The past couple of weeks have been more difficult than I anticipated. I had a panic attack at my nutrutionist appointment the week before Thanksgiving...which I did not think was going to be a very triggering holiday. I realized then that it was going to be more difficult than I thought...but was still in denial about what was coming up.

With an eating disorder, Thanksgiving is difficult enough since a majority of the day is centered around food. Being in fairly solid recovery, I thought it would not be a big deal. What I didn't think about was that Thanksgiving is my dad's favorite holiday (we have not spoken in 8 years) and that the last Thanksgiving we spent together before my parents split REALLY sucked. So, Thanksgiving triggers me...took me long enough to figure that out.

Until 4 years ago, my main source of coping was going to school or working. During Thanksgiving weekend of 2003, I felt horrible and had been feeling progressively worse for about 2 months. I went shopping on the day after Thanksgiving (a tradition my mom and I have) that year and only lasted a couple of hours. On Sunday of that weekend, we put up our Christmas tree for the first time in our new house. My husband and I had just had our dream family house built and moved in the month before. I could do nothing but sit on the couch and direct the decorating. I was extremely frustrated at just how bad I felt...and thought I was just making it all up in my head.

I woke up the Monday after Thanksgiving (Dec 1, 2003) thinking I was having a heart attack. My husband took me to the ER and I found out I had pericarditis from rheumatic fever and had to stay in the hospital for 6 days. I ended up being hospitalized most of December that year and was forced by my husband and the Dean of the nursing school where I taught to take the Spring semester off.

Back to this year...

I did not realize until this week how much taking away my work identity affected me. Sunday night I had a minor breakdown and things started flashing that I have not thought about in a long time. I am working so hard to stay away from my self-destructive behaviors...but it is really hard right now. I emailed my therapist yesterday and asked for an extra appointment this week. Fortunately, she will be able to see me on Saturday...which is December 1st.

I have been saying that I want to feel..but now I am not so sure.

totally understand the work thing...work keeps mine all stuffed....

Tx,

You worked hard to get where you wanted to be, and now you can't. Yes that can be very difficult to handle. With time and working on your trauma, and getting your symptoms under control you may be able to go back to work. Don't ever give up the hope of doing that. it may be the driving force that keeps you in the path to getting well. If not, then you can face it at that time, but for now try not to put it in the forefront. You and your emotional health is more important.

For now try and accept that things are as they are. I know it's hard to do that, but for now you need to focus on you and getting you better.

We all have a favorite saying here...Baby steps........You need to just start with those for now....