can feel so much better after a good cry.
Find a quiet place, be alone and talk to your daughter out loud as if she were there with you. tell her what you want to say to her, and let it all go. Get a soft toy to talk to or hold on to, or a blanket, or a pillow. If you need to, turn on the stereo to drown your voice out so the neighbors don't hear your words. Do whatever you need to make yourself comfortable so that you can start talking to your daughter and cry out the toxin. If you can't cry, drink lots of water to dilute your body. That will help get the toxins out. As you can imagine, you are overwhelmed with stress right now, and your adrenaline is on overload, and the toxins are building up so that's where the headache is coming from. If you can find an acupuncturist, I recommend that too. Acupuncture is great.

Herc,

Yes, I too understand your fears. Been there, done that. Your daughter may very well have those same fears too. She may fear saying something wrong, or stepping on your toes too. Fearful that you may pull away.

It's going to be hard, both of you have changed, grown, and developed separate lives, but that doesn't mean that you can't have a loving relationship.

Herc, share your fears with her. let her know how you feel, how frightened you are, and see if the both of you can't come to some sort of understanding on just how to restart this relationship based on true feelings, honesty, and openness.......

Hang in there hon.....You can do this, as scary as it seems. I have faith in you.

Very emotional situation, difficult to get over the fear that your daughter will disappear again. However. I agree with what everyone is saying here Herc. Be honest with your daughter. You have a fresh start with her, that's rare. Make the most of it. The better your relationship is with her, less chance you will be separated again. All the best, take good care.

Jim.

Sorry to report no tears yet. I have spent so many years training my mind and body to stuff any emotion regarding my daughter that now I can't get the pain out. I HAVE TO! I MUST! This kind of internal pain can be very volitale! This is what causes ourburst of anger at very inopportune times. Still have my headache, but my breathing is a little better.

2Quilt---- you gave me very good information and suggestions on how to get these emotions out. I thank you for that, but I just sit there smiling and saying "I'm a grama, she is safe and does not hate me". I will not give up. I will get these feelings out of my soul. So far this week I have been required to leave the house everyday, I want to be able to shut myself up in my room and not come out untill this emotional purge is over! No interuptions please! No trip to the store, the beauty parlor, the church or the doctor. I plan on getting MUM settled into something that will keep her busy and then concentrate on my purge. Today, we go to the beautyh parlor to get her hair cut. But starting tomorrow I have "ZERO" places to go.

Thursday morning I am going to begin the task of purgeing my mind and soul fo the toxic emotions stuffed into the deepest part of my being. Just hope I come out the other side all right! Now is no time to come unglued and loose control. Well, wish me luck guys. Will check in when the emotional ride is over. Hopefully sooner, but one never knows, so don't worry. Got MUM on Herc Watch, so she has my back and a really good phone number to call just in case.

Sorry, don't mean to be such a drama queen but damn------this is gonig to be very hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry you're having a hard time Herc. To be honest, I've been avoiding reading this thread as I am on the opposite end of things... I am the person who ran off and made my family worry for 5 years. So it's hard to read some of the pain and fears that causes. I will say though, as others have said, be as honest and open with your daughter as you can. Tell her that you feel afraid and so on, I know firsthand, it really has made a difference for me. It's been really important for me to realize the impact I have on my family and the hurt I would cause if I cut contact again. It's not easy to hear but it does make me think twice before I would do anything rash like that again. And the closer I am getting to my family, the more I don't want to leave them. Anyways take care and I really hope it all works out for the best for you!

Batgirl

I hope that my thread has helped you and maybe others like you. I know it must have been difficult for you to hear these things, but helpfull! You are brave and strong and I wish you all the best Grama Herc

Thanks Herc (or should I say Grama Herc haha), yes this thread has helped me. I hope you enjoy your grandchild. I know Mum really loves my nephews a lot.