Well it is that time again...the holidays and I dread another year because it brings back memories of my disfunctional childhood I would really like to forget. The images always get to me and the craziness of people rushing around is always hard on me. Yesterday I flew off the handle because my husband didn t finish what he started and then that led to feeling like I always come last. I completely lost control and yelled at him and today I am still feeling really horrible about it.I get in this state of rage over things I shouldn t and I regret it for days, but I cannot control it. It comes over me and totally consumes and drives me. How can I stop it.

This is going to sound so cliché, and I am sorry... that's not my intention... but one person got me to control my rage: Dr. Phil.

Yes, seriously. :-P

He is very pointed on past vs. present issues... leaving the past in the past... forging new ways of doing things NOW... and how rage, bullying and abuse is a choice.

I can be having a miserable PTSD day, but Dr. Phil gives me hope that I do have the capability to get better, to make better choices, to learn new ways of doing things.

When I have the urge to snap or chew somebody a new hole, I take a deep breath and THINK about it. Would I want to be on the receiving end? Is it really fair to treat the other person that way? Could there mitigating circumstances that I don't know about that makes their behavior reasonable and my anger unreasonable? ........ and is lashing out at them the grown-up thing to do?

"Someone has to be the adult" is one of my favorite of his sayings.

(He has many great sayings... "how's that workin' for ya'?" ... "If you keep doing it, you've got to be getting something out of it, ... but the "someone has to be the adult here" is one that speaks to me particularly clearly, because I am a classic right-fighter.)

Again I am sorry if this sounds clichéd. It's not my intent to minimize your emotions to fodder for a TV show :( that's NOT what I am saying AT ALL. I have learned volumes from that man. He has taught me so, so much that I never learned from my parents nor in my family, nor from life in general. I, personally, have benefited a lot from watching his show, thinking about what he's said, and applying it.

I realize not everybody likes the guy. If that's the case with you, just pretend I never posted. :) LOL!!

:) Bailey

I don't like the holidays much either. Always thought it was working in retail...But if I dig deeper I know its not that. After my father died my mother was working at a hospital. She didn't want to deal with the emotions of the holidays, so she would work them all....That first xmas I had just tuned 14 and little brother 13....Ugh...I know that had to be painful for us...Can't really remember the pain...Not sure what we did...

Thanks for the reply and I get what you re saying, but I don t much like Dr. Phil and having done a lot of real therapy I don t even listen to him. He is in it for big bucks...BUT I see where you are getting and that is the reason I feel so bad. Good point. Thank you

*sigh* I'm sorry. See now I wish I hadn't said anything... People either love the guy or they hate him... and there is no nice way to say what I was trying to get at, either. I didn't want to come off as judging, my desire totally was being supportive that you CAN change and you DO have the power and capability to handle things differently.

We are imperfect humans, we will always make mistakes and slip up. Luckily we are given new situations each day and we can try new ways of handling them. Sometimes we get better at things. Sometimes we don't.

At any rate, thank you for not getting all bent out of shape at me... I know this can be a really touchy and emotional thing. My last relationship, I used to let my frustrations build and build and build and then I would erupt, I would just blow into this raging, screaming monster... and my boyfriend would just sit there silently and take it. He was amazing. And the fact that he would just sit there and let me get it all out and just take it, and remain calm, that made me even madder!!!

But to this day, 13 years later, I carry incredible guilt and remorse for how I treated him. I am so ashamed. Just horribly ashamed. He is a wonderful man and he DID NOT deserve that. I was the sick one. I was depressed (hereditary) and should have been medicated, and I wasn't. I have been medicated (Paxil) for the last 10.5 years and that has brought me back to an equilibrium where I can learn and try new ways of doing things. To be honest with you, I don't think I could have done that back-when.

You have a "handicap" (I am speaking in golf terms, not medical terms) that stacks parts of the deck against you. It is wonderful that you want to handle things differently. Good for you!!!!!!! Hopefully as you get better in other ways (PTSD), dealing with the rage will get easier too. :)

Take care *hug*

:) Bailey

Hey, thank you so much for not taking what I said the wrong way and I thank you for your honesty. I too feel really guilty for losing control with my husband, but for the most part, think before I react. But I have been where youhave too, losing it at times. I believe that is the worst thing about this condition. I am, as well, on Paxil and it helps, but what I didn t do was take my mood stabilizer the night before. I forgot and remembered only when I had the outbust. I hope to one day be off the meds. Once again thank you. I like the way you communicate. It is quite supportive.