We're on a time out...again. It's a little frustrating right now. Considering the timing. We're going through something personal and I know that this is very hard for him. I'm really proud on how he's handled things so far. It's a positive step for him, you know? So, here I am updating myself on any other information I can get.

I do have a rather personal question. I've read many experiences here and elsewhere about infidelity. I'd like to know from both the sufferers & carers point of view why this seems to be a common issue. I know this will probably sound dumb, but is it preventable? Is there something from a carers side that can be done to prevent this from happening? To be completely honest, this thought crosses my mind (not always, but it's there), whenever he asks for his space. It's really one of my biggest fears, because I honestly don't know how I would handle that particular situation. Anyway, any insight would be useful.

Neela

Neela,
Time-outs huh??!!! There is no other way to say it...They're a bitch. Been there, done that.
As for the infidelity, well thats ultimately up to you to decide where your boundaries are. I do recommend clearly stating what is a deal-breaker as to your relationship, and then actually sticking to it if the "worst" was to happen.
PTSD sufferers are not fools. They know when they are on a good thing, they are human after all. Lets face it, if you have a ready made excuse for "bad" behaviour you can pull out whenever you want, and your partner will then excuse it.... well... no guidelines.... expect trouble!!!!!! And that just doesnt only apply to PTSD sufferers!!!!
Each time taking a break comes up, set down rules. Both parties are to work within the decided guidelines. It then decreases worry, on both sides!, and if either party breaks the 'Rules', the behaviour is punished accordingly.
I have been at times too soft, and too hard. In matters of the heart nothing is simple. In matters of self respect.... well, just dont ever lose that.
Hugs
Ryair xxxxxxxxxxx

Neela, I believe infidelity is preventable, if the person who is considering it chooses not to do it !! However certainly you, as the "innocent" party so to speak (I am using that term loosely!) cannot prevent your partner from being unfaithful. Please do not place such a burden upon yourself. Yes, there are actions you may take to strengthen your relationship in general, however; infidelity is a choice that your partner must own entirely. There is nothing saying a man or woman who is unhappy in a relationship must cheat; if they are unhappy, they have the option to end the relationship in an honest and mature manner.

Thanks for the responses Ryair & Kathy. I really do appreciate it!

Cheating in general is never fun to deal with. Whether it's in this relationship or with someone else. It's not something I really worry about with him, but one never knows. It definitely is a choice one makes and hopefully they make an honest one.

Neela

I agree with what you are all saying, and would have said the same thing. Just in addition to that, I can also more and more understand now, why people look for greener grass somewhere else. years ago, I condemned people who cheated, I couldn't understand. And the stereotype in my mind is, guys cheat... they must be sooo stupic to risk what they have.
But over the last years, there was so much pain my wife had to deal with, and so much pain I was confronted with, ... how do you deal with that? And in your pain you look for other things, and you slowly push the boundaries.
I am not excusing stepping over boundaries here, but what I am saying is, I understand much better that people do it in order to deal with their pain, which can be drugs, alcohol, sex, work, other intimate relationships, emotional dependencies etc...

What can you do about it?

Well, there is wisdom here in many voices,
and I guess it also depends on the Trauma.

Sex, frequent sex and talk about your sex life is certainly positive.

Also open talk about possible infidelity. We call that temptations, because of our clear boundaries. How tempted are you, why, and what do you need?

What helps me is to talk about my escape thoughts with someone. Well, that's what you do in Alcoholic Anonymous groups, you talk openly. that just defuses the whole escape thing. But of course, what you need in place first are clear boundaries. If those don't exist, one doesn't count infidelity as an escape.

Well, that's what I come up with.

Harry, I like you responses.

Neela, you sound to be in a very similar place to me in terms of having a lot of faith and trust in your partner but also in terms of having that fear during time apart.

I have given my feelings about this a lot of thought, as it has upset me quite a lot to all of a sudden have a diminished trust in my beloved. I will try to summarise the conclusions I have come up with so far and prehaps you can see whether or not you identify with any of them or even if they prompt you to consider your own situation in ways your hadn't yet thought of.

For me, my diminished trust has stemmed from 4 main issues:

1. Frequent lies to me from my PTSD husband.
I now understand this is somewhat a symptom (or I may have that wrong?) and also a result of my initial way of "caring" i.e. to try to dictate how he should be leading hi life to "move on" from the trauma and get his life back together, which really only pushed him when he dind't need it. So for example if I were to tell him a bill had to be paid and stressed it so very much as the phone would be cut off if he didn't, then the more I stressed it, the less likely he would be to do it. Seemingly almost to spite me (that's how I saw it). So then if I were to ask if the bill were paid, to keep me off his back he would lie and then the phone would get cut off (thius is a hypothetical, BTW). So if I saw him with a girl and asked who she was, no matter what he told me, I began to have doubts. I never would have even noticed he were with a girl before his PTSD!

And that's what brings me to the next point...

2. My fears of losing him
I have been, and still am so very scared of losing my husband, to his PTSD and to another girl.

3. My hang-up with someone else I love
Someone very close to me who I prefer to not specify, once cheated on their partner, also someone very close to me, just after they were married. I could not believe it when I was told. It is something I pushed out of my mind as I didn't want to believe it or think about it. I wish I had never been told. I almost forgot it. Until I was prompted to consider why I am now haveing these fears. I also realised that the attitudes the cheatee in this relationship have rubbed off on me and has probably made me "suspicious" when I otherwise would have not been. I have since decided to in my heart forgive this particualr cheating, after carrying it for so long, probably before I even knew the story. And upon forgiving, I have let the pain from it go. Just because I don;t agree with it happeneing in the first place and wish it didn't happen does not mean I can't forgive it.

4. Finally, purely and simply I was cheated on by my past partner.
A lot. I had complete trust in him for almost our entire 5 year realtionship. Then I found out he had cheated on me on several occasions with several different girls over the last year we were together. And I NEVER suspected a thing. So I suppose that is always in the back of my mind and always will be. Even though I thought that I had COMPLETE faith and trust in my husband. Seems given the apprpriate situation, all of us have fears that surface that we may not even know we had.

It may help you to understand your doubts if you explore what underlying history in your life could be adding to your feelings.

But one thing that has comforted me is that if a big part of me is saying "he's not cheating" I'm gonna go with that. Simple as that. If I'm committing to this for the long haul, it's lock stock and barrell.

Funny to look back on this. Seems all that faith and trust I had was just me being foolish. I should have gone with my gut, the bastard was cheating.

Sorry if that offeneded anyone, but he is a bastard to me right now. Never deserved any of my trust.

Nope not at all. Bastard is a perfect description. Been a bastard myself, early on in my marriage. No sense sugar coating it. Take good care Bella.

Jim.

I just don't want him to feel such a bastard that he does something silly. I think it is holding me back from grieving properly.

Oh well, no point mulling it over so much, it is only 24 hours since I found out. I'm sure my grieveing will progress soon enough.

I still want to hug him though, God, what is with that?

You consider cheating "something silly"? It is far more than that.

Honestly Bella, you are in shock. You only just found out. Don't be so hard on yourself please. You need time to deal with this. Not just a few days either.

Bella, I cheated on my wife at the beginning of our marriage, over 30 years ago now. We worked it out. However. It took weeks before my wife even wanted to speak with me again.

You need to take care of yourself right now.

Jim.