Apparently before my daughter up and disappeared she had an issue with me trying to explain to her our family history with mental illness.

The entire family on my mom's side have "1" form or another of mental issues. It was passed down by my grandfather to all 7 of his children. Many of the 1st and 2nd and even 3rd generations are afffected and have issues of some form or another.

Now that my daughter and I are beginning to repair and rebuild our relationship I'm just not sure if I should ever even touch on this subject again. She knows it all, or most of it, and my sense is to simply leave it alone.

This is "1" reason, I think, why I am freaked out over everything. To me, this is important informatin to share. Especially now that there is a grandbaby to consider. My mother was clueless all those many years age when I was growing up that there was a problem. People just did not think about or talk about mental illness and in children it just was not a consideration. I know the signs, signals and what to look for if a child is in trouble, and my concern is only to help. My daughter is affected whether she will admit it or not. I want her to go into therapy before she follows in my footsteps--"4" bad marriages. She was with me for all "4" and children learn what they see and I am concerned about

So tell me that I just need to leave it alone and enjoy our reunion. Tell me to mind my own business. Tell me she is 38 and a grown woman. But most of all, reassure me that eventually she will want more info on this family problem and I can THEN share my concerns and knowledge with her.

Grama Herc is waiting for you guys to give her feed back on this. You guys have always been right on the money when you express your opinions on things. Do't let this be any different THANX

My sense is--the answer to this delimma is clear----KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT untill she begins to ask questins about this . Now is not the time! ! ! ! ! !

i think your sense is good. =)

she probably has lots of other questions she wants to ask first. let her ask them.

though it wouldn't hurt if you tell her (vaguely) that she can ask about anything she wants and it will help your relationship more than it will hurt you.

luck!

Vera

Thanks for your quick answer. I knew in the depth of my soul what the answers would be. Guess I just need a little reassurance. Under the circumstance I think that is understandable?

Just don't think I would survive loosing her again. In fact, I know I would not survive it.

Anyway, Vera, thank you for caring--that helps more than you know GRAMA HERC

A viewpoint from someone who has had trouble communicating with her mother because of the pain of the past...let her direct the conversation and go with the directions she wants to go. As you are able to repair your relationship, there will be time for the deep stuff you are concerned with but while it is so fragile, just follow her lead. When my mom tries to force the conversation in directions I do not want to go, it causes me to shut down and wish I had never visited or called in the first place.

Just my opinion for whatever it is worth. =)
Grace

Grace.

From your post I am assuming you are or were on sensitive ground with your mother. Your input into this issue for me now becomes even more inportant Your statement about being sorry you visited or called has really hit home with me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Hopefully with the help and guidance of you guys here in this forum, I may actually do and say the right stuff.

Any and all help will be graciously welcome and extremely appreciated

GRAMA HERC

Gramma Herc is letting her mind run wild.

Herc, really now, your letting yourself get way out of control on this. It is time for you to start working on you again. You are making huge assumptions and going to worse case scenarios at every possible thing you can think of.

You are assuming that your daughter needs therapy. You don't know this. In fact you have nothing to even base this on other than your family history. However, a person needs therapy based on their actions and thinking. Not their families.

Your assuming that the baby is in danger of mental health issues. She is a BABY. She is a long ways off from even the consideration of that. Again your making assumptions and turning everything into worse case scenarios.

What you need to do, is starting looking at your thinking processes again.

Read these threads again.. and start applying them!

Unhelpful Thinking Styles

Self-Talk, Subpersonalities and Counterstatements

Stop Worry Techniques


Your under a lot of new stress over your daughter and your PTSD thinking is flaring up. Time to start working on you again girl!

bec

You said it all there. No reason to dwell on it as she is almost 40 and she already knows. I cannot add as everyone has already said it!

Herc,

Just an additional thought here - sometimes when I am regretting calling or visiting, it really has to do with my own issues and not necessarily always a reaction to something wrong my mother has said or done. Try to leave a little space for your daughter to have a rough time with her own emotions without making it out to automatically being your fault. It will make for a rough visit if you are weighing every thought and action as a life or death decision. I hope you will soon feel secure enough with her to be able to relax a little and you both are able to set healthy boundaries with each other without causing additional pain.

Grace

Thank You ladies for calling me on the direction m y brain is taking. I had no idea I had gone that far of center. As soon as I finish this I will read the suggestions that Bec has given me.

I believe I may have lost my center of gravity that I use to keep me on track!

Again this group of people have helped me. I sometimes feel that I am not contributing my share of help to others. Seems like I am always asking and never giving. But I we are all in different places of recovery/relapse/whatever and it all works out in the end. Thank you just seems to not be enough for what the help you have given to me.

GRAMA HERC

Herc is very nervous right now, and she needs a hug and reassurance. Breathe, Herc. Follow your instincts. Your baby came back to you!