Hi all,
I'm new here, though I probably should have come sooner. For the record, my username 'poundsixzeros' is the hexadecimal code for the color black (#000000). It seems appropriate for me these days. I have chronic ptsd from a violent crime which I survived 7 years ago. Using the media as a vehicle to find the perp, it became extremely public (tv, topic on local talk radio, etc) so I prefer to keep my real name to myself for now, if that's ok. I don't particularly like to call myself a 'victim of violent crime' because I see myself as a survivor. I know that's just semantics but it's what keeps me clinging to the wreckage instead of sinking into the abyss.

(TRIGGER ALERT) To outline the violent crime: I was hiking by myself in a canyon near my house after work. It's a place I'd gone countless times before and never encountered any adversity. It was a weekday so it was pretty quiet in the canyon except for a couple of guys hanging out on the side of the trail. After I passed, one of them jumped me from behind and pinned me to the ground. His hands squeezed my throat while he said "I'm sorry I'm going to have to kill you." Seriously. Of course I passed out. Thinking I was dead, he crushed my face with his foot and ran off with his friend.

I was in my early-mid thirties at the time of the attack and had a pretty cool life before. Not to say it was perfect, but compared to now, it rocked.

I have found that support groups for survivors of violent crime are few and far between. I don't hope there are others out there because I wouldn't wish this 'new' life on my worst enemy, but I would like to connect with those with a similar experience. It's pretty lonely in this place.

In addition to joining the gang, I'm here to find out if the joy ever comes back. I am trying to be patient, but does it ever come back? You know what I mean - when you laugh really hard but you don't really FEEL it. Things that make other people happy, the JOYS in life, (christmas lights, winning a game, the smell of an autumn day, the sound of aspen leaves in the wind) just pass you by as stupid, if you even notice them at all. Yeah, I'm angry about this but I squish it most of the time with patience. How long can that last [smirk]?

I want my joy back.

#000000

Welcome to the forum.

Welcome to the forum, six. Do those great pleasures in life return? Yes. Daily about everything, not for me. But the fact it can come and go now even if briefly means there is something to work for. BTW No need to do trigger warnings, this entire forum is a trigger.

I'm glad you found the forum

Thank you for the welcoming hollyberry, veiled and anthony. Thanks for the trigger advice. I should have known just from my own reaction ;-)

Cheers

Welcome#000000

Greetings #six. My experience is yes, the joy in life can return.

vst

Thanks nie and vst.
That's good news. I know I can't ask how long it will take...everyone is different in their progress...but I still want to ;-) I guess just knowing that it is possible,will keep me working and waiting. As long as there is hope...

Welcome #000000

The joy does indeed come back, and it is very sweet. But I don't think it comes back when anger is still waiting for its due. I've found that the times I really got in touch with deep anger and rage by expressing it in a safe environment with a strong counselor that I felt alive again. It's like lightning ripping through my body. I actually laughed right after that a few times. Feeling my pain after being numb for a long time feels like moving back into my body. Can't have a good belly laugh while floating around outside my body and wishing I could keep my soul in a jar.