I guess I need a little input here.

My husband has been taking that new anti-smoking drug, Chantix, for a month now. He has become very verbally abusive towards me. He is an alcoholic in recovery for 5 years now, and I haven't experienced this type of verbal abuse since then. He also has said that he has had some thoughts about "good ways to commit suicide".

Both the anger and thoughts of suicide are side affects to this medication, and as of today-he has decided to come off of the medication.

The problem is, is that he will now continue to smoke heavily-and will maintain a combative relationship with our son whenever he goes outside for a smoke. My son is VERY anti-smoking (doesn't want to see his dad die).

My son looks to me to help my husband stop smoking. My husband gets angry with me when our son obstructs him from having a cigarette. I am in the middle of the worst time of the year (for my memories), and I don't need my husband bringing up my PTSD triggers just to get a "reaction" out of me (which he is very proficient in doing).

I'm back to seeing the doctor, twice a week. But, I feel guilty for not being able to take my husband's verbal abuse while he was quitting smoking. And, I feel that it is my fault that he is coming off the Chantix. I'm just not strong enough anymore to withstand his abuse. I don't want my son to blame me for not being strong enough either.

I don't really know what my question was here, I guess I just needed to talk about it.

nor

Nor I have some questions about boundaries here.

Why is you son (how old is he btw?) attempting to prevent his father from smoking? He is the child, not a parent and not his father's keeper. It is not his place to be doing this.

Are you endorsing this behavior from your son? (as in do you encourage it or stand by and do nothing)

This part of it is a boundary issue. You son is acting like a parent (very common in children of alcoholics) and over-stepping some major boundaries. It doesn't matter what his reasons are for doing it, it's wrong.

I could see your husband getting angry at you, because you are the other adult. Parents never want to take their anger out on children. Also, how much ownership do you have in your son's behavior?

As for the abuse. Good for you. Don't put up with it. However, stop blaming yourself. Your not a verbal punching bad, nor should you ever be.

Also, with alcoholics you really need to pick your poison. What would you rather see? Him drinking or him smoking? It's rare to see a recovering alcoholic quit smoking after the fact. It tends to set off all the extreme alcoholic behaviors.

Also, your putting stress and blame on yourself over an issue your son has no business being in. Again, boundary issues.

Hope that helped some.
bec

I also smoke.. my daugher (10yrs) doesn't like it at all. But I tell her it is my decision and my bad habbit that I will quit when I am ready. You can't quit smoking untill you really are truly committed yourself to do it.. not because others want you to. I only smoke outside or in a closed (smoking room) where the windows are kept open if anyone is in there smoking and the door to the rest of the house is closed. This I do for the protection of the rest of the family and friends that are in the house. Also remember that smoking is a huge stress relief... and sometimes the only stress relief some of us have. Yes it is a very bad habbit.. but there are much much worse ones (like drinking) and in my opinion.. everyone dies sometime and yes I might be cutting years of my life in the long run but I could die in a car accedent tomorrow or something like that too.

Nor I wouldn't put up with the verbal abuse no matter what! But I also wouldn't push the smoking issue if it causes so much bad issues with your husband. It looks like he knows it is a bad habbit but he does smoke outside so he is thinking of his familys heath too. Everyone needs some way to relax and if this is his.. then so be it.
Hope this helps some and hope things get better for you all soon!

Thanks for the insights.

Bec, when I first read your response, I felt so totally at a loss. My son is 14. It took me a couple of days in rereading your post to finally agree with you. You are right. Yes, there are definite boundary issues here. I never thought that my "staying out of their disagreements", was basically condoning my son's behavior. That was a difficult realization to swallow. But, once again-I see your point. Thanks. When I used to get between the two of them, I would get caught. I wanted to back my son up, with his adverse views of smoking-but, I wanted to stay out of my husband's way because of his abuse. When my husband begins his abuse towards me, my son tries to protect me. He stands up to his dad-and I am afraid that his dad will hit him. I don't want him in the middle of anything-so I just stayed out of it, to protect him from my husband. I eventually stayed out of it completely because I couldn't help either of them. I didn't want to condone my husband's smoking-but you are absolutely correct.......what would I rather have, his drinking or smoking?! THAT is a no brainer for me to answer-no drinking.

Our son doesn't know that his dad is a recovering alcoholic (my husband doesn't want him to know just now). But, I believe the time may be approaching where he will have to be told. What I thought was interesting was that my son has taken on the persona of parent-"as children of alcoholics do". I didn't know that was a trait.

My husband thinks that the Chantix is the only reason he was so abusive to me (he thought he was over the abusiveness). But I had a talk today with my doctor, and he feels that there is a lot of anger buried there, and it wasn't just the medication that brought it forward. After re-experiencing his severe abuse this past couple of weeks-reminded me what it was like when he drank. So, I am not going to push his quitting smoking. I couldn't survive his drinking again-or his alcoholic behaviors again. You are so right Damiea-there are worse things than smoking, and if it calms him down-so be it. At least he doesn't do it in the house.

Now, I just have to get over my fear of him. I have tried several times to talk with my son about his behavior and how it is wrong. But, he is just so afraid of his dad dying from smoking that he just can't help it. I even had him talk to a therapist about it. I walk on constant eggshells. I will have to broach the subject with my husband, of telling our son about his alcoholism-but I will do that after the holidays.

Thanks to both of you for your valuable input. Sometimes the truth is hard to take-but I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to hear it.

nor