Hi guys,

I think I found that place where I feel emotionally barren - the wasteland where I’ve been trying to push myself away or through what's been going on for so long that I end up in the thick of it with no idea where to start.

I haven't posted in a while and I should have - I've been feeling very isolated. In the past three months I've had two close relatives die (one a week and an half ago) and because of the strained relationship with my family, not only was I only informed of their deaths in e-mails, but told in no uncertain terms that I was not welcome at the funerals. Not only am I grieving the loss of these two individuals, but of my family in general - and the loss of family members in the past that I still miss deeply.

I'm having a lot of flashbacks and memories of the earlier childhood sexual abuse. It's really hard - I don't know what to do with the memories. There's just this deep sadness that has me by the reigns right now because of the clarity in which am I able to see the extent of abuse.

Not to mention I'm really angry at my mother's best friend who made that one phone call months ago - opened the flood gates, informed me of things that were going on, asked if I could ever forgive her, and said she was sorry. I know it’s months later, but I still feel the need to tell her it's too late to apologize. I want to scold her on her humanity, on her sense of morals and ethics, of her priorities and as a mother herself with children the same age as me, how could she not say something?

Things with the boyfriend are back on the old course of destruction. I'd like to pinpoint one thing, but it seems that every aspect of the relationship is far from okay. My best friend called me yesterday to wish me a happy two year anniversary with him - and remarked that she was honestly surprised I was still with him, that she expected that I would have broken up with him by now. Which is timely seeing as on our anniversary he thought a separation might be a good idea, on another night he thought I should see other people, and overall he believes things are doomed. His sense of insecurity is felt everywhere in the relationship. I'm finding it incredibly hard to trust him because he's constantly pushing me away. He says it’s the PTSD and the lack of sex, but I think otherwise, as does his counsellor and my short term counsellor. It's extremely hard to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust, and that as time goes on you can't develop that sense of trust. I'd like to give up, as I often wish I were single instead, but I guess I have this sense of needing someone, no matter how crappy things are. I can't talk to him about what's going on in my life - it has proven to be more harmful than helpful, and he ends up yelling at me for disclosing abuse.

The whole therapy situation, it's been almost 4 months (?) now without a psychiatrist, and after months and months of phone calls to every agency in my area, to outpatient mental health facilities, to private psychiatrists - you name it I've called them, I finally got some help. It took disclosing beyond PTSD but to why I have PTSD for the woman who does referrals at my GP's office to do something. So, now - I'm happy to report I should begin to see a new psychiatrist in the next month. I still have a lot of sadness about leaving my last psychiatrist, which when discussed in short term therapy results in a cold hard reaction of "that's life." My last psychiatrist was the only person in my area that I could fully trust and talk to and to leave that, even knowing there's a good chance he's not going to continue his practice when he gets through whatever he's dealing with, is incredibly difficult. Another sense of loss and grieving ensues.

And then there's school. I reduced my course load, and even still I have 3 papers totalling 40+ pages to write in the next week and an half. Not possible, not plausible. So I need to figure out what I'm doing, and carefully. I think I'm back to official deferrals and some time off (at least the next month) to just start process everything. I can do the work, but I need to have the priority be my health, which it hasn't. I've been having a lot of feelings of inability to do the actual work, as is it's too hard, but I know I can do it, I've done it before and there isn't anything really to worry about but I freeze. I freeze in a way that I don't have enough belief in my ability to do it that I do nothing. I'm worn out and tired.

The short term therapist, I must say has been a source of so much bad advice. She told me to not deal with my mental health but to put it on the back burner. Not to deal with how I'm feeling but to give it a seconds' worth of notice while in therapy and then to push it back inside. I have never been more relieved to have new therapy coming up shortly. If there was a PTSD therapist blacklist, she should be on it.

So that's where I'm at. I have absolutely no idea what to do with all of this and I just feel lost and overwhelmed. I have no desire to run away from it, but I don't know where to begin in dealing with it. I feel like I'm just treading water.

With sincerity and warm wishes,

A. Lauren

Well I think you have a great deal of strength and courage and being able to look at the issues instead of avoiding them takes a great deal of strength. You have truly been thru a great deal and only hope that I can do the same with the crap I am dealing with concerning abuse issues from my childhood as well as emotions that are difficult to deal with. Hang in there.Just wanted you to know that I think you are doing great with all that is on your plate. I admire the openness

Metis,

I am so sorry that you had to go through this in the way that you did, To hear of a death of a family member through email, and to be told that you are not invited......That's just cruel........I'm sorry....

I am happy that finally you will be seeing a psychiatrist. I know that it has been a source of great stress and frustration for you in the past few months. I'm glad that you didn't give up on your search......It shows just how much you want to get your mental health under control, and to deal with the PTSD.... Great job!!!!

As far as the boyfriend situation......I do understand how you feel. At sometime you may have to ask yourself the big question though. What exactly am I getting out of this relationship, and is it worth the frustration and not trusting?????

For as down as you think that you are right now.....I do see remarkable clearness, and positive things in your post. You are very strong, and have good sense.

I hope for better days for you in the coming weeks....

Metis, wish you the best in getting through this and you are doing well typing about it. Getting it out is always hard but it is a step. Sorry you have to be shunned by your family during such a trying time. Losing family and losing their support at the same time is just insensitive.

you've got some much on our table
post to help let some out

I read your post and I just waned to say hi to you. Words don't say enough when we hurt. Our common struggle goes beyond words. I and others too, do understand.

I know that you will make it. You've got to.

Zam

Hi Metis...just wanted to say that I am sorry you are dealing with this. Sometimes families are just "not" families and it is a terrible situation. You seem to be thinking about helping yourself and thankfully you have the proper help. In canada...it took about one and a half years to get into an anxiety treatment centre. The woman that i see has helped me beyond words...I hope you get the same kind of help to assist you as you continue to heal. You can do this....try to write down a list of all the positives you DO have in your life...that helps me when i sometimes just cannot stop thinking about the past..take care and good luck as you continue to heal it looks like you are on the right path. Keep posting and we will support you!

I thought I might give you an update into how things are going. I've decided to have ritual of sorts. As I was not invited to the funeral, I don't feel that I've truly gotten to say goodbye, so I'm fashioning a small ritual where I can say goodbye to them. I know the term ritual may seem very pagan, but I'm referring more generally to rituals humans have for the passing of a loved one, a death. Depending on religious orientation, it differs, but we all need to be able to do so. So I'm going to light a candle and say my goodbye's. I'm not exactly sure when I'm going to do this, but it will be in the next couple days. I am hoping that will at least give me some closure on one of the multitude of things that are on my plate right now.

As I have had two family members die in the past couple months, it has brought up a lot of grieving feelings in regards to another family member's death that I have never been able to come to terms with. I don't know that I'm ready to throw that into the mix yet, but I can safely say that I should be able to say goodbye to my Uncle and Grandmother.

Hopefully I'll be able to slowly deal with everything, one at a time. I'm tired before I do anything during the day and that says a lot as I'm not really doing anything. Slow but steady, right?

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and kindness. Hopefully I can respond later, but for now, I thought I should at least touch base.

With kindness and compassion,

A. Lauren

Metis, that sounds like a wonderful idea! You are right, slow and steady :) Let us know how that goes for you.

Metis, I don't know what to say except I read everything and I really feel for you in your situation. The ritual is an awesome idea. Take care, I'm thinking about you.